emetophobia is ruining my life

when i was in school i was at a somewhat healthy weight, thought i still avoided eating there. now that we've been in quarantine and i've not been outside in months, my mind is not being distracted. i sleep at 7am, wake up at 4pm, and then panic the rest of the day. i cannot eat without becoming nauseous and then fearing that i'll v*. i've been dealing with food related anxiety for years but now it's become too much. i (17f) am 94lbs and 5'4". each day i am losing more and more weight and it's terrifying. i've asked my mom if i could go to a therapist multiple times now but she won't take me.

not to self diagnose or anything, but i have reason to believe i have/had ocd. for around 7 years i had a "ritual" when eating that would change every few months. first it was just not being able to swallow my food until i ran my fingers through my hair. then, it evolved into me not being able to swallow until i pulled my bangs as hard as i could. later, it evolved into me not being able to swallow food unless i swished my food from my left cheek to my right cheek 3 times. if it didn't feel "right" when i did it 3 times, i'd do it 3 more times, then 3 more again, then another 3 until i felt it was safe to swallow. i think it was a mixture of being afraid to choke and having emetophobia.

thankfully though, without the help of therapy i was able to overcome those rituals this year. this makes me think that maybe i can get through this without therapy, seeing as i cant go