Mania: Drug-Use Manifestations in Bi-Polar Disorder (TW)
Dear Readers,
As so many of us who live with this disorder know, we often display uncharacteristic behaviors triggered by mood events. These are things we would never do during our periods of stability. There are many, however, for the sake of this discussion I would like to explore impulsive drug use associated with mania.
Due to the sensitive subject-matter of this topic- I will ask that you provider a trigger warning should one be warranted, and to remain kind and considerate with your word choice. The goal of this topic is to reduce shame and isolation associated with the impulsive behaviors that result from mood disorders.
Discussion Prompts:
Have you ever considered yourself an addict?
Have you ever experienced other-than recreational drug use at the height of a mood event?
What were the effects?
What were the consequences?
How do you feel about your personal history on this topic?
How do you work to cope with and reduce harmful behaviors in the future?
Thank you. Happy Story Telling!
@blitheSun94
While not exactly drugs, I had issues with alcohol for a long time. As in I spent a good portion of high school and the years afterwards in a bottle. I actually had it down to a science. Turn a 2litre of coke into four 600ml bottles... 1 of coke, the other 3 topped up with rum or rye. It started about the same time the bipolar started to rear it's head, and was my coping method for a long time.
As far as addicted? The last year or so of it, I was taking whiskey breaks in the employee parking lot instead of coffee breaks. Most nights I'd pound a beer down in the bedroom before climbing into bed to help me sleep.
Towards the end of my drinking, was also really the height of bipolar being noticeable looking back on it. I was awake and moving for days on end, running at 110% for a couple weeks and then either half-assing it or worse for a couple weeks as I swung back and forth. I was also desperate for sleep, and ended up smoking up and getting relaxed enough to sleep for a few hours (quite often in the first chair I'd find). That included some sketchy houses.
I more or less quit drinking at 24, after 8years in a bottle, when I had 2 close calls for drinking and driving. The first time I went from a payday thursday party at the bar, to a house (as usual), but then drove from the house to a restaurant, ate, and drove home... I have NO clue how I got from the house into the downtown and home without having an accident or finding a cop. The 2nd time I was driving a group between bars, and the reciepts in my wallet say I went to 3 more bars after I blacked out, and I remember driving home... again, somehow without an accident or cop.
Bound and determined there wouldn't be a 3rd time.
While my family doesn't know just how far down that rabbit hole I went (they just know that I more or less quit at 24), I've told a few people the truth. I managed to get out as a warning to others. There are still moments I'd love to have a long draw on a bottle of rum (usually high stress), but I have the control to not.
@Phoenix84
Wow! What a personal and relatable story. I deeply appreciate your sharings. I can relate completely. How did you quit drinking? How do you cope differently when you feel tempted? 
Thank you
@blitheSun94
I went from drinking 8-10 pints of beer in a night, to drinking 2-3 pint and then coke, to just drinking coke when out with friends over a couple months. The problem then became finding some way to shut my brain off without alcohol. I took up running again, after being in track from grade 5 through 12. Only took a couple months to get back up to speed, so to speak. I really had to be careful somewhat planning my route, or I'd keep on ending up taking the bus home when my legs finally said enough for today. I found that about 30min in, I'd be focused on just my breathing and putting one foot in front of the other... and keep that going for a couple hours.
Eventually I picked up meditation and was able to decrease the running, hitting that same point of just breathing about 15-20min in. I'd get the same feeling from an hour of meditation as an hour of running, without having to play in the weather.
I find that simply stopping to breathe, slipping into the edge of meditation for even 5min, helps with high stress moments or when someone does something that makes me want to reach out and touch. For example when I was in school last time, the guy in the booth next to me decided to use my reference steel as his reference, and put down hot steel without telling me... I grabbed it off to put mine on and burned the hell out of my finger tips. I ended up walking out of the shop for about 20min, AFTER I chewed him a new asshole loud enough for the rest of the class to stop working and listen (see: drill voice).
@Phoenix84
Thank you for your input. This is a great example of replacing harmful behaviors with healthy ones. I am not a runner myself, usually, but I do do a great deal of yoga and meditation for stress management. When I am in a manic phase, my social behaviors change most notably. So, rather than going out and about Houston late at night like I used to, I stay in and try to channel all of the thoughts and energy into something creative, namely writing.
Have you ever considered yourself an addict?
I do currently.
Have you ever experienced other-than recreational drug use at the height of a mood event?
Yes.
What were the effects?
I feel really excited for a little while, which beats feeling absolutely nothing.
What were the consequences?
I crash and dip into a deep depression unless there are more drugs.
How do you feel about your personal history on this topic?
I started using drugs around the same time I started experiencing the effects of bipolar disorder. It's only gotten worse from there, it's been eight years. I think the two are definitely connected. When I'm manic I almost never use anything.
How do you work to cope with and reduce harmful behaviors in the future?
I hope to learn cbt skills.
@Prismgirll
Self-medicating is extremely prevalent when mental health conditions are present. My heart goes out to you. I definitely understand the desire to feel anything other than what you are, or anything at all. I hope you have been able to practice some CBT skills and feel stronger. <3
Have you ever considered yourself an addict?
I am teetering on the edge of deciding if I am or not. I'm not sure, but it feels close.
Have you ever experienced other-than recreational drug use at the height of a mood event?
I have used recreational drugs, generally ones that mellow me out, and I'm not sure what you mean by "other than recreational drugs." Do you mean did I use those drugs more heavily than recreationally?
What were the effects?
I would feel better for awhile, but on occasion, I would experience a blowback from the after effects of the drugs. Usually, a depressed mood when I finally came completely down. And that was the point of escaping in the first place-- to avoid deression.
What were the consequences?
As I mentioned in the last question, sometimes I rebounded into depression a day or two after the drug use. During hypomanic episodes when I used drugs and alcohol as self medication, I rarely felt bad afterwards.
How do you feel about your personal history on this topic?
I am still coping with deciding how I feel about my self medicating behaviors.
My experiences with it started fairly late in my adulthood, but they're lingering way longer than I'd like.
How do you work to cope with and reduce harmful behaviors in the future?
I have no idea. Even my therapist isn't being that helpful on this front. I guess I should push her harder to help me figure this out.
@ladylazarus1971
I would agree, it should certainly be looked at more closely by your therapist. When I say "non-recreational" I am referring to addictive substances specifically.
@blitheSun94 Got it! I think all the things I have used have either been non-addictive (except the alcohol), and/or were only used super sporadically or once as an experiment.
Glad to see you back "home" in the Forums!
@ladylazarus1971
Awwwwe, thank you so much sweet-pea! Always appreciate your sharings.
Discussion Prompts Responses (TW)
Have you ever considered yourself an addict?
Yes, there was a time before my son was born where I was physically dependent on opioids. I am not proud of it as I certainly engaged in uncharacteristic behavior and experienced a pretty traumatizing and independent detox.
Have you ever experienced other-than recreational drug use at the height of a mood event?
Yes, I have engaged in binge drug use at the height of a mood event that simply would not have taken place had I been properly diagnosed and medicated at the time.
What were the effects?
Euphoria, Increased Socialization, Insomnia, the inevitable Come Down, Shame and Remorse.
What were the consequences?
Fortunately, I always had enough insight to protect my loved ones for the most part, however, this type of behavior nearly cost me my job and my life.
How do you feel about your personal history on this topic?
I feel that I have way more tools in the toolbox than I ever did before. I understand my years of addiction to be a flailing attempt to cope with trauma; a normal reaction to an abnormal experience. I feel similarly about self-harm and/or suicidal ideation - and that is I have achieved enough insight to understand those things are just no longer an option. I have forced myself to develop coping skills in their place. Even when I run out of air, I continue to push forward for those I love and will always do my best to spare them suffering.
How do you work to cope with and reduce harmful behaviors in the future?
Maturing accountability has made me aware that as a child and teen I had virtually zero healthy coping skills. During my last hospitalization I focused heavily on developing that skill set, along with instilling a sense of self-preservation which simply did not exist before. Helping others in similar circumstances helps me reduce self-harm in my own life, although I would be lying if I said the impulse never crosses my mind. I simply no longer act on it and instead choose to interrupt those impulses by way of more supportive interventions.
@blitheSun94
Have you ever considered yourself an addict?
Of course
Have you ever experienced other-than recreational drug use at the height of a mood event?
Yes I'm bipolar
What were the effects?
I overdosed and messed up my short term memory
What were the consequences?
Prison
How do you feel about your personal history on this topic?
I'm not to happy about it, but there needs to be more classes or groups and helpful tools to teach addicts ways to stay clean and sober
How do you work to cope with and reduce harmful behaviors in the future?
I remember what it did to me and won't ever go back to that life
@Amberc1985
Thank you for taking the time to reply and share your story. I am so glad you have been able to grow from a painful experience and develop the insight to never go back. Wishing you continued strength and peace.