my story: a letter to awareness.

This is my story about anxiety. I'm writing this mainly for awareness.

*trigger warning: talk about anxiety, depression, death, abuse and suicide*

My anxiety has been with me since I was a child. I remember being 5 and 6 years old and already having it. My family and teachers adressed it just as "she's just a nervous child" like it was some sort of personality disorder. I was never taken seriously.

It got worst. With years I would throw up, have diahrrea, feel dizzy, couldn't focous, couldn't have friends, so on and on.

It got even worst at 10 years old when my gradmother passed away and my grandfather too 2 years later.

To that depression became best friends with anxiety. I would have panic attacks about death and loved ones leaving me. I stopped having any real friends, only had fake ones that took advantage of me.

I also started being bullied and didn't help.

At 17 years old when I was so desperate for love and for a sign, some sort of solution really, my old best friend from primary school showed up. We used to be best friends. He came up from Spain where he lived some years so he came back to Portugal. I thought he was still the same... He wasn't. I found weird how he said he REALLY wanted a gf, no matter how she was. But hey I was insecure, anxious and depressed.

I submitted myself 2 years and something of mental abuse and some periods of physical one. The few fake friends I had vanished, and sometimes would show up to side with him. His family was massive manipulative, intimidating and abusive aswell.

When we broke up I started to have daily panic attacks. I had no clue what was happening to me but I was a mess. I wasn't even aware how bad it was.

When I was 19 I met my current boyfriend. I was terrified. I found him so weird... he treated me too nicely and somehow felt fishy. Ridiculous and sad right? That I didn't believe I could be well treated?... Anyways bit by bit he got my trust and I opened to him. He was shocked and told me "you realise you went through abuse right?"

I was terrified. I never even considered was abuse because guess what no one talks about this... No one teaches young women and men how to set boundaries... so here I was, having daily panic attacks, social anxiety, anxiety and shocked about everything.

Wait. Get's worst. When I was 20 I got so sick. 3 months later was diagnosed with IBS (and ironically my bf got sick too). I spent 3 months ALL alone, I was so weak I cried without an expression on my face. My bf felt alone because I slept all the time to avoid pain. I was diagnosed with IBS due to my bad anxiety.

After doctors and so many types of medication I finally met an amazing brazilian doctor who prescribed me an anxiety medication. I won't say which one since is phorbbiden here on 7cups. I FINALLY found some peace.

However when I was 22 it got so bad I didn't know what it was just breathing. I didn't want to take meds all the time because my body was so used to it that it didn't do anything anymore.

So at Dezember of 2017 I finally opened up to my family. They were really shocked.

In january of 2018 I started therapy and I can not tell you how much it helped me. The panic attacks stopped! Well they still come and go sometimes but is very rare and I'm not on meds(except in extreme scenarios).

If you're reading this PLEASE consider asking for professional help, is why I'm writing this.

Also if you're a parent reading this PLEASE listen to your children. If I had help when I was a child I wouldn't be so mentally ill.

Please take my story and make it your strenght if possible. I was many times suicidal, at 17, at 20 and at 22 , yet I made it. I'm STILL here . I MADE it. And so can you.