First Time in a Long Time

Disclaimer: I do not have Schizophrenia. I do, however, have schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type. It is not one, nor the other, alone. It is a combination of both. There is no schizoaffective tab, so I felt this forum to be the most applicable of the two.

Hi! I'm Rubix and I am new to all this. Talking to someone in person, in private, is very different than posting online. This scares me a bit, to be honest. Since being diagnosed, I've gone through *** and back over and over again, mentally and socially. It was exhausting thinking I caught a break in reality, just to realize much too late that I never left that rabbit hole. I spent so much time terrified of myself. Terrified of the world around me.

Somehow, whether it be god or something else, after years of regular torment, I was able to reclaim my conscious mind. Today, I still experience regular visual and auditory hallucinations. The difference now is I am able to decipher what is really there and what may not be. I have to constantly observe, compare and contrast, what I see or hear versus the rest of the environment. I have to ask myself things like, "Does that even make sense?", or "Is anyone else reacting to this?" This has turned me into the quiet person in the corner.. I used to be the life of the party.

I don't know why these things happen to people. I know they say that life isn't fair, but this.. this feels like a different kind of punishment. I don't even know what I did.

But hey, self-pity now aside, I am still here. My mental state is moderate and hopeful. I know I could have it worse, so I guess I'm reaching out to say thank you all. Sharers and Listeners, You are all helping in making this world a better place.

Thanks for Listening,

Rubix