the spiral game

Every time i wake up experiencing my brain spiraling into doubt and fear, I think " this shouldn't be happening." But then i think deeper and there are inciting incidents, changes in routine, and general differences that cause this spike in anxieties.

this week, a publication came out that i had been rejected for. I was excited to see it, but felt the pangs of rejection anew because i was barred from being a part of it, and filled with questions and negative feelings about my worth due to said rejection.

I want to post more of my art and writing, and when i do, i want others to like it. Seems natural, seems like asking too much. seeing others get praised for their work is great, but don't internalize it if they receive more attention than you. ( I have not figured this one out, and it stifles my productivity, which deepens the problem)

Increased social activity this week has led to more questioning about my behavior. Did i act perfectly the entire time? Is someone going to be mad at me secretly for something I have no idea about? Will they criticize me behind my back?

In times like these, i need more and more validation from friends and loved ones, and asking for it feels like i'm placing a burden on them. But i need it more and more the deeper into this i go.

i have more responsibilities this month, more opportunities and less free time. Which my brain does NOT like in the least. It's going crazy trying to analyze every potential pitfall to this.

I have to ask myself how i see myself. Am i valuable to me? Am i letting the outside world decide my value? I know i am engaging ins self-sabotage, but i dont' know any other way to be. Step one is recognizing it. i've been in step one for such a long time. I've gone back to step zero so many times as well. It's vicious. It's deadening. It's stressful.

I want to be valuable. I want to get notes and comments and praise for my work but i keep telling myself that it's selfish to want such things. But the more i try to stifle that feeling, the more i yearn for it. The more i look at others' success with a melancholic jealousy that whispers into my ear that if I was good enough, i'd have that. That it is proof that I am not good enough, whatever that means.

How did I get here?