Emotional disregulation

I have something called emotional disregulation which is related to CPTST and because of that sometimes I really can’t control my emotions or anger and it became the biggest problem in my life specially the things which trigger it the most is when im in a relationship… im already searching for a cognitive therapist but all i got till now is having my name in many waiting lists for them..

i wrote a post in a group before explained the situation which happened between me and my bf and the problem im dealing with and asked what a reaction of normal person can be as i couldn’t really be rational and myself in that fight…

i got lots of messages blaming me that i just wanna make excuses and wanna run away from taking responsibility..that i need to go to therapist and its not my boyfriend’s fault that i can’t control myself and i need to grow up…

the fact that i can’t control my emotions and angers and the fact that sometimes i don’t have sny control on them is already make me like a monter and awful

after reading those messages i hate myself so much and think it would better to not having any contact with anyone.