How am I supposed to cope with this?

Im not diagnosed with any personality disorder but I have suspected that there might smth relating to tge personality disorders but thats not that important. I am scared of myself. Theres a part of me that evil amd manipulative and another Thats sweet and kind. I don’t rly know what to do. Im rly scared. I haven’t rly opened up to professionals abt it cuz I haven’t found the right one yet. It’s like part of me is a sadist while the other cares deeply. It’s tiring cuz the ppl that that part of me wants to harm is always the ppl i care abt the most. Im so tired of this 😭😭😭😭