stuck

i feel unbelievably stuck, and it's all my fault.

i've had years of therapy, i've taken medication for years, i thought i was doing everything right, but i keep finding myself back here. i've always struggled with anxiety, especially socially, but i feel like over the past three years i've let it completely consume me. i used to tell people how i felt, but now i fear it's become a chore for everyone around me, as few people in my life as they are. i hate bringing people down like this, and i feel so guilty for wasting everyone's time and energy when i'm not getting better, it feels like it's only been getting worse. i even feel guilty typing this and wasting someone's time if they're reading it. it's hard to not feel so alone when my anxiety isolates me from the world around me. i unconsciously dissociate so much to cope that i struggle to differentiate what's real and what's not.

the scariest thing to me, above all my other worries and fears, is time. time keeps moving, whether we like it or not, whether we're feeling better or not, and whether we're ready for it or not. i'm very sure i'm not ready. but i've run out of time. i need to be ready. i need to get better. i want to shut off my brain or start my life over as someone else entirely that doesn't fear leaving the house and interacting with people as much as i do.

i feel like a toy you keep checking to make sure the batteries are still in because no matter how many times you push the buttons, it still doesn't work. why don't i work?