Doubtful expressions of my mind in a good body and soul

Hi just wanted to share my feelings in this message even though i want to feel accepted and to be reminded that are good people how wants the best for others I dont tend to speak my mind nor speak the truth where i live because it might get me hurt physically and well the thing is to doubt from good and bad The things that i want (to be loved,respected,and overall to have a good life) are seeing as bad thing for everybody that i know even my family and well to be honest i cant rely on them as to feel secured or loved and i just want to leave to never comeback but still i feel selfish of my own desicions and i start to wander in my head to doubt myself who i really am an to think that im not deserving of happiness and love that even if i make it out of here the persons that i hate they are going after me to make my life miserable...... and even if i think otherwise i start to talk to reaffirmed myself that im not here nor them but is like my voice it doesnt have value nor meaning and thats what i been dealing right now i havent been taking my medicine because i felt like a zombie (Alive bit not feeling emotion) and i wanted to have some experience with the medication and to see if i should return to it Thank you for hearing me :3