Unmasking as Autistic female
No words really. Just how? I let myself unmask in therapy yesterday, and then I did today out of tiredness, and got told I was grumpy/rude, so now I'm more reluctant :/
Opening up can feel great @CalmCoral ...being shutdown or invalidated though, can feel awful.
@CalmCoral
people: unmask, be yourself!
us: okay. *unmasks*
some people: not like that
In fact, it takes courage to show up to the world as you really are- and not as a performance of who you believe you have to be to survive, or to be received well or even neutrally. I'm sorry you're left feeling discouraged from being able to take rest from masking, as I know how exhausting it can be day in and day out, and the burn out it leads to with time.
If I may ask, I'm wondering what the person or people who told you that you were coming off as grumpy/rude. Could you teach me more about the usual nature of your connection with them, and possibly what happened? ♥︎
☀︎ your friendly local AuDHD Listener☀︎
@zaatarHoney
Ahhh gosh you really get it *hugs if okie*
It's like people want to be seen as doing the right thing, by supporting us neurodivergent people, yet actually, they don't accept us.
It felt good to unmask in front of my care coordinator in therapy. She knew I was tired and grumpy as soon as I walked in and sighed really heavily. She made a few jokes about it because I was complaining about people haha, but she knew what to do to help me. I automatically went to sit on a chair and went silent and tense, but she got me to sit on the floor, which she knows helps, and got me doing colouring with her. I just relaxed, from tiredness and I didn't care if my autistic traits came out to her. After all she diagnosed me! She's literally the only person who I feel understands me and who I feel is safe to unmask around.
There's this one learning support assistant at school. I used to get along with her really well, I'd always confide in her, but that was before I had a therapist. Then I realised, it was like she was just nosy? I let myself distance from her as I felt her support wasn't genuine. I'll still have a laugh with her sometimes. Everytime I sit on the floor or stim, she automatically assumes I'm in some kind of crisis, constantly asking if I'm okay. When I was too tired to mask my communication, she kept going on about how confrontational I was, which to be honest just angered me more and meant I was more short with her. She assumed something was going to annoy me, so I said no, it doesn't. Which was honest. She didn't even like that.
I've started to try and unmask around family, but it hasn't gone very well. Sometimes I'll be told to get over it (if I'm recovering from something sensory overwhelming, like a visit to the shops), or told it doesn't make sense I am incapable of doing things I used to be able to do. No, I'm just asking for accomodations. Asking mum to read one thing at a time that she needs doing. And it's also influenced that now mum knows my anger isn't just I'm a bad person, it's when I'm overwhelmed. So it's going to look more. But I'm not suddenly acting more autistic.
My dad isn't diagnosed, but we all assume he is, and so now mum things that we are ganging up against her. She calls us the monster raving loony party who are taking over her control basically. Our views are less. She's apparently the only sensible one.
I think there's still a panic of getting it wrong. I was in one of the group chats here the other day, and apologised an awful lot because I was worried I'd misunderstood something.
I just wish there was a world suited for us neurodivergents, that we could escape to.
Sorry, this wasn't meant to be this long! Thanks for being understanding 💜
@CalmCoral
I appreciate so much all of the thought you took into your reflection share w me. With the glimpse of your life you've shown me, I can see where this vibe of liberation is coming from and where there is still annoyance/frustration.
Your therapist is such a ♦︎ gem ♦︎ (as are you) -- and frankly, I'm here for it. She gave you the gift that allows you to understand and support yourself better- and that's where mom's disconnect seems to be possibly, yeah?
From "This is going to have to display as anger because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" to "I'm receiving too much of XYZ input and my overwhelm is causing me to feel short and tense"- Where previously there was just boundless misunderstood energy, there is now opportunity to strategize for effective coping skills and solutions. ♥︎ That is brilliant and I'm so happy for you.
When it comes to Autism diagnoses, there's often a "not my kid" vibe in the air from someone, somewhere, at some point lol. That illogical mindset has kept a countless many of us from receiving proper supports so we could thrive and navigate life like anyone else in great and meaningful ways.
"My anger isn't just I'm a bad person- I'm overwhelmed" ouuff that hit deep! Autism has never ever been a moral issue- you always deserved to be met with empathy, warmth and patience. It's strange how that's easier for some to accept that it's some moral flaw or issue- than it is for them to understand, "Without knowing this about myself, I couldn't help it because I wasn't given the tools and understanding I needed to help myself. Now that I know, I can."
Also, "Are you okay?" Especially when it's said without actual genuine concern, has got to be one of the most nails-on-chalkboard energies to deal with. When I'm caught stimming unexpectedly, and someone is surprised by it, I usually just say I'm vibing and living my best life.
We choose where we devote and invest our energies. We should, and are always allowed, to choose ourselves. You deserve more spaces where you are not required to perform the dozens of mental olympics to pacify others - may we all find them. ♥︎
I am grateful for crossing paths with you, Coral. ♥︎ Thank you for being here & feel welcome to reach out anytime, dear one.
@zaatarHoney
Thank you so much for understanding 💜 I was having a rough day and when I read your reply, it was like a reminder I do fit in the world somewhere 🥺
It's crazy how the mental health team who are out of hours (eot), have gone from telling me to have a bath and a cup of tea, to actually supporting me haha. I reached out today and got my head around a few things.
Is it normal to have soooo many questions? To not know who you actually are? After diagnosis?
I'm scared of becoming an oldie and August is looming ever closer. Lots of changes all at once that I'm scared of.
I think when I go into school tomorrow I'll write something down for one of the learning support staff I've never confided in, but she is kind to me. I think I'll write a list of helpful and unhelpful things to say, and speak to her about the teacher making me uncomfy.
I feel like tomorrow is going to be a day of headphones in, fiddle toys constantly in my hand and sitting in the floor!
A question for you, only if you are comfortable, do you feel childish when you unmask? I don't know how to explain it. It's like all my communication skills go out the window, my posture, my ability to sit still.
Also my username changed today as you might see, so please may you tag me with my new username... I've subscribed to the thread but won't get tags otherwise (: thanks for understanding.
Do you have any tips for a newly diagnosed autistic? Any accomodation ideas etc.?
Thank you for being so amazing and kind 💜🌻