Confession
Heyo everyone! *waves*
Honestly I am not sure if this is the right place for this but the best I could find anyways...
So...uhm....I am living at a rather calm small-ish town which is mostly okay but I can still start to freak out in crowded places even here but I do work in the capital city which means that I have to take the crowded train and the crowded subway back and forth each workday and just sit in an open offiice with eight other people with eight hour and it can really wear me down honestly to the end of the day.
I mean, the confession part comes in that after work I - of course - take the subway and the train back and I guess I am just tired at that point and just had enough for that for that day but still the subway and the train as well are crowded and I have just noticed some pretty...bad thoughts popping up those times from my subconscious or I do not even know.
Like I just wish everyone would just disappear or just straight up...like...die and just so much hatred...more for the situation I guess, but still, I am not like that, I do usually care about people and generally love people even though I feel anxious around them and these are just random thoughts nothing more but they still make me feel so guilty honestly even though I am not even sure where they come from :(
@redmark
Hello there... don't worry, I guess those thoughts are totally relatable 
. Cause after you fought so hard the whole day, to not let it get to you, to not let it affect you too much... but the crowds just are EVERYWHERE, for hours on end... it makes perfect sense you just want them to disappear and die, cause you're just so fed up that you got zero tolerance anymore.
I totally think that's only human. And there's only so much one can take. And sooner or later you'll reach your last straw and are getting real close to the edge... and you're just so irritated and tired and done with that stuff that it begins to drive you mad. But really, that's okay, no worries. 
Maybe you could get yourself one of those small aggression balls or whatever they're called? Those thingies you can squeeze real hard with all you got, so you can mercilessly take out all your pent up agession about the stupid persistent infuriating crowd... while you're sitting in the subway. Maybe the less pent up aggression there is inside of you, the less you'll wish for them to die.
And I know you're not like that, I read some of your replies in the Trauma SC and you're like the most caring sweetheart ever. No kidding. So this doesn't make you a worse person or anything, it's just perfectly normal to get irritated like that after hours of trying to deal with it.
Srsly, you're allowed to be mad and them and wish for them to leave you alone. 
You'd never do anything to them irl and that's not even the point. It's just because you just can't take anymore when that happens.
I hope that helped? 
