i drink too much
i am new here and don't really understand the forum. i feel increasingly desperate that i can't control my drinking, because in order to fall asleep i need 4-5 drinks in the evening. i tend bar and it's chaotic and wholly psychologically draining, and the only way i can numb myself at the end of the day is with alcohol. otherwise i won't fall asleep. i'm not in debt and my credit is good, but i'm working paycheck to paycheck, and i don't have a longterm plan or any real padding in the face of a catastrophic event. it weighs on me constantly and impairs my functionality. i fantisize about immersing myself in mindfulness and yoga and eating vegetables and becoming all centered and enviably balanced. but all i can do to quell the screaming voices in my brain is to drink until i'm slow, and the idea of getting into bed doesn't make my jaw clamp down in terror. anyway, that's how i'm doing.
@astrid924 Helllo, and welcome. I'm soooo sorry you're struggling with alcohol abuse. I've been there and it's a really hard habit to break, especially if you're dealing with anxiety (and maybe depression?), because you just want some relief.
I think you are in a similar place to where I was when I stopped drinking. (It will be two years in April.) I was definitely developing a problem, and knew something needed to change, but wasn't physically dependent. Emotionally dependent, yeah. And tbh, it wasn't my first time noticing a problem, but over the years I would go through cycles of drinking more and cutting back.
Good news is, you DON'T have to join a 12 Steps program (unless you want to). I was in a different program than AA for a while, so knew what the deal was, and knew it wasn't for me. It's a nice social support system, but ends up being kind of rigid and cultish.
Here's what worked for me: Joining Soberistas (an online site for women who want to stop drinking), and the book "This Naked Mind." If you had to choose, the latter would be my recommendation. It's a kind of amazing book, because it doesn't at any point say you need to stop drinking, but by the end, you don't really want to drink anymore. I think I did have a few half-hearted drinks after finishing the book, but mostly it killed my desire to drink because it broke through all the lies I told myself (and that society tells us CONSTANTLY) about drinking.
@ThisIs543 Oh, btw, I was a yoga and meditation teacher, AND a vegetarian, while I was ALSO abusing alcohol, so doing those things is definitely not a guarantee of being a blissed out, balanced individual. :)
Mindful practices do help you manage some of the symptoms, though, and to be more self-aware as you move through/beyond alcohol abuse.