Lack of Eye Contact
I have a total lack of ability to make eye contact with people, especially women. I am an extremely shy and awkward individual, and i don't know what to do. I think its why i am single, i haven't been able to make any emotional contact with any women, including my friends that are women. Its so bad, i can't even make eye contact with family members. It seems that i am really lacking the minimum social contact. Any help?
Hey, @zachc I've noticed with a lot who suffer with social anxiety have a big problem with eye contact with many different individuals like you displayed you have with women and family members. So, please know you're not alone and not the only one who struggles with this. Are these family members female as well, or just your family in general?
Hi Jenna
Yes for both members of my family and females, considering i have never had a girlfriend, i am now trying to discover if i am ugly, or if i am doing some body language, and eye contact makes the most sense right now.
I really don't think you're ugly. I mean I've never been on a date & I'm gorgeous hahaha. Anyway everyone who thinks they're ugly isn't. We're way too hard on ourselves. I feel yaabout the eye contact. I'm the same way. I've realized it's ok to not make eye contact all the time long as you do at least some of the time. I stare off into space a lot or if I'm doing something at the same time I look at that, glance at the surroundings. I trry to make enough eye contact so people don't think I'm distracted. There are other ways of expressing interest too like nodding, saying mhm or I see or I feel ya or asking questions that show you're paying attention. And a smile goes a long way to keep people from thinking your lack of eye contact means you don't like them
I had a lot of trouble with that myself. I actually quit one therapist when he asked me what was so interesting about my shoes - I found that an insulting way to bring this up!
I got better through CBT focused on progressively harder, regular, systematic exposures. I kept all sorts of records of my thoughts and feelings as I did things that forced more and more engagement. My therapist was very important in this. One of my thoughts was always that my making eye contact was something others would find repulsive. I also found it particularly difficult to make eye contact with women, and even more so if I found them attractive at all. My therapist was about my age and the kind of woman I'd habitually flee from because I would be too intimidated to talk to looking at her. Over a long period of time we worked myself away from staring at the books in her office and the plants. I had to do things like say hi to people on the street. The point is... this can be something you learn. Good luck!
That's interesting about the people finding it repulsive. I feel intimidated by eye contact & I guess I sometimes don't make eye contact out of courtesy that they might feel the same way in an awkward situation. I do that w/ a lotta things. Like after presentations I figured people would prefer you asking them questions separately instead of in front of everyone but most people disagree & said some people even get offended when no one asks questions in the group setting. I try to read people to get a feel but it never occurred to me before that people might actually like it. 1 day after I gave a presentation & someone asked a tough questions I was like "oh my gosh what have I been doing to other people this whole time" & then I stopped asking questions in groups until people told me most people don't feel like I do. This kid said his nerdy "antisocial" interviewers not making eye contact made him uncomfortable & he had a hard time gaging how it was going. I'd take that over the typical mind games type interview any day. But it surprised me that the most stressful part for someone else would be the complete opposite as for me. Now I wonder if being around me stresses people out. I hope not. I have friends & I can connect w/ people so I doubt it. Anyway it's weird how it's tricky to tell what people actually want & whether your considerateness is actually doing more harm than good
@zachc,
Yeah, same. To everyone regardless of genders for me. One of the main reasons is because I am slightly cross eyed. Meaning one of my pupils can wander off at random times. It makes me not confident enough to maintain eye contact for fear of being found out and people will be uncomfortable with me. Then again, without eye contact, it makes me feel lacking and weak.
