Skizoaffective

So I was diagnosed with skizoaffective, but I hope that someday someone can prove to me that what my psychiatrist said to me was wrong. But I can't lie to myself that I have experience extreme mood changing and hallucination. It already two years since I was diagnosed with skizoaffective and I also take medicine. It's help me especially with my hallucination, they are gone. But the medicine only can help me 40% with my depressive so whatever it comes, I sill have to face the remaining 60%. Actually I can handle the 60%, but it's still feel uncomfortable to me because I still think about commit suicide, but the amount 60% are not strong enough to make me do it. So I think I'm fine. My psychiatrist said that the medicine take time, but after 2 years taking it, I still feel the same. And I also uncomfortable talking to him because he always talk with high voice, it's not yelling but he's like angry to me, and sometime he said something that make me feel like the future can be more horible than now. But due to covid-19, I can't meet him because I go to another city and there's no psychiatist in my city, and it force me to live without medicine for about 2 month and when my depressive episode come, is worst, like 90% of it attack me. But the 90% still can't make me commit to suicide. I think its 100% when it can make me do something to end my life, I hope that never happen. And after 2 month struggling with depressive episode, my hallicination comeback.