untitled

Waiting for the worms...

Even Spacex was aborted today but they'll get it there.

Guess I ought to leave the social media to the kids. I'm obsolete and out-dated, not needed, irrelevant.

Going to go get obliterated now. Cue lounge music - as Perry said, "Thank you, boys..."

The good news about this weekend is that it is over.

I failed miserably at the Random Acts of Kindness Week. I was not not able to remain or (become in some cases) kind to others or myself for any length of time. I did try sometimes harder than others. What I take from this is that I don't seem to have a handle on things very well. My focus is not "focused" and the need for structure is possibly my primary concern?

Until I can establish a routine - at least a few rudimentary routines here and there can I hope for a different outcome? Not having some structure in my life is definitely going to make it more difficult to attain a different outcome.

I am thankful to all the listeners who "came to my rescue" at various times over this weekend in my various states of mood, etc. There is still so much to say that must remain unspoken and I am thankful that my counseling appointment is 9 hours away.

The only thing I can say is that lil by lil I do seem to be having moments where I am more authentic, more honest about my problems. Maybe the dust is beginning to settle in that sense. I am still deeply ashamed of all the mistakes I make while trying to become a better person - both in life and on 7 cups. And let's face it at this point 7 cups is a big part of my life and a lifeline of sorts altho at times I find it so frustrating. I guess I am frustrated with myself and what I reveal to about myself to others. I read back over things I wrote and think "why did I say that?!?" and then other times I want to reach out to someone and say "Hey - I dont know you but I relate" or "My heart goes out to you." Occasionally I do even say these things and people have been kind enough to even say them back. Other times I really dont want to intrude bc what if by saying something I actually add to their burden?

The fear of being perceived by others on here as unkind, foolish and stupid etc... well, it's a fear that is still there and often times I confirm this fear by re-reading what I write.

I want to let all this go - this fear of what other people will think. I have confused it also with a type of empathy.But it is more vanity than empathy because it lacks compassion. Realizing this about myself hurts and I dont want it to be true. And partially it is untrue.

I have so many .. demons, i guess for lack of a better word. I am tired of carrying around my past hurts. Tired of carrying around shame and confusion and guilt - and blame. Tired of blaming myself and others for everything that is wrong in my life.

If I could learn to forgive and let go I think the blame would lessen. If I didnt have to harbor and cherish my hurt feelings how much happier could I be?

So I guess the big question is how does one let go and heal and grow?

But it's such a broad and out-there kind of question and I'm sure the answer differs by situation and individual.

So I will go with small steps and basic guidelines.

This week in spite of the negative and worrying self-talk that constantly plays in my head and in spite of all the drama and chaos caused by myself and others I did manage to do two things: I worked on my kitchen and I did not give in to my mortification over my poor behavior.

Soon I will need to address the need for drama and chaos in my life. I say I dont want it and dont seek it but I dont think this is entirely true. I still am very reactive, still have the urge to get drunk or nag or be lazy or harm myself and those I love either overtly or through some form of neglect. (Still havent spoken with my mother).

I do not think I deserved to be treated the way I was last night even tho I started it. But I knew going into it that as soon as I threw a cup of water at you that you would retaliate. So it's like I forced your hand which is kinda sick and almost kinda like a form of self-harm. But it goes out of controI and I cannot control the outcome. I push you too far and then when I get what I asked for I decide I dont want it. So guess I get what I get and if I worry for hours after the fact or drive you away even if I beg you to stay? What did I expect? Why do I behave this way? It's like I can't help myself. And I need to be able to help myself. I brought this all on myself - what did I expect? I'm tired of feeling like I'm a horrible person and that there is no justification for any of my actions. But maybe it is the truth?

Then there is the part of me that says but how can this all be my fault? Shouldnt the punishment fit the crime? Or maybe it does, I dont know anymore in what ways I am right and I am wrong and in what ways you are right and you are wrong in this game of love and war that we are in.

I do know it cant go on like this for either of us - not if we expect to ever find any level of comfort or happiness or be of any use to anyone. We are losing all our redeemable quailities and surely, surely somewhere they are waiting, hiding out - waiting to be remembered and brought out.

Woke up with mindfulness on my mind - the goal for today. Learn about it, practice it - be about it.

That has momentarily gone out the window as I once again allow outside influences to get to me. Really it's all external if it's not in my mind, if it's outside my body and this bubble of self.

Obviously everyone must deal with this. So why have I dealt so poorly? I have allowed it to get inside me in a way most do not or I have at least come up with a solution that most do not. Am I capable of examining my motives and coming up with a better way to handle stress and anxiety? I don't see why not. And maybe I can also learn to just let some things be.

Anyone in my space automatically destroys my peace of mind. I hear a sound downstairs, that's it - I'm anxious and annoyed because I know someone is down there. I need to learn to let it be. They have a right to be there. If anything, I am more of a guest here. I think I've been a poor guest and that might be part of my anxiety. The fix would be: be a better guest. Act with purpose - maybe that is mindfulness, right?

Also I just about cannot have a conversation with my spouse that doesn't go down the tubes. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I never know what he will do next. Today's example is him wanting to file a civil suit against someone for non-payment. It was a bad deal from the get-go and I would have advised against getting involved. But he never listens to me. And although it's not pleasant to not be compensated for services rendered it's not an earth shattering sum and should probably be chalked up as a lesson learned.

It nags at me that he would speak with people about filing a civil suit and not even once consider he might should speak with me first. Surely I am not crazy to believe it is normal for spouses to communicate with each other before taking such actions. I have never wanted to sue anyone and I hope I never do want to sue anyone. Today is the first I'm hearing of this.

I feel like I am in a constant state of anxiety because I never know what he is going to do.. he is so erratic. I cannot plan for unforseen contingencies.

Everyday I feel I fall farther behind... I feel like I'm a step behind saying, "Please don't bring any alligators home today" but I forgot to ask him not to bring home any giraffes.

Please God help him with his erratic ways. And help me - because I am not seeing clearly what I need to learn from this right now. It's there, I know it is. I just don't see it yet, help me to see it.

I cannot control him.A

Maybe this is the lesson: What can I control?

I can control my actions, I can help guide my thoughts. I can help to shape my thoughts.

Perhaps in this instance I should remain calm, think before I speak. Give him the respect to think this through and hear him out. Too long we've been talking at each other and not listening. Nothing is received saved hurt feelings and animosity. A kinder, softer way must be found (contrary to popular belief).

It is time to allow him to be him and me to be me. I think only then we will grow together.

So...mindfulness day today. Been working on it best I can and it's been ever present in my mind. This is a good start. The old quote "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear," came to mind. Life is the teacher. connection to self and others is the vehicle?

*Open

Not sure how it's all connected but I do know it involves living life through making connections with self and others. Open-ness, Willingness and Acceptance are keys I'm thinking. Risk is required (for me, from me). Change is definitely required. Change your mind like the Neil Young song.

Lessons come in so many forms and I must be willing to receive the lessons. Right now learning comes from the various connections I am making here. I read the feed and a sentiment stirs something in me or gives me a new way to think about something or reminds me of something had forgotten or validates something that I think I know.

God help me to become open to change in the now. God help me become willing to let go of old thinking patterns that desire to enslave me to a past I cannot relive and chain me to a future I do not want.

"0ne of these days you'll see a bright light up ahead like the light at the end of a tunnel. And you'll hear a loud pop."

Words of wisdom as phrased by my spouse, meaning "Pull your head out your ***"

I'm searching for the light.

Failing at life.

I'm a horrible person. Over a month ago my friend reached out to me and I didn't respond. Because I don't talk to anyone. Now she's had a heart attack.

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Spouse is back to drinking after 2 days of not drinking. I had told him I can't live this way. But what right do I have really? Why would he listen to me of no means and no responsibilities. I don't even know if he loves me more than he hates me anymore. If he doesn't change how do I change?

Every day is just regret and hiding and worrying. I'm not strong and I don't know how to muddle through. This is causing me to shrivel up inside. And I really thought I had done all of that I could and was done with it.

So to recap: I'm a horrible friend, a horrible wife (and daughter and sister). Basically I'm a horrible person and I'm losing at life.

Guess you get what you put in. I just didn't want it all to be my fault.

My mind keeps pacing around in its cage. I wish I had the nerve to just die already. Can't do that, my poor parents. Wish I had the nerve to live but I don't. Existence is all I can manage but the time is closing in and I swear to god I wish I could end it all.

Putting this here so I won't forget when I start to slip back into denial.

My head and neck hurt from the back of my head around to behind my ears and on my neck and throat. I feel stiff and sore and tender to the touch. My whole lower part of my head hurts.

It's not okay for you to make me feel this way.

And it doesn't end but this time I fear it's ending.

I should know by now. You're not going to give me enough time to get better and in the end it's all going to be my fault.

I'm going to be the one left holding the bag.

Please just don't come home anymore. You were right. And I should just let you go. Because you're going to come home and be disappointed by everything I didn't accomplish. You're leaving me anyway so what does it matter?

Just a few more jabs of cruelty before you go? I must be a horrible person to be treated so. You must really really hate me.