untitled
the information on 7 different types of anxiety gave me the courage to write this and some direction as to where it might belong.
I guess you'd say i have agoraphobia. never considered myself as overly-anxious altho i knew i was a worrier. just always thought i was depressed. but you cannot exactly argue with the facts that most times i could not even tell you what the weather's like outside - because i dont go outside.
i was working for a year recently at a job i loved but i sabotaged it. was able to go to work and about three other places total and those were infrequent. it's not places i fear, seems it's people. and i dont even fear people so much as i fear what i will do to myself emotionally/psychologically after having been around them. this extends to family - especially family in a way.
i feel like i hurt people and people hurt me so i just stay away. even if they dont intend to hurt me seems i'm easily hurt. and even if i dont intend to hurt them seems i will somehow though a mistake or a misplaced phrase. strangers even. i basically cannot handle human contact without bringing some sort of psychic harm on myself. once i'm alone, the castigation begins. even 7 cups is difficult especially as ive made several missteps here. (moreso than i do if out in the world actually). guess its the immediacy and anonymity (or atleast god, i hope) of it.
started seeing a marriage counselor and now an individual counselor (at the bidding of the marriage counselor). this does put me outside once a week and now it will most likely be twice a week. i'm ok for the most part once i'm out of the house. i just cant bring myself to get past that front door unless i absolutely have to. inside my home i am never free either. basically if i'm conscious i'm in some sort of mental turmoil. it has to stop. and i hate where i live so i feel trapped here too.
i feel so trapped and alone. i definitely built a wall and now it needs to be torn down. so many things wrong that i am unsure where to put my focus. it all seems so overwhelming - - - but what choice do i have? i can't just live up here shutting everyone out, hurting my family who loves me, eventually losing my husband - - - for what?!? so pointless.
the new counselor says she thinks i have complex ptsd but as much as i'd like for that to be the answer i really dont know how that can be true. i will be try the dbt counseling with her as the first counselor - a cbt counselor said she was not equipped and sloughed me off on this other counselor. seems the humiliation just never ends. but i cant look at it that way. i have to stay strong - get strong. i have to remain positive and hopeful. i tell myself she didnt slough me off - she was trying to get me the best help possible. i try to be rational but its difficult.
i really hope this, or something, works. i hope i do whatever it is i have to do to get better. long time coming and not sure i can keep going like this. anyway, enough pity party... meh.
rambling so i'll stop now. just dont want to end this on a bad note. so let me think of something not so despairing..
i am grateful for the opportunity to express myself that 7 cups has afforded me. i am hopeful that i can make progress. i am more than the sum of my problems. i can do this. :)
@themainjane
Thank you so much for sharing your story. What you are going through must be so difficult and It can't of been easy to share this with other people. I'm happy that you are getting counseling for this and I really hope that works out for you. A few years back I developed Agoraphobia, I never left my house for a year I was totally housebound, I even told my family that if something like a fire happened in my house that they would have to physically get me out the house because I would not leave, it would be too hard for me to do that. However I did get help, and now I do go out, my anxiety is still there but it isn't as bad as it was before. What I'm saying is, things will get better eventually and talking about it is the right step :)
@harrytheunicorn
thank you for your kind words. thank you for sharing your experience (for being relatable) and for encouraging words that i can overcome this. very appreciated.
15 mins ago my long-lost friend, only true friend i still have left called me. we lost touch over the years when they relocated elsewhere. we did stay in contact via phone for many years. a month or so ago she called and i never answered. now she is calling again and has left a voicemail.
what is this thing in me that wont let me check the voicemail? what is it i dread/fear? is it intimacy? complexity? the nuances that come with close relations?
same with the letter growing 3 wks old now that my mother left for me on the landing. same with the texts she sends me.
i can reach out on occasion with a word or two here to people i dont know in life but those closest to me must be left worrying.
i feel unworthy and have some sense of foreboding that a sense of grief will hit me if i read that letter or the texts or listen to that voicemail. trying to hold life at bay and it doesnt seem to be working. cant slow the tide or the inevitable and it makes me fear i will fall apart. i'm just trying to hold it together the best i know how.
somethings gotta give.
I'm anxious about finding a new place to live. I feel so pathetic that my man and I can't even find an apartment we can afford when he works all the time, so discouraging what else can one do? Then whenever we apply for aid they tell us we make to much money! How on earth is barely making enough to get by to much money? Esp when a lot of times we can't even buy groceries! It looks like we will have to rent a room from someone, I'm nervous about that. Plus because of upcoming move I will have to relocate with my job or be jobless.
@Compassion21
altho i am sorry for your troubles, i am not quite sure why you posted this here?
perhaps it would fit better in its own thread?
@Compassion21
Hey, I'm sorry I was so short with you. It seems you have a lot going on but are trying to take steps forward in life.
I am all over the board - my emotions literally seem to go from one extreme to the other on just about a daily basis. Please know it wasnt you - its me ... and I apologize.
@themainjane. Thank you I had thought this was a thread for anxiety now I'm not sure what it's for. I hope you start feeling better.
@Compassion21
It is a thread for anxiety... and I did leave it untitled. Feel free to voice your concerns here or you may even start your own thread if you choose. Hope to see you around the thread. I enjoy seeing your posts - seen a few involving quotes or what you've accomplished that day and it does seem we have some things in common. Best wishes!
@Compassion21
How are things going on the housing issue?
@themainjane. Haven't made any progress was taking a little break from it all it was getting to be too much and I had housework to catch up on. Now I need to get back to it tommorow, as well as keep up with chores. Someone was recommending me for a new job that can pay like 12 an hour I'm going to try for it but I'm nervous. But if I get it I definitely need to find houseing nearby as I have no car.
@Compassion21
Best of luck! I know it's not easy to get past those nerves when looking for work. And I've been there - needing a job and no transportation. Just keep your head up!
feel like im never going to make it another 40 years. i havent had this level of panicky sad depression like symptoms in a while. ive got to get my days and nites straightened out. this waiting for the sun to come up is just no good. the sense of foreboding hasnt left me in hours and i kinda wish i would just have a panic attack so i could get it out of the way if thats whats wrong.
maybe i just need to go on the meds everyone wants me to go on? i hate this feeling like im not going to make it. i mean, im going to make it right now at this moment but how much longer? i hate feeling like honestly it just might all end in me deciding life isnt worth living.
i tell myself im stronger than that, i can beat this. what are my choices anyway? i fear death.. its weird. and i fear someday choosing it.
i probably just need some sleep. i know i need some sleep.
I'm considering this basically my own personal thread so I have a place I can keep track of things. Feel free to comment - I'm open to suggestions... sometimes. :)
Today was not so pleasant. Slept off a hangover but not so bad. Could have been worse except for A LOT of stupid posts to 7 cups. I seem to keep doing that. I need to work on my impulses. Thing is, I DO work on them. By the time I say anything I've usually been festering for awhile. But God I do hope I get better at curbing my reaction time or need to say anything at all. Not saying anything is so depressing though.
I try to understand that its not fair to others but what is fair to me?!? I live with an alcoholic who causes chaos and sadness on the daily. I have my own mental issues and inner demons.. there's just a lot going on.
Working on what I can and I keep messing up but I keep coming back hoping to learn something.
Like even little things. I'm letting go of using lower-case "i" Sure, it's easier to type but its just kinda stupid and unnecessary. Yes, it denotes that I dont feel very good about myself but it might also send a message like "look at me" or "arent I clever." Usually I find out that I am not. So I guess that's settled.
I just want a friend - moreso I want someone to HELP ME, stand with me in solidarity or just tell me I'm relatable even.
*********************
Today - this evening pretty horrible. Had a non-Valentine's Day bc spouse got too drunk and ended up sleeping on the stairs outside our apartment.I almost panicked bc I hadnt heard from him in awhile and he'd gone outside to get the cat to come in. Called his phone and it was sitting on the coffee table. Its not unheard of for scenarios like these to end with me finding out he's in jail or some other jam - thus the panic. Got him inside and went back to doing the dishes. No need to make a fancy meal that no one was going to eat.
Still really wish I had a good steady listener or listeners. At this point in my life I think I need daily coaching.
After everyone pressuring me to go on meds, I told the counselor I was willing if necessary. I dunno maybe I give? Me - zero, depression - 1.
I just want it all to end. These mood swings are causing harm to myself and my loved ones and bringing me embarrassment on here ( I hope I'm not hurting anyone here). I fight through the humiliation and keep coming back bc its pretty safe to say I havent learned what I need to from here ( 7 cups) yet. Ive let so many lessons slide in life and I'm finally taking a bit of a stand.
Last night I waited several hours before I came home. Just stalling in my car at different places. Something has definitely got to give.
@themainjane. I'm sorry to hear about your valentine's day, and otherwise chaotic days. Please feel free to talk on here we are here to listen, just say what's on your mind. May I send a hug? Have you tried getting a listener here too? Sometimes they can be helpful. As a matter of fact there is a thing going on where a listener can be your sponsor and they talk to you weekly.
@Compassion21
Sometimes I utilize Listeners but a) it's hit and miss and b) I cant be always taking up their time (someone else might be in real distress).
And yes a hug is fine. 
Thank you and please take one for yourself!!
I tried the sponsor thing and it didnt really work out... I'm sorta hesitant to try again
Tonite is Valentine's Day Round Two. Gonna give it another go. Bought this expensive food and hate to see it go to waste. And I do want to make an effort at my relationship. If we can get dinner underway soon enough just might beat the unpleasant/chaotic part of the evening. I'm cautiously optimistic and am going to try and hold my tongue to ease things along. It's far from perfect but it is what it is right now so trying to learn to roll with the punches instead of picking up my toys and running to the corner to eat worms. :)
@themainjane. Good work
Dont even know what I feel anymore. Just know its not good. I dont even know if you'd call it depression or anxiety. I just kinda call it despair.
I really need someone to talk to but that's not going to happen.
Stress related? Lack of sleep?
Trying to deciher whats going on. Mood is low, avoidance is high, tired - really need sleep. Having ideation more frequently. And I've been catching movement out of the corner of my eye that isn't there. I know that happens sometimes and shouldnt be that big of a concern. I think it's bc I'm so tired. Even had one movement that wasnt peripheral but like a blur that just dropped from the ceiling in front of me. Stress is leaking out. I keep wanting to hurt myself. I wont, I wont - I cant - I dont want to.
I feel very very very alone and dont even know if reaching out is worth it anymore. I need sleep. And then I need to connect to another human being. Please God let there be another human being for me to connect to. I'm so trapped in my own mind this way. It's ridiculous and makes me want to hurt myself. Thought about cutting today and I could remember the feeling of it from so long ago... almost like a sound. I think I'm going stir-crazy and I want to leave this house but I wont.
I need the meds. Please give me the meds. Maybe I should go on the meds?
I'm worthless as a humanbeing
@themainjane
Hey.. I know these are your personal journal entries but they speak volumes of how far you have come. You are not worthless! Every day, every step means something. I hope you feel better soon and it's not too intrusive of me to write in here. I am sorry if some listeners have been unavailable but the 7cups community is here for you. You are not alone in this.
@themainjane. I'm here for you. Just write here and I will reply.
@Compassion21
You are so kind. I got some sleep and even tho I awoke exhausted perhaps it did some good. Just cant shake this feeling of anxiety or depression or whatever it is.
Going to do a quick gratitude list because I read on here where a counselor said that helps.
1) I am thankful for my life. (I'm just so tired of ruining it). I want to be able to reply to my mother but I dont have the words so it's a cycle where I just perpetuate the guilt and bad feelings over not responding and causing her worry.
2) I am grateful for my new counselor. I see her again on Monday and if nothing else I know I will go outside that day and be heard and seen by someone other than my husband. She has seen me twice so far and both times I was scheduled for an hour session and both times she has talked with me for 2 hrs even tho I told her please dont keep talking to me if youve got things to do or I will pay extra. So I think it's safe to say that she cares about me. I just hope the extra time taken with me is a sign of her trying to get me on a good start and not a sign of instability on her part.
3) I am grateful for my husband who works so hard to keep body and soul together for us. And puts up with me. I feel I am the reason he stays away from home all the time and drinks or sleeps the entire time he is home. I need to be kinder to him.
I have a piece of homework that is entirely doable and I need to do it eventually. The counselor had me watch a TedTalk with her by a woman named Brene Brown. Interestingly enough I've seen other people talk about this Kristin Neff here and apparently the two of them have done work together. Maybe they are just popular right now.
I wish I could go outside and feel the sun and air on my skin. Wish I could hear the birds. Something in me wont let me do that. Maybe tonite I will go outside. I say that everyday and everyday I dont do it. I also say maybe today I will call my mom and I dont do it. Same thing, something wont let me.
Bless you, kind person - compassion21 for none of this is your problem but a kind ear is appreciated. Do not feel obligated to respond - I know I have a lot of problems.
@themainjane. I just want to respond. By the way I'm sorry I'm slow to catch on but I'm just now realizing this is your private thread, I'm sorry I didn't know. I didn't know that was an option here. How did you do it? I'd like to start my own. You seem pretty exhausted lately glad you got some sleep. I think going out in the sun would do you good, just put on some sandals and sit in the sun for awhile. I made myself go on a walk today. But I came home to a super messy apartment so now I'm depressed and tired again. I'm glad you got a counselor. Do you ever visit the chat rooms?
@Compassion21
The only chat room I felt comfortable in was 35+ and I am not welcome there. I think I am banned or muted for a year.
Ive tried to attend a few discussions but since then but it doesnt feel very good and I cannot even get into all of them. Those tabs are gone. I dont have access to 35+ or the depression room where guided discussions take place. The few times I've tried to look in on a chat it's just horrible. A bunch of kids and/or degenerates discussing filth.
I dont know if it's a glitch or if it's me. I am beginning to think it's me. Like when no Listener will respond. I must have some type of flag that says "stay away from this one"
@themainjane sounds frustrating. How can I start my own thread?
@Compassion21
go to the forum button, hit anxiety, scroll to share your story - start a new thread
@themainjane. And I don't think it's because of you they don't respond, a lot of them r students and quite busy. All I can say is keep trying. I finally found one who consistently responds, but sometimes I don't talk to him because I feel like I'm complaining. How long have you been married? Do you work or have kids? Your in school? I've been with my man living together 2 years I work do not go to school or have kids.
@Compassion21
no kids. married 19 yrs, together 23. I DONT LEAVE MY HOUSE so no i dont work or do anything.
@themainjane
I'm sorry that was rude but no one gets it - no one is listening to me
@themainjane I heard you I just didn't think you were being completely litteral. People on here say they don't leave the house but they mean apart from certain activities or jobs.
@Compassion21
I do leave to go to my counseling appointments but other than that it is very rare that I will step outside. It does depress me but I seem to have difficulty making myself do it. I want to feel the sun on my skin but I just cant bear the thought of being around people and I have no privacy here.
@themainjane am I bothering you?
@themainjane. I see. I found the anxiety thing but couldn't figure out how to post my own?
@Compassion21
anxiety button - scroll down to share your story - on the right side out by the title "share your story" there should be a blue button that says "create new thread"
@themainjane thank you
@Compassion21
were you able to make start your own thread? ..................................................................................................................
also I apologize for being short with you last night. It turned out to be a very tense evening and I was stressed but I should not have taken it out on you.
@themainjane. Your fine. I'm sorry about your evening. Yes thank you so much for your help I figured it out. Which is good these chat rooms aren't working for me like they used too, I just end up talking and no one listening, so I may as well start a private thread. I just don't know why yours showed up in my feed if it's your own, but glad it did. How was your Sunday? I had to go back to bed I had woken up in the morning feeling body aches went back to bed 2pm slept till 6 haven't done that in ages. Thankfully there aren't kids around to disturb my sleep today. But I do miss my younger siblings, and my other family. When my man isn't here I have nothing he works too many hours.
Fuk my permanently fuked life
