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What do you do when that one person who gets you is gone?

User Profile: sociableScarf2280
sociableScarf2280 September 6th

My wife has been my best (and virtually only) friend for the last 20 years. When I have a problem, I talk about it with her. Also, when I have a problem, my solution space looks (I believe) very different from a neurotypical’s. I’m a “first principles”, avoid unnecessary assumptions, question the conventional wisdom sort of guy and my wife (who is also AuDHD) understands that. Except that we’re now separated and she doesn’t really want to talk to me anymore. She’s the only person in the world I have any desire to talk through my problems with. I have siblings who’d be happy to hear me out but I just don’t want to talk to them and I’m pretty confident that they simply won’t understand where I’m coming from as I try to navigate the issue and reach a solution. 

I can’t be the only neurodivergent person to have ever encountered this. What do you do?

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User Profile: CalmRosebud
CalmRosebud September 6th

@sociableScarf2280

It is incredibly heavy when the one person who truly speaks your language and understands your processing style is suddenly not there anymore. When you operate from first principles and need to strip away conventional assumptions to solve a problem, trying to explain that blueprint to people who don't think that way feels exhausting and ultimately pointless. It makes complete sense why you don't want to force that onto your siblings, even if they mean well, because having to translate your entire baseline before you can even start problem-solving just adds to the burn out.

Right now, you are dealing with a massive disruption to your core processing system, and it is completely normal to feel stranded. In the short term, many people in your shoes find it helps to externalize the raw data without trying to force it into a neurotypical mold. Writing, typing, or even recording voice notes purely for yourself lets you break down those first principles and map out the solution space without having to filter or justify your logic to anyone else. It won't replace her presence, but it keeps your mind moving and prevents the thoughts from stagnating.

Longer term, you aren't alone in this experience at all, and there are communities out there specifically full of AuDHD minds who approach life from that exact same foundational level. When you feel up to it, seeking out those specific neurodivergent spaces can give you a place to talk through things where you don't have to translate yourself. For now, give yourself permission to just be in the space you're in, take the pressure off having to explain your mind to your family, and let yourself process this massive shift one piece at a time.

User Profile: Angel628
Angel628 September 7th

@SociableScarf2280

I understand completely

I have a sibling and a parent that I like and feel comfortable talking to about my issues with, if something did happen that prevented me from ever talking with them I’d be a anxious mess

My advice to you is talking with your friends who if they have ADHD or autism talk to them or try finding someone who is neurodivergent and you feel comfortable talking to that you would feel comfortable with.

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