i feel like an alien

everything i do is engulfed in this layer of inherent difference. the way i talk, my mannerisms, the way i make sense of things, carry myself, the way i feel and think, it all just feels wildly different from the way people are “supposed” to behave and be. i feel like an alien pretending to be human. going to human school, living in a human world, trying to interact with humans. i seem to blend in with them, but at the end of the day, we’re just inherently different. 

i know this is part of how my autism manifests itself. i actually really like being autistic and finding community with other autistic people. i think it’s wonderful how much variance there is in our experiences. however, i can’t help but feel like i’m literally just too different and too weird for anyone to deal with. this is constantly reinforced by the people and circumstances around me. 

i’m often told i don’t make sense even though i’m genuinely trying to. people have a difficult time understanding the way i word and express things verbally. i’m reminded time and time again just how weird and different i am, and i‘m so tired of it. at this point, all i want is to communicate, think, and act like a “normal,” palatable, and societally acceptable person. i don’t want to be everyone’s freak anymore. i’d rather be boring and normal than an alien everywhere i go