Attachment Anxety
Whilesearching through the Self help guides section, under the subject ofloneliness, I have discovered the attachment anxietyguideand for me,that was really helpful in understanding what I deal with. They explain the three different types of attachmentanxiety. I have, what is called, Attachment avoidance. These are the characteristics.
Characteristics ofattachment avoidanceinclude:
Struggling with the small talk needed to start new relationships, but being able to relate when there is a clear task or topic of discussion
Difficulty asking for and receiving help from others, particularly emotional help to calm down when upset
Feeling excessive pride when competent and unwarranted shame following failure
Wanting to share oneself with others but not knowing how
Rushing to problem-solve and give solutions before accurately understanding what the other person?s experience and problem is
Thinking of relationships with parents as generally good, but being unable to remember sufficient details to accurately reflect the complexity of one?s history
Withdrawing from others in times of need due to feeling it burdensome or irritating if others want to help-inadvertently hurting those who want to help
Focusing excessively on proving that one is correct in times of conflict
Ending relationships too quickly
Trying to solve loneliness by focusing excessively upon work, tasks, goals, and material success
Feeling lonely due to one?s difficulty being vulnerable with others.
I fix just about all of the listed things. Now, that I know that there is a name for it, apropername, I don't feel so alone, like I am the only one experiencing what I am.
I use to just say that I am anintrovert,anti-social(out of text), shy, quiet, or a loner. Not that those thingsaren'ttrue, but those thing do not properly explain mycharacteristicand are easily misunderstood.
Now I know more about the type ofsocialanxiety that I have. When I was younger, I was slightlynervousandgitterywhile talking to others andsocializing, but as I got older, I am not like that. I won't say anything. If I am standing in a group, I will maybe say a few words, but that's it. I avoid talking and sharing my thoughts and feeling with others out of the fear that it won't be valued or respected. I detach myself very easily from people, including my own family and friends.Especiallyif they did hurt me.
And through this, my past is starting to unravel things that contributed to this anxiety. Things that I knew where there and I honestly would find myself thinking of them often, but for some reason I could not connect their significance or relevance to my struggles today. I have Anxiety, depression and loneliness, which has led me to dark avenues like poor self image and insecurity about my body and my intelligence. It sounds crazy to have all of these things, but to now see that they are all in one; that they are connected together, really is a huge breakthrough for me.
I highly recommend doing the self-help guides, hey have been the most beneficial thing for me on this site.
@toughNectarine2707Thank you for this wonderful informative post, and for sharing how you feel. Those self-help guides are really great and I am glad that you found them useful and recommend them to others.
In particular, Attachment theory is really interesting and useful approach to explain causes of some psychological problems that we all face, although there have been some theorists who find some aspects of it problematic. I like how it both gives a possibleexplanation ofthe cause of our problems and helps us stop blaming ourselves for our suffering, andalso gives us hope and knowledge to work to improve and help ourselves understand and solve some of the issues that are consequences of a particular attachment style.
I'm really glad to have read this, I feel like this relates very closely to me too soI'm going to go and find this guide as I'm very intrigued to understand more about how and why I feel the way I do! Thanks for posting this.
I am glad I found this. I can relate a it actually. Social anxiety has always been the hardest for me, and lately I've been trying to re evaluate how I handle situations because of it. For me knowing more about the label makes me feel better.
Thanks for posting. I think I might have ambivalent attachment (attachment avoidance & anxiety.) I have a hard time knowing who to trust. I tend to trust people who say they wanna help people & make the world a better palce & accepting people in general because I feel like they'd understand where I'm coming from but a lotta people say stuff like that & then hurt me once I open up. I have a hard time communicating & I often feel it's easier to just not. I avoid people in my professional life mostly outta fear of messing up or being judged. In my personal life I don't really care. I like to live in the moment. I have very few friends I've gotten super close to. Besides them I don't really get too close to anyone. But I still have needs & sometimes I over share the moment someone seems understanding. But then if I didn't I wouldn't have found my best friends. People find relationships w/ me too complicated & unpredictable. I've never been on a date. I don't really understand how people make those connections & find who's ight for them. I try to be a different person in professional settings because I feel like the real me is inadequate. When I start a new job I spend the whole time panicking about getting fired. I try to act cool @ work & just vent to friends. I've made a couple work friends but only after I get to the point where I feel like everyone hates me or thinks I'm crazy anyway & I start focusing on future career options & decide I might as well make friends because I have no potential for anything else at said job. When I feel like I do have potential to get somewhere I don't let people know anything about my personal life. Sometimes when things don't work out I look back & wish I woulda connected w/ people more instead of "sacrificing those potential connections for a successful career." I feel like a freak, like people would run if they knew my whole story. I had some challenges growing up & I feel like the 1st 12 yrs of my life are off limits to talk about. My consolations is that those yrs make up a smaller & smaller chunk of my life as I get older. I finally have enough new stuff to talk about lol. Anyway I feel like a train wreak & like I need to convince people I'm someone else & then I feel bad for lying. Even though I don't outright lie. It just fels like lying when I say anything good about myself. I feel like the world doesn't want anything I have to offer & they'd rather have it from someone else who's more socially acceptable or whatever. I've been doing more stuff to help people & most of it is anonymously or I just don't tell anyone. I feel more comfortable that way. I like being some invisible random person who doesn't depend on anyone else & I'm not responsible for anyone else. Basically I want my life to not affect anyone. It's freeing. I'm kind of a rebel & I have some out there interests & I don't want it to cause problems for anyone else. I wanna be free to do what I want w/o hurting anyone else by being me. But then I also wanna help people so there's a conflict. I know I'd feel like my life has more purpose if I did more to make an impact but most days I just wanna survive. I just wanna get through the day & support myself w/o hurting anyone. Sometimes I find the thought that there aren't many people out there who'd miss me if I just randomly ran away relieving & freeing. Other days I find it sad. But then I tell myself it's a good thing. Sometimes I wish I knew what dating feels like but I know it'd be betterr for everyone involved if I didn't. I keep telling myself someday this will all be better & I can live a normal life but idk how true that is. I used to be at peace w/ the whole invisible thing. Now that I'm trying for more I just keep messing things up for me & everyone else. I wanna learn & grow but I have such a hard time asking for help. I feel like such a burden on everyone & when I finally realize I need to & I feel like I'm crying out for help people can't even tell. I honestly don't feel comfortable asking anyone for anything w/o paying them. & I'm broke lol. I need a job but hahaha that requires tons of asking. Until recently I used to feel like people felt annoyed being around me & secretly wished I'd leave. Now I know my friends don't but I still feel like that about most people-like if I'm not constantly putting my needs aside to practically serve them there's no reason they'd want me there. I feel like everyone is just naturally better than me & I'm broken & messed up & if people knew they'd leave. Idk how to get past this
Sorry about that whole rant. Basically I just don't really understand how people connect. I tend to attract manipulative people. I don't understand how to find regular like-minded people. I always think someone's my friend too soon &then realize they're not or keep doubting someone for months when they've actually been a great friend. I don't know what's normal for opening up to people
After reading the original post in this thread, I realized I had done the same thing as you did. However, I believe I have attachment anxiety. I have many of the "symptoms" included in the list, and have never really thought I could have a certain "type" of anxiety.
I've always been very shy,however I have developed more confidence over the years enabling me to have a close group of friends that continues to grow. I feel able to talk with others from outside that group quite happily, as long as I have someone there to make me feel more comfortable. I tend to get very attached to some people. I'm sure others do this too, of course, as that is human nature. However, I feel as though I struggle to let go of people more than others do. I stay in relationships that aren't worth it any more too long and cause more harm than good. I also constantly worry that people will dislike me for something I say and/do and I struggle to forgive myself if I do anything I class as wrong.
Recently, one of the main things I worry about is my best friend finding out I have attachment anxiety. I know that people say, if they are your best friend and they really care about you then they will be there for you and wont judge you. However, we have had a complicated relationship recently as we were in a romantic relationship not long ago. We now support each other in things like these and he's been a great help as he knows more about me than anyone else. I worry that if he finds out he will worry that I'll be too "clingy" or "overprotective" if he helps. The title of "attachment anxiety" does not help with that and I'm not sure whether I should talk to him about it or just leave it.
As well as this, I have begun to get bad thoughts about one of my other closest friends. I feel jealous of them and that they are better than me in most ways. I don't want to lose her as a friend and I worry that if I continue to feel this way then I will do so without meaning to, or wont enjoy her company as a friend any more, yet she has never done anything wrong. These feelings make me feel like such a bad person, because as I said, she hasn't done anything wrong.
If someone could help me, I would thoroughly appreciate it as I'm not quite sure how to handle these feelings.Thank you for reading this, sorry it seems a little long :P
I'd just like to add that when I enter relationships I tend to lose trust of the person, even if I trusted them in the first place. I think this is due to the attachment anxiety, but I don't know what to do because it makes them feel as though they've done wrong to make me feel this way yet they haven't.
Again, thank you for reading, I would appreciate any advice.