Social Anxiety Due To My Sexuality, Need Advice!
Recently, I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, especially since starting my first traditional job. Today, I started thinking about why I feel this and when it all started. As long as I can remember, I've always had a little social anxiety. I thought maybe I was just shy, or socially awkward when I was actually hiding because I was gay. I've always known that I was different, but didn't realize that my social anxiety stemmed from me not accepting my own sexuality. Not because I am ashamed, but because of the fear of people finding out and possibly doing harm to me. See I am a 26-year-old black male who is gay. All of my life, I've been told that it's a sin, I'll burn in hell, God doesn't like homosexuals, so I've always hid it, and could never be myself 100%. My relationships failed because I just couldn't open up and express myself the way I know I could/should. I don't have any friends because I don't allow myself to get close to anyone because I fear that they will judge me, or turn their backs or something more horrible. It a sucks living like this, but this has been my life for as long as I can remember and I don't know how to turn it around. I don't wear things I want because fear what people might think. Being gay is hard enough, try being gay and black living in an urban community where you just don't fit in. I spend most of my days inside on the internet looking at all the other gay men living out their lives happily and shamelessly and often wonder why can't that be me? The funny thing is, my family accepts me and can care less that I am gay, but I can't seem to accept it and live the way I truly want to live due to fear of strangers. It sucks having crippling social anxiety and feeling alone. I just feel lost and like I don't know who I am because I've lived my life making everyone else comfortable and hiding myself. How do I break out of this routine? How can I live fearlessly and be proud of who I am? I'm afraid I'm letting life pass me by while I sit in fear hiding. It really SUCKS!!!
@rchrbl26 Your sexuality shouldn't really come up at work. Wear traditional business attire (or whatever is appropriate to your job), do the work, and be polite to your co-workers. If you look at all the fuss about sexual harrassment in the workplace, you'll see that work is really a place where sexulity shouldn't be an issue.
As far as the social scene goes, you say you're in an urban environment. There must be a bunch of other people around. Have you looked for Meet-up groups that share your interests? Do you have a favorite coffee shop where you can sit and read a newspaper? Is there a gay softball league in your town? (not being sarcastic, there's one in my town).
Just a few thoughts; good luck.
@rchrbl26
I'm sorry you've had to gone through hiding all the time and now not knowing who you are. I don't know how it feels to be you, but when I read your post I felt like my horizons were broadened. LGBT members of the community I think do have more pressures and things that they need to care about due to ignorance and unfamiliarity. You said you don't have much friends... have you joined a LGBTQ support/hang out group or something around your community? you don't have to, but I feel like if you watch people who are happily being themselves and you want to be with them, maybe you can talk to them or hang out with them and maybe practice being yourself with them so that they could support you or something? I watch drag performances sometimes because idk, I like watching performances... and those performers seem pretty expressive and such... and that's why I watch them... but I know you have social anxiety.. if you don't have any friends at all, I'm sure it's very hard to just be yourself anywhere... I'm very glad that your family accepts you for who you are... I wonder what can make you have less social anxiety... maybe a group of your favorite hobby and find someone you can connect with through your sexuality? I hope that helps.. your writing was very genuine so it spoke to me.
@rchrbl26 I really felt for you reading your post. I am sorry you are agonizing about being yourself. But also, good for you for recognizing that the anxiety comes from your sexuality. That is a huge part of beginning to feel better. Perhaps the idea of a big coming out feels too difficult? How about one small step at a time. What is the smallest possible way for you to make a statement about who you are? For example, if thinking just about clothing, can you wear one item (a hat, a button, socks, undershirt etc) that fits better with who you are? Then go out in public and wear that. Do it for as many days as you need to until it feels comfortable. Then pick a new small step to make. I agree with some of the others here that meeting others in the LGBTQ community in-person would be a great next step. It could help to have some mentors.
@rchrbl26 Sorry you are going through all of this. I do hope you are able to find a support group maybe qtpoc group where you can find people with similar situations and start with small groups/1-1. I struggle with social anxiety too and find I am able to talk more when I'm around like-minded people.
Hi @rchrbl26 i am so sorry about wjhat you are going through. Being part of the LGBTQ community can be very challenging at times with all the stigma in society. No person should have the right to judge you in any way. On 7 cups there are a great support for the LGBTQ community and you may find it very helpful. This is who you are embrase the love and happiness you experiencing.
