newbie with no self worth, but diagnosed 10 years ago

Hey everyone,

Thanks for reading this, I have a strong belief in my head that nobody wants to help me, so yeah... Just hoping for the best here.

I've been diagnosed about 10 years ago with bipolar, had a psychosis due to mania, and have had 5-10 depressions in my life. It could be much worse I know, don't have rapid cycling, and have been relatively stable for quite some time.

I have a remote job, and have been able to provide for my wife and 2 kids for over 5 years now. Have emigrated to a nice warm place with them, and we're in the process of buying a property. I really feel I'm not allowed to complain.

However... I have been continuously busy with trying to stay stable, and have gone through some tough times.

I'm an introvert, big time, but also haven't had contact physically with a friend in more than 3 years. I have major anxiety issues, but am able to force myself to do what is necessary. My wife helps out a lot with things I find to scary to do. So we manage to get most things done.

My issue is that I don't really care about myself. Depression has never fully been resolved it feels. I have managed to get a good foundation in order to stop thoughts about life being futile. However I still have no idea why I'm worthwhile to have a good life. I feel like a horrible person with no reason really, and my wife is getting quite tired of me viewing myself that way.

Meanwhile my teeth are literally crumbling because of not having been to a dentist for several years and my sugar addiction. (On a positive note I have been able to quit smoking for 3 years now, don't smoke weed anymore, don't drink coffee, and barely drink alcohol; all of which I abused intensely)

Anyway, I can stop doing things that I do that destroy me. But I mostly do this because I'm in service to others and our planet. But if it were just me that I would have to look after, I probably would pick up all my addictions again and just wait to die...

I feel it's a slippery slope, I just have no idea what to do about it.

Before you start about CBT and EMDR, been there, tried that. Therapy brought me little. Probably because I needed a trauma to be addressed, and the 5 therapists that I've seen were just not able to do a lot for me.

By now, I also just don't have the money anymore for that to begin with. Even if I thought it would be beneficial. However I want to get a grip on this. I want to make the best of my life. I want to believe that I'm worth fighting for. I just don't know what to do in order to figure that out anymore.

Probably having some more contact with people would help, although I feel that intrinsically that won't change a lot. Somewhere I should just have this right? This feeling of self worth.

Anyway, that you read this far means a lot. Thank you. And if you have any tips I would really like to hear them :)