Social Phobia Along With Social Anxiety

I never knew I had these had issues but lately something are making really sad. So I decided to talk about with my friend and she told me that I probably have Social Phobia Along With Social Anxiety. I told her everything that has been happening to me lately so she suggested this app and told me that I should use it and talk about my issues. So I live with family and along with another family who is my uncle’s family. My family and their family are not really on good terms with each other so we don’t really get along with them. The reason why their living with us is because in 2018 their workplace and where they used to stay at got destroyed in Hurricane Micheal. They said that they would have to live with us for 15 days but it’s been one an half year since their living with us. It was really hard in the beginning because I didn’t let it bother me but lately it’s been getting at me. I always get stupid questions asked by them and they always say something which always ruins my mood, I really don’t like because the words that they say is really disturbing me and it would make me really sad. My uncle and aunt has 2 kids, one’s a boy who is 5 years older than me and other one is a girl who is 1 year older than me. So last year I started to watch some new things like Anime, Korean Music, Japanese Drama, and Korean Drama which makes me really happy whenever I watched these things and my parents and my sister doesn’t have a problem with anything that I watch. But I always feel like the other people that live us are making fun of me with what I watch and what I do. I also like to dance to Korean Music and recorded a few videos on them and I would post them on my account and my family would always support me every time I dance. But there are people who make fun of me behind my back because I dance on different languages songs, they would nice stuff on my social media but in reality they would be saying bad things about the song and the dance. I’m a really shy person so I didn’t really like to show my dance to the public but I gained my confidence by watching BTS for the first time in September 2020. They helped me a lot mentally because right when I was about to have a mental breakdown because of school and these people, I happen to watch their new song and I was really happy and I started to have confidence because of them. I dance for the first time in front of parents and my sister who started crying because she never knew I could dance like that, she was really happy that she even help to record my first ever that I posted on my account. I got really nice comment from everyone but when my cousin commented on that video I didn’t like it because of what she commented. She wrote, “LOL this is so good”, I got mad because she wrote that I was not happy with that so I didn’t reply to her comments. I just don’t understand what part of it did you find it funny I kept thinking to myself was it the dance or the song. After that I did another dance in November the song was Korean when I went outside to record the video one of my cousin came outside at the same time to go next door cause his cousin lives there and then started staring at me and my mom’s which I was using it to play the song, he keep staring at my mom’s phone because of the music video. In the music video their were are guys and when my part I started dancing but I felt like someone was watching the whole time so after 30 minutes I felt like I couldn’t do it so I went back inside and my mom asked me how did it go, I lied to her by saying that the lighting wasn’t too good she said ok and I went to my room to do some practice but something was annoying me so much that I couldn’t bare it and started watching Anime on my phone. While I was watching I keep thinking about someone watching me secretly while I was dancing. The next few day I used to go outside everyday and dance I try to dance my best but the same thing keep happening and at the end I post a video that I thought I did the best on but it really wasn’t the best. I started to get really irritated and it made not wanting to dance. When I post that video on my account, my cousin commented on that video saying that it’s so good and all that but I didn’t really care about her comments. After all this I started practicing new dances but every time I would go outside to record I feel like someone’s watching since I dance in front my house I feel like my cousins are always watching because of this my confidence was going away. After this I had Thanksgiving break and I really wanted to dance and make videos but the same thing keep happening, I really don’t care if my other neighbors are watching because I didn’t know them but with my dad’s sister and her family who lives next door and my uncle’s family living with us made me lose all my confidence. At the end of Thanksgiving break my grandpa who lives in India got Covid positive, he admitted in the hospital. After a few days the hospital staff did another Covid test and he got negative but still they didn’t discharge him because they were saying that he was having oxygen problems and it didn’t seem to get at the point where he was ok. After staying in the hospital for 17 days he passed away. I was really sad and didn’t know what to do everyone was crying and I just couldn’t listen to them so I went outside and started to look up in the sky and tears started rolling down my cheeks on it’s own. Because this my parents had to go to India the next day after my grandpa death because my grandma would be alone over there. Me and my sister had to stay by ourselves and most of the time I would have to stay home alone because she had to work from 3pm to 11pm. I wasn’t technically alone at home, my uncle and aunt and their daughter were here as well. But even if they were here I would do everything by myself, I would eat in my own because my sister would make food for me before she went to work so I was good. But for some reason my aunt keep asking me if I needed help or not, if I want her to make something to eat for me. I know it’s a good thing when someone is saying that to you but if I had said yes they would brag about how they made food for me and all that. My parents came back after a month so did my grandma because she can’t live there alone so now she lives with us. A week ago something happened to me again when I went to sleep tears started rolling down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop it so I cried. On the next day I decided to tell my friend about how I started to cry on my own for no reason. She told me that I could be missing someone so I asked her is it weird to miss people that you don’t know and she said no. So I told her that I probably miss someone and she told me that I’m probably missing grandpa. I was missing him and at the same time I was missing a lot people who are really important to me. I told her about my house problem with the other family and told her that I feel like someone’s watching me and keeping an eye on me to know what I do. Every time I do my schoolwork there always people who are looking at my laptop screen and it really weirds me out sometimes. There’s this one group i’m really into these days, there a Korean group called NCT. To me there really important part of my life because their the reason I’m always smiling and laughing, every time I look in my phone and watch their videos it makes me really happy. But recently I been missing them a lot because I can’t watch them that much these days. Like whenever I open my phone and look their pictures or videos I feel like there’s a person watching and looking at my phone screen from behind. I feel like that because there would be person behind me who are my cousin, I feel like their always curious to know what i’m doing on phone. Last week on Wednesday I was doing some homework and while I was doing that I started to cry again, on that day I thought I was gonna lose everything. I don’t know why I thought that I was gonna lose everything. Back in the days I used to play music on loud noise and I didn’t care who really listen to it but now days I can’t even do that every time when I want to listen to music I would have to wear my earphones even in my room when I’m all by myself. When I sit with everyone downstairs and I feel like listen I would play in the lowest voice put my phone on my table and put my head so I can listen to it. I try to ignore their family as much as I can but now it’s just too much to handle, I just can’t ignore them now. Every time they would say something to me I just don’t feel like responding to them but I have to, if I don’t respond they would tell everyone in my family and I would become evil to everyone and everyone would talk about me. I already have enough who talks bad about me and now I just can’t ignore the words that they say. I just don’t know what to do now. Also, I’m sorry about my grammar and my spelling mistakes. I don’t really write this much except in school. So sorry about that. And also sorry if this is too long, I just put in a lot of details.