i've lost weight, and i'm still losing more weight these days.

i'm a 17 y.o. female and i just wanna share my thoughts recently because i wanna vent.

after 2 years of pandemic, i've lost around 3 kg of my weight. and it's all because of stress and anxiety. the pandemic made me worry about my health more often which caused me to become hypochondriac.

due to overthinking, i would lose my appetite. and now, here i am, being scolded by my family for being “too thin.” saying that i don't look healthy anymore.

i'm pretty much aware of what is going on with my weight. to tell you honestly i've been trying my best to gain weight again since june. i would feel like i gained a bit more of weight which caused me to feel glad about it. although there were several times i would lose my appetite.

unfortunately, few weeks ago, another problem was given to me. the symptoms of my anxiety caused me to feel my throat was narrowing itself a bit. like, i couldn't swallow quickly at that week but i managed to eat enough amount of food, i'd say. then i thought to myself “you know, what? this might be just another anxiety symptom that would go away within several days. i'll be fine.”

but that didn't stop there. instead, it made me feel more awful this week. i can only eat a few tablespoons of my meals then drink lots of water just to make myself feel “full.” sadly, i'd feel hungry again after an hour or two but i just can't help it. i can't control the symptoms that i feel while eating. imagine feeling rapid heartbeat, dizziness, and lack of breath while having a meal. absolutely tough.

yesterday, i made a soup for myself to try if my throat would feel fine with it. i ate it with several spoons of rice and for the first time in a few weeks, i felt full. i was satisfied. but i just don't wanna rely on soups only during mealtimes.

i wanna go back to the old me but my family won't take me to a psychotherapist because they keep saying that it's all “in my head” and i “can do it” by MYSELF. i disagree.