Problem with fitting in
In my daily life I constantly think about what I should do, how I should behave around other people because I don't know what others expect from me. My problem with being around people started in my early childhood. I've always felt different from others since then because most people avoided me or I couldn't to talk to them. So I had one two friends who usually also were outsider. I always divide people into 2 categories: those who can tolerate me and those who can't stand my presence. Unfortunately, I can't keep my friends for a long time. They get irritated or bored by my personality. They like when they have someone they can vent to but they can't really understand me, I think We get distant from each other because of our differences. I have similar problems with my parents. They've been trying to change me and said things like "Open up to people" "Try to talk more". They also get angry when I'm nervous and show this with hand gestures (I can't explain it and probably other things properly because English is my second language) even though I'm trying to talk politely and fight gets worse with every second. They took me to a psychologist several times but they told me only how to stop being shy which I think isn't my main problem. Of course, I also got bullied a lot and I couldn't even defend myself because I didn't know how to do it without making fool of myself.
I made some assumptions in previous paragraph but it's hard to me to interpret things that occur around me. I made some progress in communication skills due to my bigger knowledge of psychology but also got more anxious and pesimistic. I feel like I'm daily reminded about how weird I am. I go to university where I can't form any friendships and don't get any support. I'm really afraid of new situations I don't how I should react to. When it happens I barely can breathe, I scrath my skin hard enough to feel pain or beat a wall with my head to feel at least small amount of relief. I feel hopeless after all of that.
@MilenaW Hey there, that sounds really difficult. I understand how hard it can be to make your way through a world that doesn't seem to understand you. I'm glad that your communication has gotten better, though!
I'm sure that you've heard this a million times before, but self-harm is never the answer. Not only is it dangerous for your physical wellbeing, but it can also add onto the emotional stresses that you are already feeling.
You said that your friends don't like you for your personality. To that, I have to say that those people were never your friends. A friend will never abandon you for being at a rough point in your life, and I'm terribly sorry those people did that to you. But, that's not your fault. Their actions were their actions alone. If you'd like to make new friends, I suggest you try and attend activities you enjoy. Go to your favorite band's concert, volunteer at an organization you love, or other similar things. I'm sure you'll quickly meet people that love the same things you do, which can turn into lasting friendships from their.
I think that your parents are trying to help. Remember, they aren't experiencing what you are experiencing. They want to help you, but when you look at things from the outside, it seems different than from what is it like to be living it. They get upset when they see you struggling because they don't want you to struggle, and they lash out because they don't know how to help. Humans like to be right. When we aren't right, we get angry at the thing clearly showing us otherwise, because humans have trouble accepting the truth at times. Your parents don't hate you, they're just confused. Try having a talk with them at a calm time and place, and explain to them what it feels like to you inside.
Your psycologist is likely trying to help you cope with being shy first, because baby steps are easier than lunges. For example, if you learn to be more open with others and more confident around others, it will make it easier to beat anxiety because you now don't have to worry about pleasing others all the time. If this isn't a problem to you, you could begin asking them how to help out with your other problems. Be specific, and explain to them that your issues aren't being caused by your shyness, which they likely believe it is.
I hope that this helps, and I hope that you can begin to find people you are comfortable with in the near future!
Have a great day!
@HilowPeoples Thank you very much for your answer. I'm happy that I got such wise advice :) This problem with keeping friends is the most complicated because I don't know if did something wrong. The weird thing is that lately I heard similar thing about friends who aren't real friends from a person that I trusted and then I lost touch with her for a couple of months. I don't really know yet what places I should go to find friends but I'll be looking for them because in my uni people usually talk about studying or partying so I end up asking for help in some subject or helping others every time I speak.