I'm so frustrated with myself
I went out with my mother after a long time. Since i fell into depression our relationship took a turn for the worse. I also have really bad social anxiety and as shes socially anxious too (but denies it) she usually makes it worse for me when we go out (not on her to blame) i left the city for awhile to get some fresh air. I realized i was doing much better there. I could talk to people without hating myself for it or running it in my head at 2 in the morning. So after awhile i came back. Today when i went out with her it was like nothing had changed. I was so anxious. So nervous and my thoughts wouldn't settle. I was so scared of falling back into old patterns so i was over compensating, trying more to seem comfortable and confident but i feel like everyone could see right through it and judged me for it. I also for the first time let my self harm scars show so i think that attracted more attention which made it worse. I honestly wanna cry so much right now. Why can't i get over this? Its so simple! Its just existing and talking but i can't get it right.
@Zdzislaw18
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with anxiety it is a terrible feeling. I am glad to hear that you made that choice because you really deserve it. Take care of yourself and keep your head up :)
@Zdzislaw18
I am so sorry that that happened to you! I sympathize with you greatly. I have had that happen to me numerous times. Basically, what happened could be considered a form of conditioned response, where the conditions of such a similar environment activated very ingrained behavioural channels in the brain. You don't have complete control of it, so don't feel ashamed! I have to admit that the anxiety from your mother may have helped catalyze your anxiety as well. Emotion can be oddly contagious, especially from people that we have connections with.
You may need more time away to help ingrain new patterns where you feel like you did. Over time, those new patterns will become stronger, and you will have those patterns to try to buffer against situations that makes your brain go into Old Pattern mode.
Keep in mind that personality has a large part in this. Those of us who are more sensitive to negative feedback from others have a very hard battle to fight, as it is our own nature we are fighting. But, please know that we are out here fighting, too, and if you can't see us, it's just that we're on the next hill over. We'll send reinforcements if we can!
Good luck out there, and thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry if this reply didn't help!!
