Possessive special interests
Hello cups,
I was diagnosed autistic last year level 1 though truly I struggle to maintain independence, well, what I have of it. But knowing I'm austic has made my life on the whole much more clear and much much better. However I've noticed that sometimes in relationships, romantic, familial or platonic, I can be very possessive over my special interests, specifically my art currently. I don't feel like I have a lot to hold onto sometimes, and if someone in my life starts showing an interest in my special interest esp if they weren't very into it before, I can become highly defensive and suspicious. I have had this problem since I was a kid, leaving activities etc because someone else joined it in my family etc. I have really struggled to feel like I have anything that's mine. Now, I notice that in one of my relationships some of the specific themes and even style I use in my art being sort of tried out or co-opted. I don't know if this is a trauma response, valid in wanting to hold onto something that is unique to me, or just being generally over 'people-ing.' I have had a triggering CPTSD week with family and just lost my grandmother. I just see a lot of the time the things that are unique about me being adopted; meanwhile whether it's real or imagined, I feel abandoned and unseen esp in difficult times. Any thoughts I would greatly appreciate but please if you do, be kind. I am dealing with a lot of rejection sensitivity and already isolating myself. For example I tried to start an art group myself but cancelled it today due to lack of interest, and getting pictures of art from my relationship (romantic,) where it felt like I'm being used to further their own art when I've had a terrible week. I'm just feeling hurt. :(
Anyway, thanks & happy to be part of the autistic community here,
Moth 🦋
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I can relate to feeling protective of my special interests, maybe not the exactly as you describe but it's still a relatable sentiment. I was so awkward about it when I was a teenager. I haven't really grown out of it so much as I've learned to mask it. Like if something I like is suddenly trending I feel a sort of...pang of discomfort, an anxiety. I don't use *** for that reason.
***i don't use a popular social media site for that reason
Yeah I think you're on target. It's just a weird pang, sort of an old pattern of envy or something. I'm working on it and trying to let go of ego around it because I know it's not happening in my life from a place of malice or anything, maybe just younger me wanting to be seen. Working on it and it's getting better but no one's perfect and I think it's okay to want your own thing esp when it's sort of everything to you but... You know, on my assessment it was noted I was never very good at sharing. I don't have to become a different person but it's okay to admit faults. Thanks for responding and I hope you have a beautiful day/night.
I think what you said about your younger self/inner-child is true. That's a good way of putting it.
Hope you also have a good day/night :)
@memyselfandmothThank you for sharing so openly. It makes a lot of sense that your art and special interests feel deeply personal and important, especially when you’ve experienced so much loss and rejection. Wanting to protect what feels uniquely yours is a very human response, and it doesn’t mean you’re being unreasonable or overly sensitive. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot right now, and feeling like your creativity is being co-opted can add to that pain. It might help to gently communicate your feelings to those close to you, letting them know how important your art is and how their actions affect you. Finding small ways to create safe spaces for your interests, even if it’s just for yourself, can also help you feel more grounded. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal and protect your boundaries.