Acknowledging my PDA while Gaming
I have a friend who calls himself "The Autism Guy", and that's for good reason: he's been worked with Autistic kids and studying Autism for the last 10 years, and he's worked in a place where most people don't really understand (or care) about Autism. Let's call this guy "Jim".
Jim and I were playing games last night, and he said "You should take that equipment otherwise you're going to lose." I know that he's right: I needed something more powerful to keep myself safe in the game. But the word "should" threw all reason out the window. So instead of doing what I would normally do (politely say "mmhmm" and going on with my day with no intention of taking the equipment), I explained to him "I know you're right, but because you've demanded it of me, I probably won't take it." The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Jim: But if you don't take it, you'll probably lose. A lot. Repeatedly.
Me: Yeah, but that's likely true if I do take it too. I'm not as good at this game as you are.
Jim: So you should just take it, because it's really good equipment.
Me: Okay, but I probably won't.
Jim: Fine. It's your choice if you want to lose a lot in the game.
Me: See, I know you're right. But now you've demanded it twice, and you're making fun of me a little bit, so I'm definitely not going to use it.
The conversation went on like this until I had to snap back at him that he was being jerky. I know that logically he is making good points, but I also know that every time I look at that equipment now (because of my PDA) it will repulse me. It's especially frustrating that this person who calls himself "The Autism Guy" would be so oblivious to what I'm explaining while still continuing to act like it's my fault and I can just fix it.
I'll need to talk to him at some point about this, but I wonder if anyone else resonates with this experience. If you'd like, please feel free to share your own stories! 💖💖💖
@HappySpecter
I’ve never heard of PDA as a diagnosis, but it makes sense. I also find it highly relatable. While working, I always did more than was expected of me because it felt like a way to gain autonomy. I smoked for 23 years, but when I was told I needed help to quit, I quit without any help. If someone tells me that I can’t do this or build that, I feel compelled to prove them wrong. When I was a kid, that resistance to being told what to do, was indeed pathologically extreme.
So, here I am, very much matching that PDA description, and married to a person who very much likes to tell me what to do! It’s no wonder I find myself grumbling inside my head. The thing is, her compulsion to give orders seems be at least as extreme as my resistance to receiving them.
I think the thing that’s saved us from running, screaming into the woods, moving to opposite ends of the world, is that we’ve figured out how to acknowledge that we have these issues and work together to manage them. We use humor a lot. Also, I often have already done what what she’s asked me to do. Sometimes I ask her if she really thinks I need instruction on certain things. We also have agreed upon chores that we each do, so there’s not much for her to ask me to do anyway. She was a schoolteacher before becoming a lawyer, so on occasion I’ve reminded her that I wasn’t one of her students.
It sounds like “The Autism Guy” has some knowledge gaps. Even the most expert of experts have those. For all we know, Neil deGrasse Tyson may not know how to change spark plugs in his car. I don’t see where “fault” comes into it. If there’s any “fault,” it’s his for not having the objectivity and humility to actually listen to what you were saying.
Hopefully, you’ll find a time when he’s more receptive to hearing what you have to say.
My wife may tell me what to do, but my cat tells her what to do. :)
Thank you for sharing! Jim is one of my closest confidants, so I felt compelled to talk to him as soon as I could. He owned up to what happened, and we've worked out out. I think you're right: he has some gaps but nobody's perfect. He was very understanding, thankfully.
For me saying "you should ______ otherwise ________ is what especially triggers me more than just a suggestion. It feels like they are telling me there's only one way to do things which my brain really does not like.
