Surprise schizoaffective

Hello

found out this or last week that ive been having a schizophrenic episode since last year basically. Its been wild. i am surprised. Very tired now and nervous.

waiting on an appointment next week. Wondering whether i should do inpatient

at the same time i am dealing with being broke and gay and now finding out that yes i an for sure a transguy so i guess i am not a lesbian or im pan or attracted to queer ppl or something and also religious dogmatism but also my mom cares about me and also dealing with tryna be a good friend and not being annoying and tryna not be in love with my friend who was part of the delusion and is still talking to me irl and yay erotomania fuck ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wtf

life

i dont know whats real or fake still from this past year

my cousin is supportive. Most of my family is but there’s a power dynamic issue.

i am lucky my mom is supporting me tho. i am loved. And she is listening to me even if she doesn’t like some of the stuff.

ppl ignore me a lot when i talk to or message them because im too much and overtext. I wish i didnt. They love me still. It is sad. I want to have conversations with people without overwhelming them. I need to spend more time alone with myself and parse things out and write. But i am already lonely and don’t spend time with anyone. And i have trouble with emotional regulation i think.

its a lot

ok bye