How to cope with a mother who has narcissistic personality
I’m 35 F and have went through a lot of abuse. To make a long story short and to untrigger the audience- my mother has been in competition with everything I do. I’m her eldest child with another man. He doesn’t claim me and she just disowned me. She has recently inserted herself in a certain situation that is very difficult to process. I have gotten myself and my daughter therapy due to it and are still struggling to cope. While seeking this professional support, I have learned that my mother is emotionally immature and heard my therapist say that what I’ve experienced was narcissism. That it’s what my mother is. It’s good to put a label on things to make it less scary but going through the motions is very difficult. She recently tried to put untrue thoughts and ideas in both my children’s heads about me while I asked my mother to take them for a week or so to get used to my new overnight schedule. I had to contact my local PD to get my child from her. I feel very alone. I don’t have friends. My mother burned every bridge and close relationship I’ve ever had with family members. I don’t know what to do or how to cope with what I have going on. Help.
@Skywoman1987 Sorry about what you've been through and what you're going through, I can relate.
Is there any way you can have a period of no contact while you recoup your sanity?
I have been forced to do this before with my own mother. My eldest child had witnessed her assault me and it scared my daughter to see me in thag situation. I couldn’t hit my own mother so I didn’t fight back.. after that I decided that we would stay away from her for a while. This was years ago when my eldest was very young. At the time, I had a good supporting team of my ex boyfriends parents and him. We moved away from her and my ex boyfriend was very strong though it all with being so supportive. Unfortunately, we ended up parting ways years after that. Now to go No contact I feel again is a must. It hurts deeply. I really need my mom at this time. I’m scared through the situation I’m in. I’ve tried to talk about it on here one to one and I think I maybe scared the person away or maybe they didn’t know what to say. I’m knotted up with the painful feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go. I’m scared to tell the only person I have exactly how much I’m hurt. I honestly am sorry if you are in my situation. It feels like I’m unlovable and rejected from my family and the people around me. I’ve been told that I’m such a funny person and good to be around. I used to always be that friend and “sister” people I thought loved me would call when they needed someone or something. I was always loyal. I don’t understand what’s going on in this season of my life but I’ve never felt so low and hurt. I’ve embraced God. It’s all I need but to cope and earthly issues do not blow over so easy at times. I’ve only tried to please my mother but promised my daughter to be the mother I’ve always needed and wanted.
@Skywoman1987 sounds like you're doing an amazing job with your daughter. It's not easy getting out of that especially while you don't have a good support system around you. You can do this. It's not easy and things get super tough. But the longer you stay away the more you regain your own sanity.
You both deserve to be safe.
@Skywoman1987 also, it does take time. so have patients with yourself, how youre feeling and your current situation. I'm finding EMDR really healing when it comes to all the difficult and stuck feelings I have towards my mum. Maybe you'll find healing in that too.
What is EMDR? Thank you for sharing.
@Skywoman1987 it's a trauma therapy. I've tried many therapies over the years and they've all been helpful in one way or another but this one seems to be getting to the heart of the problem. It was very disturbing at first (so something to keep in mind if you ever consider it in the future) but I think it might help you should you ever have access to it
@Skywoman1987
Hi Sky! 😊 ❤️ Thank you for your forum post as this highly resonates with me. I commend you, as I can only imagine how much courage this took to write down your thoughts and feelings. You are not alone, you have us here on 7 cups! *holds your hand* ❤️
I am so very sorry that you have had to suffer and for so very long from the abuse from this woman's hand, mind, deeds, etc. People should never bring children into the world to make them a source of competition, the target of their abuse, to be their emotional punching bag and to do their very best at every twist and turn to undermine that child whether in their youth or as the adult child.
You have done nothing wrong! I have to wonder how badly this has hurt you over the years, possibly wondering what is wrong with you, questioning what it is that you might be doing wrong, why is that you are so unlovable? Perhaps jumping over hurdle after hurdle in an effort to please the unpleaseable?
You are not unlovable. ❤️ This was never about you. This has always been about them! This is all the Narcissist truly cares about, themselves, control and abusing others.
Based on the behavior that you have mentioned, I must say, your therapist seems to be spot on, quite knowledgeable as well as seems to have your best interest at heart. I'm so very glad that they were able to put a name and a label to the behavior in an effort for you to potentially learn more about NPD, tease some things apart and for you to know that it's not a you problem, it's a them problem at the very core. It is not you that is defective my sweet friend. ❤️
I am proud of you! ❤️ I'm so glad that you have finally found the courage to get away from this person. I can only imagine how hard this was for you to do. Isn't it interesting, how we at times, can suffer in silence for so many years, but then when those that we love are victimized as well by them (by being mentally and emotionally abused to become a pawn in their game) is when we find the courage?
Well done my friend for standing strong in the face of adversity! Well done for putting an end to all of this. Well done for protecting your child. You didn't deserve this and neither does your child.
I would see them as disinheriting you or writing you off, or whatever it is as a the true gift. Perhaps now you will find some peace and joy in your life. Your child will have the opportunity to possibly grow up and not be further damaged by this person. We all deserve a chance at life and thank you for stepping in and making sure your child has a good one!
Now that you are out of the way, they will have to find other victims. Perhaps those will be the nay sayers and ones that turned against you because of your mothers deplorable behavior. Karma knows everyone's address and perhaps these others will have to have the "lived experience" with them as well, to truly understand the level of devastation. I wouldn't overly focus on that either. What happens is what happens and luckily for you, you are out of it now, thank goodness! ❤️
I'm hoping with them out of the way now, you and your child can focus on healing. ❤️
I send to you *high fives* 😊 big big *hugs* ❤️ as well as beams of hope and love ❤️
It’s just the way my mother works and how much power she has over family. Today, I got a call from a detective saying she reported me for abuse. He quickly asked questions about the relationship with her and I offered to let him see and speak to my children. He talked to my eldest. He told me to stay away from her and if I have to speak with her to do it through a 3rd party. I’m trying to find the good in all of this and I can not. Maybe it’s not supposed to have a good or inner light and there isn’t much to work from this other than the distance from my mom. Which is not my wish. I really need her right now,
** clearing this up ** The detective stated to stay away from my mother
@Skywoman1987 I can empathize with your situation, my mother was unemotionally unable as a child and my father was the narc, refusing to get any type of help for his issues. Everything always felt like a competition in my household to the point of favoritism being clearly shown, I'm the oldest of 2, so I had to witness a lot of bitterness and toxicity. It's hard sometimes recognizing that family is not the same as it used to be.
I’ve went through life thinking this was just how my mom was as she has been a single life until she met my step dad. Thinking it would help take the pressure off of her with all she was dealing with in losing my grandparents who were like my parents. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that as well. I don’t understand how something so terrible is possible when situations are already messed up as it is. Realizing my family is not healthy from my mothers side is heart breaking. I’ve always had the need to want a family and be very close. Just isn’t in my cards with them. I owe my two daughters the world.
im sorry you went through that as well🥺, we will both rise 💪🏽