Getting closure from losing a close friend?

Hi, I have been told by two therapists that I have “severe” social anxiety, so it’s very hard for me to make friends.

My entire life, I’d say I only ever had school friends - the kind where we just talk about schoolwork and nothing else, never hang out or talk outside of school. Once the class we shared together ended for the semester, or once we graduated, we stopped speaking altogether, so I wouldn’t consider them “real” friends. I only have a couple of online/internet friends, no irl friends.

In 2022, I got my first job while finishing up grad school. I started the job in June, and in October, I met another new hire, and we clicked instantly. He started talking to me first because he had noticed that I was quiet and didn’t interact with anyone else. It turned out, he was exactly like me - he also had social anxiety, albeit to a lesser degree than me. We bonded over our feelings in social interactions and related to each other in every way. We were having these deep conversations on the day we met. I’m very cautious about who I let into my life and who I open up to, because I’m not very trusting of others, due to a bad breakup I had with my ex-bff from high school. But me and this coworker hit it off so well right off the bat, that I considered him a friend the day we met.

We texted a bit, on and off, after that. It wasn’t until around the end of October that we started talking every day for hours on end. We talked about how our days went, had lighthearted conversations, deep conversations, made each other laugh, related to each other, supported each other, shared interests and embarrassing things about ourselves with each other. Naturally, we started becoming really close.

Throughout the entire time I was at this job, I was having a lot of trouble at work: not fitting in, as well as getting isolated and bullied by some senior coworkers. I tended to vent to my friend a lot about the troubles I was having. But I know venting can be a lot, so I always asked to make sure if it was ok that I vented, and I always said sorry when I was done. His response was always to reassure me that I was welcome to vent, because he knew how hard it was to keep it in, and to tell me that there was no need to apologize. His last workplace was very toxic and his boss was abusive, so he understood. Still, I felt a little bad, so that’s why I always apologized, and we tended to have normal conversations in between the vents - so I didn’t believe I was treating him like a therapist.

In January 2023, I felt close enough to him and trusted him enough to tell him that I also struggle with depression. All of this lead to him alerting his supervisor at work, which led to a whole fiasco of me having to share my mental health struggles with higher-ups at work, and being mandated to visit a work psychiatrist monthly. I was also whisked away to the ER, which was a horrible experience that left me scarred.

At first, this rubbed me the wrong way, because my friend didn’t tell me that he was going to talk to a supervisor about my personal problems. It wasn’t his secret to tell, and he hadn’t even given me a heads-up. But I forgave him because I knew that at the end of the day, he spoke up about it because he was worried about me and genuinely cared. He was the first person I met (in person, not online) that truly understood me. Because of that, I knew I still wanted him in my life, and I didn’t want to throw away our friendship, because I valued it too much. This was also the first time in my life that I felt like someone truly cared about me.

When we spoke again the next day, he let me know that he genuinely cared about me. He reassured me that none of this changed anything between us, and he let me debrief my horrible ER visit with him. He listened to my story and provided support. I was worried with such heavy topics being the forefront of our conversation, that our friendship wouldn’t be the same again. I was hesitant about how I would talk to him moving forward, if I’d even feel comfortable having normal conversations with him again. But I didn’t need to worry about that, as the next morning, I woke up to a text from him saying that he was going to light some candles at church for me, and also pray for me. That genuinely warmed my heart and I felt like he cared.

After this whole ordeal, my friend and I got even closer than before. The work psychiatrist wanted me to obtain a long-term therapist, and provided me with a list of places to call. However, my social anxiety is so severe that making phone calls is difficult for me. I told that to my friend, and he made the calls for me. He told me we were in this together, that we were a team in this, that he only wanted me to get better. He only ever supported me in my mental health journey, gave me advice when I vented, told me that speaking to him was a safe space and that I could tell him anything, as long as I was comfortable with it. He made me feel like someone cared.

In March, I was having a rough time. I was venting a lot again, but I always apologized for venting and told him he was welcome to tell me if I was being annoying or too much. He reassured me that I wasn’t, that he looks forward to hearing about how my day went, so he can offer a different perspective to help me have a more positive outlook. He had also mentioned that he’d be praying for me during Lent, which I thought was a kind gesture.

I was sent back to the ER in the middle of March because of something I said to the work psychiatrist that worried her. Before I was whisked away, I texted him to let him know. Even though he was at work, he immediately responded and tried to calm me down, tried to reassure me that everything was alright. When I got back home, I asked to debrief how the ER visit went, and just like in January, he lended support and a listening ear. The only time he interrupted was to ask if I was texting him from home, because he wanted to make sure I was all settled in and comfortable. Overall, my March ER visit went so much better than the one in January, and he had said he was happy that I was being treated better this time around. I later felt bad that we were spending all this time talking about me, so I asked him how his day went. He proceeded to admit that he had spent the majority of the day worrying about me. I didn’t think there was any need for him to be that worried about me, but still, I was touched nonetheless.

Towards the end of March, I was texting my friend about my day, as we’d been doing pretty much every day. One day, I was venting about a coworker I was having trouble with, and I told him that I had ended up speaking to my supervisor about that coworker. He told me that he was glad I had people to talk to about this kind of stuff. I thanked him for listening to me, and he said no, he meant that he was glad I could talk to my supervisor about my troubles, that I could talk to the work psychiatrist, my therapist, etc about things, not just him. He was glad I had options. Looking back, I’m wondering if he was dropping a hint that he no longer wanted to hear my venting, but was too anxious to outright say it, because he didn’t want me to take it the wrong way.

It was around this time where there was a week in which we weren’t really talking. We did text each other every day, but they were extremely short and dry conversations. I remember wondering if we were drifting apart, as most of my friendships only last 6-9 months. At this point, in March, we’d been friends for 5 months, so I was nervous that we were approaching the “deadline” for the end of all of my friendships. He had also made a comment about how he was realizing that he just wanted a simple life at this moment, that all he needed was his family, his small friend group (that I’m not a part of), and his faith. He also said he didn’t want any trouble in his life. The comment made me wince, because I wasn’t sure if he was implying that I was trouble, that I was too much for him. But I brushed it off because we kept talking normally after that, with him starting the conversations 99% of the time - which to me, implies that he wants to talk to me.

After that, things were fine, so I figured me being nervous about our friendship ending was nothing. April was a good month for me. I went out every weekend on my own to do self-care things, something I’d never done before, but he did all the time; he was inspiring me to do it.

In early May, I went to a concert by myself, because I didn’t know anyone else who liked or even heard of the artist. My friend doesn’t like that kind of music, but he was super excited for me anyway. I told him while I was waiting in line before the concert that I was dehydrated and worried I was going to pass out (since I was going to be standing in the pit). During the concert, he was checking in to make sure I hadn’t passed out. When the concert was over and I was heading home, it was around 10:30 pm. I had told him multiple times in the weeks leading up to the concert that I was worried I’d be attacked, since I was going to be out late at night alone. Before the concert, he had told me that he was going to be up late watching sports that day, so he’d have his phone on hand in case I needed someone to call. When I was coming out of the concert, he had wanted me to let him know once I got home. When I did, he was happy to hear that I got home safe and nothing happened to me. I had felt like that was very kind of him, and again, I had that feeling that he genuinely cared.

In April-May, work was rough for me. For context, my friend and I work in different sections, so we don’t see each other at all in person, and we don’t work together. We just text all the time, so he’s sort of more like an online friend in that sense, even though we do know each other in person. The only time we’ve had an in-person conversation was the day we met in October.

So in the months of April-May, work was rough for me. I had held back from venting about it, due to the comments he made in March about how I had other people to talk to besides him, and how he didn’t want any trouble in his life. He also doesn’t like when I get angry, and he knows I don’t hold back my tongue when I vent, and I often have trouble filtering things out. He’s the exact opposite of me, very calm and zen. Even when he gets angry, it’s more like he’s annoyed at best. He can hold his tongue and can filter his thoughts. So as a result, I think he tends to get a little uncomfortable when I vent. But that’s also why I ask if I can vent beforehand, and why I always apologize after. It’s also why I’ve expressed to him that he can let me know if I’m annoying or too much.

In the middle of May, something happened at work that made me extremely upset. When I got home, I was texting my friend and we were talking about our days like normal. When the conversation shifted to the topic that made me upset, I let it out and started venting about everything at work that had been stressing me out for the past month. This time, I had started venting out of nowhere without asking beforehand, because he always said I was welcome to vent. I also had not vented in a long time at this point, so I didn’t feel like I was treating him like my ex-bff did.

I was going on probably my longest rant yet: I was typing for 30 mins straight about all my frustrations. Towards the beginning, he was responding to a couple of my messages, and adding reactions to some of them. As I kept ranting, I noticed he stopped reading my messages, so I figured he had stepped away from his phone. I kept typing to let the frustrations out, and eventually, I noticed he came back to his phone, because he had read my messages. I figured I’d give him some time to read and digest, and I fully expected him to give me his usual response: either telling me to breathe, or reassuring me that people at work can’t bother me once I’m at home. Or another response of his that he had towards the beginning of our friendship was to tell me that he was going to respond when he had the time, that he wasn’t ignoring me. At this point, I was so confident in our friendship that I thought I’d get one of these responses. I also had some unrelated, more light-hearted things I wanted to tell him, so once he responded and we could switch the subject, I could tell him what I wanted to say.

Except, his response never came. For context, he always responds to my messages right away. He rarely takes more than 10 mins to respond to me. At this point, we’d been talking almost every day for 8 months straight. One time, I didn’t respond to his messages for 6 hours, and he freaked out and was relieved when he finally heard from me. Another time, we didn’t speak for 2 days. When we finally did, he had said, “it’s good to talk to you,” as if it’d been 2 years. Yet another time, we didn’t talk for 4 days, and when we finally did, he had said, “how’ve you been?” as if those 4 days had been eternity.

His lack of a response was very strange and unlike him, so I started wondering if I did something wrong. I realized I never apologized after my rant like I normally did, so when he still didn’t respond 4 days later, I apologized to him. I said I was sorry for the string of messages and for the constant venting, I acknowledged that it was a lot and unfair of me. I also thanked him for always listening and being patient. Again, I had felt so confident in our friendship that I was sure he’d respond to that, but he never did.

It’s now been almost a month since we stopped speaking, and I have no idea what happened. We were literally joking and laughing days before we stopped talking, even earlier that same day, so this sudden silence came out of left field for me. I have tried talking to people about this situation, but they all said that my friend just needs space and that we’ll talk again. I expressed that I was afraid that he hated me and that we weren’t friends anymore, I was told time and time again that this is a huge leap and absolutely not true, that he just needs space from me.

I understand the space, but I wish he would have just told me that he needed space, instead of just shutting me out. His silence has caused me to completely spiral. In the first few days after my rant, I was angry at his lack of a response. I realized that wasn’t fair of me, hence why I sent him the apology 4 days later. In the week following my apology with no response from him, I experienced the most severe anxiety of my life. I was so nervous that I felt nauseous and almost vomited multiple times, he was constantly on my mind, I was always worrying about what I did wrong, I wasn’t sleeping well, I stopped all hobby-related activities, I lost my appetite, and I wasn’t able to focus at work.

The week after that, I continued spiraling, but more into a depressed state. I was sad he wasn’t speaking to me, I was wondering what I did, if it was something I said that made him hate me, I was wondering if we’d still be friends, and I was having thoughts that if this one person who understood me so well, and who I clicked with so well, wouldn’t speak to me, then I must be unlikeable. This is my first irl friend I’ve made in 10 years, since high school. It’s not easy at all for me to make friends, and when I finally do, I ruined it all, solely because I don’t know how to keep my mouth shut. And this isn’t just any friend either, this is an extremely close friend who meant a lot to me, who was so kind, caring, and supportive, a friend that I never in a million years thought I’d lose, much less over something like this.

I’ve continually been spiraling over the situation over the past month, to the point where I cannot focus on work. I’m starting to increase my individual therapy to twice a week rather than once a week. I’ve never wanted to take medications before, but I am going to try it because I cannot handle my spiraling thoughts and feelings. I am also hoping to start group therapy, because my individual therapy sessions aren’t enough for me, and I lost the only person who was my social support. Although I do acknowledge that relying on one person for social support is unhealthy, I don’t have much of a choice because it’s difficult for me to make friends. And after this situation, I don’t think I’d want to make any more friends. I don’t think I’d want to open up to and trust anyone ever again, because I did that with this friend, and this is what happened.

I spoke to my therapist today to try to parse out the situation. She said that it sounds like he has trouble communicating to set his boundaries, which is most definitely true. I know that through my conversations with him, and also because I relate to his anxiety and understand how he feels a lot of the time; I often have the thought that we’re the same person.

At the end of the day, if I want to salvage this friendship, I know it’ll be up to me to reach out first, because between the two of us, I’m more comfortable with setting boundaries and communicating my needs. But that isn’t easy for me, as I’ve only started to do that recently. I used to be exactly like my friend, not communicating because I thought setting boundaries was “mean,” so I understand where he’s coming from. However, I’m afraid to reach out because I don’t know what’s going on through his head. I’d like to think that we were close enough that not speaking for almost a month is hurting him as much as it’s hurting me. But as much as I like to think we’re the same person, I can’t read his mind. I don’t know, and I’ll never know, why he never responded to me. I’ll never know if it’s because it was too much for him and he needed space, or if it was something I said that didn’t sit right with him. In either case, I genuinely felt like - and still feel like - we are close enough friends that something like this can’t come between us. And so, I don’t think I can ever bring myself to believe that this friendship is over, despite the fact that he’s not speaking to me.

My therapist seems to think this friendship is over, based on the way I’ve been spiraling over his lack of a response. But I refuse to believe that, I feel it in my gut that it can’t be true. She also seems to think our relationship isn’t healthy, due to his lack of communication. While I’m aware that communication is key for a healthy relationship, I think this situation is more complicated than that. His lack of communication is due to the fact that he has social anxiety, something I can relate to and understand. I don’t fault him for that, because I can understand it, but learning to communicate would let him grow as a person. At the same time, I genuinely felt like we had a good friendship and I don’t want to throw it away just because lack of communication is a character flaw for him, one that I don’t blame him for and don’t judge him for; I still care about him despite this flaw. I miss my friend so, so much, and every day that passes, it hurts me that we’re not speaking. I want to be friends with him again. But I’m not sure if he wants the same, because I don’t know what’s going on in his head.

My therapist has seen me spiraling over the past month. She said, in order for me to move on and have closure, to send him one last message and say, “Hey, we haven’t spoken in a while. I’m wondering if this is something I should get used to?” I know she’s right, that this is the closure that I need to move on and focus on myself. But I’m not sure that I’m ready to send that message, because I’m afraid that if I don’t get a response, that will tell me that our friendship is truly over, but I don’t want it to be over because I still care about him so much, and we had so many good times. Of course, that’s from my perspective. He could have been done with me for a while now, and was just too scared to tell me. Friendship is a two-way street, and if he doesn’t feel the same way about me, then I can’t force him to stay friends with me. But based on the person that I’ve known for the past 8 months, I genuinely don’t believe he hates me and hasn’t been thinking about me at all since we stopped speaking, despite the fact that my therapist thinks differently.

I think that I’m waiting for a sign, a sure sign that he still cares about me and misses me as much as I miss him, but as long as I don’t see him in person (which I won’t, because we work in completely different sections, and also have different work schedules), I will never get that sign, and that’s what’s ultimately holding me back from reaching out. But, if I know my friend at all, it’s that I know he’s like me and experiences a lot of anxiety, so if I want any sort of closure, at the end of the day, it’ll be up to me…but my anxiety about what if he doesn’t respond, what if we’re not friends anymore, is holding me back, and now I don’t know what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance!