coping with PTSD during a move: navigating deep triggers, anxiety and obsessive thoughts
butterlycow
March 13th, 2023
for context, i have ptsd since childhood and i have been in therapy for several years. i will be moving in a few months. i was very excited about it, i had confidence in myself, and i was highly motivated until it became a reality. everything collapsed, and all i found within myself was fear, terrible obsessive thoughts, and a sense of fragility, of deep cracks. it is extremely painful and confusing, and i struggle to have a sense of identity in light of all these intense and constant ups and downs within me. if emotional states were the weather, i can say that a huge storm has hit me, and i am just coming out of its centre in these past few days, but there are still many precipitations. i realize that i have lost the few reference points i had, and i have none within myself. i cling to routine, to place, and to people. i am not complete enough, not secure enough with myself. i was doing better in recent times, but i realize how fragile it was and not enough. i realize how difficult loneliness is when you are not doing well. you feel in danger of not being in a group. i did not understand why so many people are friends and close to people who hurt them or with whom they do not agree. now i understand. if i am honest, i even regret not keeping friendships that i did not like, just to feel more secure during the storm. i also realize how important distractions are, and having solid clothes are important to be more secure during the storms. i realize how sensitive i am to everything. this new place is an older house and is not in the best condition. the paint is damaged, some of the mouldings are peeled, the outlets are poorly fixed. and it deeply distresses me. i think it is very important that i detach myself from these material details; i think i also have childhood traumas of being regularly confused to people who were richer than me with and who did not hesitate to belittle me for it, both children and adults. i need to build confidence in myself, to know my deep values, and not to be plagued by these superficial but very painful anxieties. i need to know that my value is not in what people think of me, and that everything is okay. during the storm with deep anxieties and terrible obsessive thoughts, i was not able to think of anything else than my worst fears. every little thing was a trigger for anxiety. i did not see life from a first-person perspective, but with a very painful permanent distance. i have had this terrible state once before a few years ago, and i hoped never to have it again. but yet, here i am. i did not think i could be so disturbed by a simple move. i hope that this storm can at least have positive consequences and that i will have the strength to work on all my weak points. i hope i will be strong soon. i hope this will all be over very soon.
innateJoy9602
March 15th, 2023
@butterlycow
It's okay to feel fragile and uncertain sometimes. Remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Moving is a big change. Also remember that storms do pass, and with time and effort, you can come out of this stronger and more resilient. <3💜
1 reply
@innateJoy9602 thank you very much ❤️
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