What to do? I'm so confused!
Not entirely sure where to post this but I do apologise if it's not in the correct thread.
Ok so I'm not awfully good with words & explaining my emotions ect but I'm seeing this guy & he's wonderful! So caring, passionate, thoughtful & just genuine in my eyes, I guess you could say I have taken somewhat of a shine to him.🙄
However, I'm finding it super difficult to come up with the words with explaining to him how my anxiety effects me & basically what goes on in my head, day in day out. He is aware that I suffer with it & that I'm on medication but I can't help but think that he just doesn't understand me, yes I guess I am overthinking but I just can't help it... I don't know whether I should just come out with it all but then I'm worried it just won't be perfectly put across, like word wise, you know? Or that he just thinks I'm completely crazy & I scare him off 😩 Then again, do I just wait until he reads up on it or asks me more about it, cause then it should prove to me that he's interested in knowing more about my illness....more about me? In all honesty, I'm ever so scared & worried...I'm just thinking of ending things with him because.. Well, I guess I just don't want to find out what he thinks, you know? I don't want to be left alone cause he's scared of me or the fact It seems too much to handle or cope with. But then surely it'll be easier for me to just end it now so he doesn't have to know how messed up I am & I don't have to put him through that whole situation? & I don't have to feel like I'm dragging him down cause I'm literally such an emotional mess & I mean, he has his own problems too. I'm just so confused & stressed & getting myself in a right state! I just need some help, I'd be so appreciative & thankful...like where do I start?? How do I start?? Shall I even start??😩 I am aware that he likes me...well so he says, but why would he like me? I come with so much baggage & problems, what could be so likeable about that?? 😰😳 I do apologise for all my questions too! & my "essay" I just need some support & advice.
@xlilhboox Hello. If it helps any, I think that often how we see ourselves, is very different from how others see us. You see the negatives about yourself, your situation, but that's the anxiety talking. From what you wrote, I see a beautiful, strong, caring and compassionate young woman, full of wonderful qualities, and who, despite your not believing so, is extremely articulate in expressing herself. That's why he's with you. If you showed him your message, wrote the same in a letter to him, if he's as you say, he'll just give you the biggest hug and say it's all ok. And I'm sure he is, and would. He'll see how strong you are for showing your vulnerabilities. It takes courage to do that. I really hope everything turns out happy for you, for you both. Take care, Janet
@CuriousBookworm5 That brought tears to my eyes! Thankyou so so much for your reply & advice! I appreciate it immensely.
I'm just super scared, like all of a sudden I feel all overwhelmed & frightened, you know? In some sense I don't want to just leave it all, cause it hasn't been that long & I do care for him awfully! But again I feel although I need to end it, cause otherwise cack will really hit the fan & I just know it will be my fault. Like I said, I just don't want to drag him down to my level, especially as only a few days ago he found out his biological father had passed, although he never really had contact with him, it's still such a huge thing & I hate to go back to myself again, but I felt helpless! I know he needed some sort of comfort although he said he was fine but it's things like that, that make me think I can't go forward not in a time like this & I must sound like the most selfish, horrid person ever for saying so but if it's support he's after then I'm the worst for it in that aspect of things, you know? I can't help but think that I'll only make him worse & bring him down with all the issues I have sprouting with my mental health, not knowing if I'm coming or going! I'd hate to do that! I don't want to place all my problems on his shoulders aswell as him trying to cope with his own, you know? Gosh! I've never been so confused & my mind feeling so fuzzy & cramped.
@xlilhboox Aw. You know, I wish you could see how lovely a person you are. The irony is, people who think the worst of themselves are usually the ones who have the most to give. You truly do explain yourself very clearly. I can completely understand why you feel that ending it will spare him, but just take a breath, try to step back a little and give him the choice. Don't decide for him or second guess the situation. Love is taking people as a whole. He won't look at you and see a girl full of troubles. He hasn't. He'll see a girl who makes him happy, that's why he wants and chooses to be with you. I'm sure that, if he had any idea you were considering walking away and why, he'd say no, don't. Anxiety makes us feel things so raw, it's overwhelming. It also makes everything inside chaotic and loud, so situations become as if the volume has been turned up full on a stereo. Thoughts, especially anxious ones, rarely match the reality. If you told him, or wrote a letter to him, from how you describe him, he'd support you. He knows some of it already and he's still there. He's still there because you are worth fighting for. You are a good person and if I see that and I don't know you, then your boyfriend will certainly see that. Tell him, exactly as you have on this site. It's scary, but chances are, it could make what you have together, even stronger. You've taken an amazing step, just by being on this site and reaching out for support. Let people on here help you too. Build a support system for yourself and, although it won't suddenly make things ok, will act as a foundation for you. People to catch you when you fall. Always here if ever you want to leave a message. It will all be ok. Take care, Janet
@CuriousBookworm5 Again, Thankyou so much for your support & advice. I'm ever so grateful!
I have done exactly what you suggested, I sent him my "essay" but put it a little more into my own words & more directed towards him & im currently waiting on a reply...I'm super nervous! 😩 I just hope he understands.. I'm a very strong believer in you've got to help yourself before anyone can help you & well at first I just told him that I needed to talk to him & without sounding too cliché, that it wasn't him but that it was me & I then went on to explain how my anxiety & depression has gotten the better of me once again & that I'm not entirely sure whether I'm coming or going. He didn't really react well to this, he was rather upset which made me feel a hell of a lot worse, as I'm not out to hurt him, far from that! I just hope to god he gets where I am coming from & doesn't hate me too much. Because regardless, he will always have a place in my heart & I will always be here if he ever needs me.
@xlilhboox Hello and aw, you must be so nervous. You've been amazingly brave to do that, it's not easy telling someone how you feel, how it impacts on your life, especially not when you're close to them. It sounds like he's thought you were saying 'I don't want a relationship' at first, going off his reaction. Well. That to me seems very much like he wants to be at your side ❤ Once he realises that it's him you're thinking of, I'm sure he'll reassure you that any problems can be faced together. Just reassure him in turn that you care for him and want things to work out. You are a very, very strong person. Might not feel like that, but you are. The care and love you show towards your boyfriend is beautiful. He's very lucky to have you in his life, I mean that whole heartedly. Be proud of yourself, for everything you are. Everything is light and dark I think, people included. People the most. The darkness and fears you feel, as bad as they feel, much as they push into your life, exist because the light side of them is sensitive, creative and deeply compassionate and understanding. You shine as bright as a star through all that darkness. That's what people see. I hope so much this works out for you. I'll be hoping all day now that he gets back to you! Sure he will. Here whenever you need to talk. Have a lovely day, Janet
@CuriousBookworm5 Thankyou ever so much for all your replies, support & advice. I appreciate it immensely!
In the end I just came out with it all & at first he was rather upset over the fact I was thinking like that & was debating whether to just end things & be done with it all. It's times like these when I thought that I'd never find someone who would be so understanding of my anxiety & depression, my daily struggles ect, someone ever so thoughtful & willing to learn & see past my insecurities, to support me & stand by me when I feel so alone. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to of met someone who makes me feel accepted & loved!
It was such a hard decision for me to make, especially with what was going on in my head but I'm so glad we managed to sort things out & understand one another. I know now that myself & him can get through a lot of tough situations in the future if any & know that we have one another to lean on & turn too for the support & trust.
I'd also like to mention that I am so glad I turned to this site for help & advice, I have so much respect for the people on here aswell as your lovely self & again, I'm so appreciative of your replies & taking the time to read my post & advise me!
Thankyou so so very much! 💕
@xlilhboox Aw, you're more than welcome, truly. I'm so, so glad things have turned out okay! He sounds a wonderful man but you are equally a wonderful person. I so admire and respect your facing this the way you have. It's taken a lot of courage. Many wouldn't have been so brave and that you did it, I hope, acts as a belief in yourself that can be nurtured. You both deserve a bright, happy future. Whatever happens in your life, always remember that you are special. There's only one you. I hope with all my heart, you find all the support you need. To feel as you do, yet still look outwards, that's what will be your saving grace. No matter how down you feel, your love for others is stronger. You deserve to give that same care to yourself too. Yes, the site is just amazing! So many people giving their care and time. I'm glad to have answered you, it's been my honour. Any time you need to talk, I'm here. Have a lovely evening and again, so glad things are ok. Very happy!!! Big hugs and take care, Janet x 💖