Help With My BP Husband
Hi Everyone,
I’ve had this app on my phone for months but I haven’t really used it so far. I am a cis female 47 married to a cis male 44 who has bipolar disorder.
It’s a long story but we have 3 kids (1, 6, 7) and for two years the older kids and I lived in a domestic violence shelter due to the physical abuse of their dad. He got therapy and medication, we reconciled, we moved back in together. COVID happened, we had a new baby.
The lamictal doesn’t work anymore. He hasn’t been in therapy since we moved back in together. He won’t take the new meds bc of the potential side effects. He has promised to get back in therapy.
He flips out at the slightest sign of stress. I do all of the talking to teachers and doctors and neighbors. My family is mostly dead and his family dislikes me for leaving when things escalated to physical abuse, so we don’t have anyone close to talk to. When we argue he goes into a manic episode and what ends up happening is I take care of the kids by myself. We live in a tiny awful cockroach-infested 1 bedroom apartment in LA because that’s what the shelter could help me get.
He is a computerized programmer but can’t hold down a job. He spends a lot of time working on “projects” and gets mad if he can’t get time to do that.
Things have been getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do. He gets angry and picks on our oldest. He follows my Twitter and gets angry if I post things like “I’m tired”.
I sleep in the tiny bedroom on a full sized mattress with the older kids and the baby in the crib adjacent to us. He sleeps on a futon in the main room and (long story) has a room nearby where he can go and relax).The whole apartment is 700 square feet and there’s five of us.
I’m struggling. His name is Justin but to me, he’s always been Gentle Justin and Jekyll Justin. How do I support Gentle Justin, who can be a good father and thoughtful partner, and sort of support the elimination of the hateful abusive irrational person he becomes when he’s had a bad day or he doesn’t understand something or he gets stressed?
I apologize for rambling. The kids have been sick and so has my husband so I am a tired mama!
I appreciate any advice you can provide or if you can point me to sites where I can learn how to handle this, I would be very grateful.
Thank you so much,
❤️
@GachaMom
This is a really good article that speaks about it from both angles (having BP and being in a relationship with someone with BP)... I hope you find it helpful: https://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/relationship-guide
I hope that you are able to connect with people on this site who have similar experiences. Having someone who knows exactly what it's like is so very supportive. Hang in there.
I am also a 40 something cis female with a bp partner and two kids. I feel your frustration. My partner hasn’t been in therapy or counseling for over 3 years and hasn’t had his meds adjusted in that time period either, despite many episodes of rapid cycling and several severe depressive episodes.
I am sorry to hear you are struggling. It’s hard. The walking on eggshells. The constant state of anxiety because you don’t know what will set them off. Never feel guilt for leaving to protect your children and yourself.
I've been encouraging therapy and a medication eval…have gone so far as to find insurance covered providers in our area (we’ve moved states since his last go around with therapy). At the end of the day, we cannot make them seek treatment.
i would love to hear how we can better support our bp partners and help them and our families navigate this twisty and turbulent road. I know it’s not easy for him, however, it does feel like the stress the partner experiences is minimized in comparison…
@SquishyBalloon888
Exodus to a Sanctum.
Nothing else happens before the above actions have been executed, and the boundaries of no physical or psychological content are exercised..
As a person with bipolar, I have extremely challenged my relationship. I am married 20 years now, but that is after 2 previous marriages. I am so grateful and thankful for the support of my husband. He was patient and caring, even when I was not acting in a receptive manner.
Having a supportive and understanding spouse is probably what saved my life. I was literally unaware of the anxiety and inconsistency I caused in my relationship and our family. The best way to describe it is that I felt that I was suppressing so much of what I had going on inside, that I was unaware of the "little" bit that showed and the extreme effect it had on others. Kind of like the iceburg example- Even though only a small amount of the iceberg is at the surface, it is still enough to sink the Titanic.
It came down to me almost destroying my relationship and family before I even realized it was that bad. I was eager to seek treatment on my own and even felt a little resentful that I had to seek it out on my own. But I later realized the impact I was having on my husband.
Communicating these thoughts and feelings are key to living in harmony. My husband is TERRIBLE at communicating, but I learned to say things and explain my thoughts and feelings without expecting reciprocity. Major things that impacted my recovery included:
SNAP
Sleep- getting enough sleep is IMPARATIVE ro recovery. Everyone is different, but 6 to 8 hours of sleep is non-negotiable for me. Also, a set time to get up and a set time to go to bed play a key role in staying consistent.
Nutrition- staying away from too much carbs, sugar and caffiene is important. These foods cause dips in serotonin, which in turn causes mood instability...even with meds.
Action- Staying active is a necessity. Not only does exercise help with energy and staying healthy, it increases our natural serotonin and encourages socialization. Isolation is a culprit in depression and lack of motivation, getting out keeps us feeling human and connected to society.
People- being around others keeps us from ruminating on ourselves and our thoughts and feelings. Even just being surrounded by "normal" people, watching from the sidelines helps to readjust our thinking. Of course, best case is sharing time with others, usually those that know and understand our struggles.
Of course medication is necessary for recovery. Even just to stabalize initially. I used to think meds were a life sentence, but as our body and hormones change, it's not always necessary to continue our original med regimen. Learning self awareness and med adjustments ( up and down) is a proponent in helping us realize we ARE in control of our wellness. Of course, there is a fine line here...nothing should be done without proper supervision and careful consideration. But having a partner who is willing to walk this with you is important. Learning about your spouse's meds and their side effects can be a huge support in determining our readiness to consider certain meds.
The bottom line is, the bipolar person has to WANT a change and be willing to work through it. It's not easy, even after all this has been done. Major consequences caused the light to turn on for me. It's an ongoing battle. Nothing is a cure.
@GachaMom Maybe have him make a 7cups members account, so they can chat 1-1 with a listener.
Also at 7cups, we have Group Support Rooms.
In those rooms members support other members, and some come looking for support.
Others come just to chill and relax.
The listeners and the Group Support Rooms are free of charge.
7cups also has therapists.
There is a charge for that.
The cost is 150USD per month.
I hope this helps you.