Done with it- Anxiety in College
I am an 18, soon to be 19 year old freshman at a small private catholic college. I suffer from severe social anxiety and truly can't handle it anymore. I see a therapist, but it is so bad I am always depressed and feel like killing myself constantly. I am just so sick of feeling this way. I wake up every morning wanting to be gone, feeling like nobody would care if I was alive or not. I tend to willingly do things on my own out of fear of others. To other people, Im sure it seems like I don't want to talk or be bothered, but the truth is a sense of belongingness is ALL I think about, dream about. I just want to feel like I have friends. In high school I had my small group of friends that were really close since elementary school. Now that I am away at college I find myself wanting to escape everyone. Whether I am at school, or home for the weekend, I just feel so depressed. I get heart palpitations, my hands sweat profusely, and I literally hate almost everything about myself. I have a girlfriend at school, but I feel like she, along with everyone I meet, secretly doesn't like me. I feel this way because I don't even like myself. I suffer from constant panic attacks and to everyone around me I am the quiet kid. I have no interests, because managing my anxiety has become my most prominent hobby. This is getting progressively worse by the day and I just can't handle it. The weird thing is I'mnot sure what has psychologically caused this. I really have hit a breaking point.
Hey, what you're going through sounds really tough and I understand how hard posting this must have been for you, so well done.
I'm in my first year at university and whilst I don't suffer from social anxiety I know what it's like to not be happy whilst away from home at college/university. I also have anxiety attacks/panic attacks (I have no idea what to call them, my counsellor and Dr have called them various things) so I know how much of an affect they can have on your life.
Feeling so isolated is horrible, I really think that it's one of the worst feelings you can experience. But I want you to know that you're not so alone. I know that we don't know each other and whilst I'm from the UK and you're (I'm guessing) from the US I care. After I post this message you'll be on my mind, because I see how you're having a tough time right now and I want you to be ok.
I'm not sure how things work where you are but is it possible that you can change colleges after you've completed this first year? You could consider living at home and commuting to your nearest college if that was possible? Either way, a change of environment might help as your anxiety may be associated with that place?
In regards to your girlfriend, how long have you guys been together? Have you spoken to her about the way you feel? What sorts of things did you used to enjoy before you started feeling this way?
For now, one thing I would suggest is to take the time to look after yourself. Make yourself something nice to eat, have a bath, go for a walk, listen to music. Taking some time out of your day to look after yourself is so important. It might sound trivial but you can't ignore its importance.
Take care,
Laura
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I've been there not too long ago. Just a new environment and not having the friends you've been around for years can cause anxiety. I get socialwithdrawlwhen I don't see a friendI'm used to seeing a lot in a while. You mentioned going home for the weekend. Could you meet up w/ old friends then? Also, texting/calling/skypingold friends helps a ton. I'm in college too and some of my closest friends don't go to my school anymore but I feel closer to them than ever because of how much we text. Keeping in touch with the people you used to spend time with, people who make you feel loved, helps a ton w/ the confidence thing. I can relate to the thinking people secretly don't like you and it absolutely comes from not liking yourself. It's projecting your feelings onto them. I get nervous about little things I did and I assume other people are frustrated w/me for it when I'm the only one who's frustrated w/ me. I try to look at how people act towards me objectively-just what they actually do, without any ideas about how I think they should feel mixed in. I totally understand about anxiety taking over you life. I have days when I justwannastay in all day too, but that just makes it worse. Getting a change of scenery stimulates your mind and helps you get away from those depressing and anxious thoughts. A physical change of perspective can lead to a mental one. Common interest groups are a great way to make friends since there's an automatic conversation starter & you know you have something in common w/ the people there. There's usually something going on & it's totally of to just watch sometimes & not be talking the whole time. Takes off a lotta pressure. I know getting to that 1st meeting can be tough but it can be very rewarding. I started hanging out w/ a music group & it's an easy way to get social interaction w/o all the pressure of making plans to meet w/ people & keep in touch on you. Orgs are also a great place for baby steps since you're likely to run into some of the same people multiple times & have that continuity w/o having to set it up. Maybe go to some meetings/events w/ your gf. It'd take off some of the pressure of meeting new people and be a fun way to mix things up in your relationship. And she does not dislike you. The fact that she's w/ you means she likes you. I know I'd never date someone I didn't like. That would just be torturing myself. The only reason to date someone is if they make you happy. She clearly sees something in you & it makes her happy. I can tell you're a really sweet, caring person just from this little blurb & I'm sure she & other people around you can too. Your high school friends clearly can too. I know it's hard to believe someone you find special likes you. But the fact that you admire someone that much is more than enough to make someone feel the same way about you. She clearly loves how well you treat her & how loved you make her feel. There's no objective comparison system for people. No one is betterthan everyone else. There are no unlovable people. Lovability comes from the connections you make w/ people. If talking to someone makes you nervous, even just a smile can make someone's day. Better yet, a hi. You are amazing in your own way. You have your own unique perspectives, experiences, skills, and talents & the world needs them. I know it can be hard to see at this point in our lives when we're still figuring things out but you are worth it and things will get better. Take it from someone who's been there. All it takes is a couple special people to make you feel loved and you even already have some :) Try not to think too much about the future & just focus on something fun you can do each day, whether it's hanging out w/ your gf, keeping in touch w/ old friends, going to an event or club meeting, or even doing something fun alone like exploring a new part of your campus or city or picking up a hobby. College is a great opportunity to try new things. You have access to so much awesome stuff. And if social interactions are nerve racking for you, doing something cool alone is also a great way to boostt your confidence & self-love. When I get stressed out I draw or write music & then I look at the finished project & realize I just created something awesome & I feel good about myself.I know it's hard but please, please, please, please, please don't hurt yourself. You'd be giving up so many amazing moments. I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and you know for yourself that you didn't have this much anxiety before & how great you feel w/o it. You used to feel that way before and you willagain. Transitions can be hard but they don't last forever. Baby steps can make a world of difference. It's been a few months since my last relapse & right now I feel amazing. I've picked up some new hobbies, got a lot closer w/ old friends & made some new ones. I've also learned to stop worrying about whether I'm good enough & just enjoy all the little things in life. The world is beautiful. We just get too busy w/ our internal dialogue to see it. For the panic attacks, they go away a lot faster if you can get to a quiet place and ride it out w/o paying much attention to it, trying to tell yourself you're not having those physical sensations, or focusing on how awful it is. It's just your body's response to something. Let your body respond. Holding it in makes it worse & so does focusing on it. Your body is doing your mind a favor, releasing the tension associated w/ triggers so your mind doesn't have to. You mentioned not knowing why you feel this way. That's totally ok. Your physical symptoms are controlled by the primitive part of your brain. It responds to anything that in some weird way shape or fform reminds you of something stressful. It unleashes those feelings so theemotional & cognitive part of your brain doesn't have to waste it's energy stressing & you can live your life. It is possible to be too in tune or overwhelmed by your body. It's totally ok to just lett your body do its thing so your mind can be free to choose how to spend its energy. For me, closing my eyes, putting my head down, wearing sunglasses, wearing headphones or covering my ears (you can make it look like you're messing w/ your hair so it doesn't look rude) all help. If you can get alone for a bit, turning the lights off & lying down helps too. Drinking water helps & eating unless you feel nauseous. Distractions are great-music, TV, having your fav site open on your laptop in class, having something to fidget w/. Exercise helps a ton too. It realeases a lotta the nevous energy physically & clears your head. I care about you & I really wanna help you feel better. Message me anytime, even if I'm not online & I'll get back. I'm here for you. And if you ever feel like hurting yourself, the people at1 (800) 273-8255 or www.suicide.org can help. And I'm here for you too. You are awesome in your own awesome way. Don't you ever forget that :) I'd love to chat sometime :)