mental blockades

hello. i get bipolar cycles relatively frequently and every time these happen i get very overwhelmed with anxiety and the want to be 6 fr in the ground. it gets so overwhelming that i get extreme stress and breakdowns over altercations that never happened or at the slightest inconvenience. i am at a point now where i need someone to talk to that is not my girlfriend. i live in a house full of friends and find it really hard to mention that im not ok at all. when i lived with my parents i did the same thing ever since i was 13.

i find it really hard to let people in on what happens in my head. i hate the thought of having people worry about me or having people see me in that light. however, i need to talk to someone. its starting to get extremely bad again and i just feel really hopeless. it doesnt help knowing i will never escape this mental prison that bipolar has entrapped me in. i feel like i will never be as happy as i once was ever again.

the other part that is hard about this all is that my episodes almost always have me blame myself for stuff i didnt do, but my brain gaslights myself into telling me that it is my fault and that im the reason i have these thoughts and that i deserve them. then my head will always replay to “what is wrong with you” in a nasty condescending voice. by this time im usually 30 min into my hour long episodes with the feeling that im just hanging on by a thread.

how do i approach people and talk about it with them? everytime i attempt to i freeze up and cant say it. my girlfriend and i arent doing well rn so i dont want to talk to her about it either.

please help im in serious need of advice.