being successful when you're shy
Hi. Thought it'd be fun to start thread on how to be successful professionally when you're shy. I'm starting my career & everyone's telling me networking is huge & you gotta be in the limelight all the time. I'm hoping there's some other way. I find being in the limelight really draining & distracting & I'm sure I'm not the only 1. Ik everyone can work to be better but everyone has a different idea of better. I'm sick of being told there's something wrong w/ my personality & I need to change to be someone else. I don't wanna have to fake my whole life. Anyone else figured out if there's another way to get stuff done?
Hello, I have depression, anxeity, and Im extremely extremely shy, or was. I used to be scared to even call the pizza guy, or talk to a friend. I can honestly tell you, if you dont let this get in the way YOU CAN BE SUCCESSFUL. My depression and anxeity isnt light, its severe. Maybe not as much as some but it was awful. Ive cut for about 6 years, and being shy, and successful is hard. Its not just something you wake up to, and you dont have to change... but you do have to be determined to grow.
Tips on how to grow yourself and be less shy:
1. ALWAYS step out of your comfort zone. If you see a situation that makes you nervous, but not bad enough where it could make you have a breakdown, take it. Talk to a stranger standing in line, be the first volenteer to talk in class, or say hey to someone youve always wanted to.
2. Put yourself in something that challenges you. Like a club, organization, or job. Something different that challenges you to grow, and step out of that comfort zone (again not to the point youd have a breakdown)
3. Start small, this goes back to doing things that makes you nervous, but nothing that would kill your confidence.
4. Learn to love yourself. This takes time, and energy. Make a list of things you like about yourself, small things. Even if its like "I like how fast my hair grows", or "I like my voice"... and add something new to that list everyday, and read it all the time.
5. Thing of goals, write them down, tell your friends and family, cats, dogs, social media,,strangers about them, read them serveral times a day, and write them down at least once.
6. Dont think about who you were in the past, or who you are right now. Think about your potential, who you want to be, and keep your mind ahead.
7. Have future vision.
I was extremely shy as I said. I had to push depression aside. I told it I didnt have time for its bullshit. I had to push anxiety aside, and yes. I have had breakdowns, and anxiety attacks infront of people who were much higher above me in my job too. But as long as i let everytime be a lesson rather than a setback it helped. I now can make speeches infront of rooms of people, no problem. I run group interviews daily, and I can talk to any stranger I want. I have confidence and I dont know where I would be if I hadnt worked on overcoming it, and growing from it. Making any set back an opportunity to grow.
I still struggle with it, but dont let it stop me. Im 20 years old and successful. And Im just getting started.
Wow this is really inspiring. Thanks for sharing :) I'm 20 too & presentations give me so much anxiety argh. I could never do that many so often. That's really ballsy of you to take risks like that @ your job. That's 1 thing I'm terrified of. I'm so worried about ppl finding out I have anxiety. Hiding it takes so much effort & I just wanna get away & can't wait to go home when I have anxiety. It used to be that way the rest of the day but now I can usually calm myself down & at least move on somewhat. I'm trying to step outta my comfort zone doing things I enjoy so it'd be rewarding & not extra miserable on top of the anxiety lol. I might work towards that sometime haha. I do try to focus on what I wanna do in the future. Sometimes it's hard to figure it out & know what I actually want & what's the anxiety talking lol
This is a great topic @igetcha and I love the ideas @Nahhhhh has shared, especially the first three. Like @Nahhhhh, I have experience dealing with anxiety in the professional world.
I agree that in many professions, networking is key. But networking doesn't mean you have to be the life of the party. Ultimately, networking is about building relationships - and research shows that weak ties (acquaintances) are a hugely important part of networking. Talking 1-on-1, or in a small group, is probably the best way to build those connections. I find taking a genuine interest in people is the most interesting way to go about making those connections (rather than engaging in small talk and thinking of it as a chore).
I can also identify with the feeling that you don't want to have to 'fake [your] whole life'. Like many people, I dress differently for work and am mindful of having to speak and act professionally. In this sense, changing how you act at work is 'normal' part of professional life. Those of us with anxiety just have to work a bit harder at it!
That's a really good point about not having to be the life of the party. I used to feel the need to & it was exhausting. I tried in class & it distracted from learning. I prefer 1-1 for talking. I like listening in groups but don't really say much. I network w/ ppl I'm genuinely interested in too. It's so much easier & less awkward. Sometimes idk if I make ppl uncomfortable tho. Like if they think I'm being too friendly or crossing a line. I find it so hard to ask for someone's card or ask them for someone else's card. I love email & linkedin. Makes life so much easier. I get the whole dress code, proffesional etiquette ect. My issue is that I don't wanna act like I'm smarter or more all-knowing than I am. I also don't wanna have to pretend ik what to do in every social situation. I make really crazy decisions sometimes. Gotta love that autistic logic lol. Works well for technical decisions, not social ones. Just wish I didn't have to make all those decisions alone. I text my friends for their opinions a ton. Ppl say to ask your work friends about stuff instead of texting your personal friends from work but there's this idea that you should already know how to deal w/ everything yourself. I feel so much better asking for confirmation than guessing. It makes my life so much easier & stops my OCD from taking over. & it's really not a big deal. I just hate how ppl make a big deal out of it. Eg this is a pretty lame example but knowing what to wear. I went to this 1 event & we had a fb pg & someone posted asking what everyone's wearing. I thought it was awesome & ballsy. I would feel like a total ditz posting that. & people start laughing/silently judging if I ever bring up awkward social situations, especially if it's not something happening right now. Or maybe I'm reading into it too much. I feel so relieved when someone else brings up an awkward situation & I feel like it's not just me. Then I share something that seems in the ball park to me but they get weirded out or think I'm crazy. I just wish I had to stop pretending to be a social butterfly. I'm not. I try to be as social as possible but I have a lot to learn. If I can get through the interview I can't keep it up forever & then I get to a situation where idk what to do & ppl are confused why someone so graceful & social wouldn't know. Sometimes I wanna be full on awkward me & know if ppl would still want me. I don't have the guts to risk it though.
It's good to know a bit more about your situation, @igetcha. In many workplaces, once you get to know your colleagues and settle in, there're times when you can be yourself more. I know there are some colleagues I choose to share my anxiety with, while others get the full, "I'm fine" facade, or some vague apologetic comments about why I'm not at my best.
You mentioned not wanting to act like you're smarter than you are... In my experience, employers really value someone who knows their strengths and limitations/areas to work on. A genuine willingness and drive to learn is a real asset in any work environment.
Yes, there will be times when there're social hiccups, but you have a unique set of skills and talents that make up for those times!
Yea I feel ya. I usually don't share specifics. I usually say I'm totally fine but if I don't look totally fine sometimes ppl don't trust me even for other stuff. Idk if maybe it's better to just say I'm a lil nervous if they ask. I hate having to give those perpetual apologies. Eventually ppl start thinking I'm bsing them. I once even told someone I'd been "sick.: But I hate being a perfectly healthy looking person who perpetually feels awful on the inside. I've been a lot better recently but last yr it was almost always. I hate how it's not something that's just gonna get better overnight & I can't make a miraculous recovery & show how awesome I can be. I have some really weird social hiccups, sometimes ones that can't be explained in regular ppl terms. The worst part is not knowing what's normal for ppl my age & what's a hint something's up w/ me. I usually regret telling ppl anything. Sometimes it gets to the point I just need to tell someone & I tell the 1st person who seems understanding about anything & I instantly regret it. They usually don't treat me different right away tho which is really reassuring. But still I hate having this secret. I feel like a criminal hiding something. I really just want a simple honest life. My mom says ppl who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. I wish that was true. So sick of ppl assuming I'm on drugs. No this is actually me trying my best & doing good work too. Can't believe my weird quirks make ppl assume stuff like that. I just can't trust anyone & it sucks. I feel like no one gets me & whenever I go someplace new the chances of finding anyone who gets me are slim. I used to act pretty crazy since that's what ppl saw me as anyway but then I got sick of it cuz I didn't meet ppl I really connected w/. Just wish there was some kinda light @ the end of the tunnel
I went to school for interior design and cringed everytime we had a group project assigned. Somehow I managed to get through my schooling on my technical and artistic skills, but couldn't even present my senior thesis because I had a panic attack in the middle of the copy store beforehand. Anyways, it has been a year since I graduated and I met with a recruiter in California who told me I have a very flat energy level and will have a very hard time getting my foot in the door even though I have the skills needed for jobs. Now I just feel completely defeated and have no idea what to do with myself. I work at a grocery store, which obviously does not provide enough money for therapy after student loans have been paid. Social Anxiety sucks... the world just isnt made for us. 
I'm so sorry that recruiter told you that. I've gotten such mixed opinions from career counselors & profs. 1 person said he liked how I was mellow & not all over the place & another person said she like ppl w/ enthusiastic energy & she said even if you're not naturally enthusiastic what really matters is that you get more enthusiastic than your baseline when you're talking about stuff you're passionate about. That's 1 person's opinion, not the whole world's. I've heard all kinds of similar stuff from ppl & gotten OCD about it. Not good. Some ppl even say stuff like that to mess w/ you. I went to a college interview a couple yrs ago. 1 of my 1st interviews ever. The guy called me a slacker. I'm anything but a slacker. I'm a nervous wreck. I got obsessed w/ tryna not look like a slacker. A yr later I found that school purposefully messes w/ ppl's heads/ I later ran into someone who offered me a job but then kept postponing when I'd start to like months away. So far away I realized it's not gonna happen. Well I lost interest anyway since he was so manipulative. He could tell I was nervous & he'd tell me all kinds of stuff about my personality-mostly phrased as compliments but phrased in a way to get a certain response. Eg "but you're the leader, right?" That's the tip of the iceberg. But that guy is another story. The point is he had another agenda. Still not sure what & not sure I wanna know. I just know he's the messed up 1 in this situation. Did you hear about Brian Williams & Lester Holt? Brian was more pizazzy but he lied on camera during his news segment & lost his job & Lester got it. You don't have to be the pizazzy person. What matters is you got skills & you're not a jerk. Ik it's a lot easier said than done. I obsess about this stuff all the time. HEaring about it from someone else helps put it in perspective. Sure there might be some formula to get to the top of the pyramid but there's not 1 right way to be. You seem like a hard working, skilled, good person which is better than most ppl ik. I wasted way too much time & energy selling out & got so outta touch w/ the real me I could be convinced almost anything & my standards were going down. I realized it;d gotten too far & I couldn't expect ppl to like me for me if I was acting like someone else. I was ashamed & I didn't wanna tell my parents or my few real friends or anyone. Now that I'm back to being the real me I'm confused about how to do a lotta professional things ut I'm not ashamed of who I am anymore. I might have 1 secret but I'm sick of letting it snowball into 100 more. I'm awful @ interviews & I'm brainstorming other ways to get discovered. I love all things online eg online apps, job boards ect. I'm thinking I'll email ppl @ companies I'm interested in to start a convo & keep it going a lil bit before getting to interviews so they have a better, less nervous, more accurate picture of me. Also portfolios are huge. No one can argue w/ that. If you can't afford councelling I've heard about free support groups & even free regular counseling. Plus this site is awesome :) I do feel like the world isn't made for us sometimes but the world is really only made for the 1% anyway. Scratch that the world is made for everyone but a select few act like they own it & they show their "power" by opressing anyone who's not like them to make it look like their traits are better. I've been bullied enough to have 0 respect for ppl who act that way. Who cares if they don't like me. There are still 99% of ppl who'd understand. A lot of ppl can relate on some way. Everyone has something-their weight, color, orientation, accent ect & there's never enough $ to match this mainstream idea of perfection. After living on a budget I wouldn't spend my hard earned $ on impressing others anyway. Idc if there are more "charismatic" ppl out there. Everyone has their own idea of what's charismatic shaped by their perspectives & experiences. There's nothing wrong w/ you. There's something wrong w/ the ppl who think there is. They're not ppl you'd wanna work for anyway. The economy sucks & it's pretty typical to take a while to find a job in your field after college. & you're getting social experience @ your grocery store job so you're already getting better @ that too
Congratulations on graduating despite your anxiety, @poiisonoak. That's quite an achievement! I'm sorry to hear the recruiter shot you down like that. They probably had no clue what an impact their words would have. Hopefully working at the grocery story will be a good opportunity to tackle the social anxiety in a relatively low-stress (?) job. Perhaps you can see it as a chance to focus on overcoming those hurdles and then recharge before having another go at the career you're really after?
Do you guys think it's possible to be successful w/o projecting yourself a certain way? I've been trying way too hard & it was distracting from actually being productive. I'm naturally not very confident especially when I'm new to everything w/ the fast learning curve in college. I love learning. I just never feel like I know enough. I'm pretty down-to-earth deep down & I don't like faking but idk if I can be successful this way. I just wanna focus on learning & staying outta trouble, not making a ridiculously awesome impression everywhere.
Learning and staying out of trouble is a great start on making an awesome impression, @igetcha. It seems like these worries are causing you a great deal of stress. Sometimes the best response to a question is to set the question aside, rather than to try answering it. For example, when the question "Do I need to fake being outgoing to be successful?" arises, you might say to yourself, "Some parts of being successful are out of my control. I choose to focus on learning, which I enjoy. I can focus on being more outgoing when I'm closer to graduating."
Alternately, you could break the problem into small, manageable steps, rather than this all-or-nothing style of thinking. Yes, being outgoing is an asset in many settings, so what small, manageable step could you take to make progress in that direction? Something like saying 'Hi' to one new person each day, or smiling at a stranger each day might be a good place to start.
Yea that's true. I think I just need to figure out when it's actually important & when it's not. It's also not even so much about being outgoing-that too but mostly about having to act like I have everything together. I'd rather just be blatantly honest always. It'd be a huge load off my chest & I wouldn't keep attracting all these ppl who only like me for the fake me. I just dunno if it's practical
The points mentioned above are all very good. Pushing past your comfort zone, especially, is very important.
Something I'd like to add here however relates to shyness and introversion in general. They each have natural advantages to them.
I'm incredibly shy in real life and socially anxious. The combination of the two makes me more studious, which gives me more insight than my contemporaries who are more busy talking to see the angles. If you're shy, that's an advantage that you have over your more outgoing contemporaries.
Keep an open mind to your advantages as well as your challenges.
Yea that's so true. I've been so busy lately trying to succeed like someone else & it's been distracting. All that talking makes you miss stuff haha. I need to succeed like me. I like being around ppl having discussions w/o having to do much talking myself. You get to hear everything w/o being busy coming up w/ a response. I need to work on prioritizing when to do what. I've always also kinda had a tendency that if my ideas aren't really going anywhere w/ ppl I kinda just go w/ whatever they want & sit back. I need to get better @ contributing bits & pieces in a way that's not stepping on anyone's toes. I usually just let go of my idea if I think there's even a chance it'd be stepping on someone's toes
"I've been so busy lately trying to succeed like someone else... I need to succeed like me."
@igetcha Couldn't have said it better myself!
@igetcha
It's a bit of a trap to go with what other people are saying. Remember that being shy, you probably observe things that others don't. People need to hear that voice and those ideas.
Yea I do & I don't like the attention that comes w/ bringing it up. Some things are worth it though. I love all things anonymous eg 7 cups lol because I can give my input & help people w/o getting much attention
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