Is my Boss being inappropriate??
I work for a *very *small company. For the last two years it’s just been the owner and I. Initially I was hired to answer phone calls and get sales, but business was so slow that he ended up giving me other tasks like billing and posting on social media. Things were going great. Whenever I got sick he’d let me work from home, when I got a flat tire he payed for a new one, he paid off my credit card, bought me a TV for Christmas and would give me little bonuses here and there whenever I was drowning in bills.
However lately it’s been bad. Im doing terrible mentally. Since October he started getting stressed and overwhelmed with the workload and takes it all out on me. It started off with him texting me 8-10 long paragraphs during and after work hours about how much he hates his life and job, how stressed he is and how little time he has to do anything. Then, he started doing it in person.
I have hours of audio recordings of him screaming and having absolute meltdowns, cussing and yelling things like “F*** THIS, F*** MY LIFE”. God forbid I make a mistake during these phases, I get scolded at so unprofessionally he reminds me of an abusive boyfriend I once had. I wake up and cry, I’m so anxious for how I might be treated once I get to work. When I get home my mind just replays all of the screaming, when I go to sleep I continue to have dreams about me just sitting there and listening to his tantrums. It’s so mentally draining to have to sit and involuntarily be this man’s therapist. The panicking and shaking that happens while he’s screaming exhausts me so much that I started going to sleep at 7 or 8 pm.
On top of all of this, he talks about very inappropriate and sexual topics. He’s never made any comments towards me but he likes to talk about str*p clubs, OF and things of that nature. He only knows how to refer to women as b*tches and says terribly misogynistic things right in front of me.
I don’t have a degree in marketing or graphic design so I don’t know what he expects from me, but scolds me in very passive aggressive ways. Today he didn’t even greet me, he stomped in and immediately said “we need to get the social media going, unfortunately pictures of cars don’t get us sales” in the most aggressive tone ever. He will go on for hours about how awful the ads I make are and insists on having them be completely AI (ha let’s see how that works out for him). It’s absolutely degrading to be spoken to that way. I’m all for constructive criticism but do you really need to go on 30 minute rants about a certain 3 second clip I included? (He didn’t like how the installer was wiping the windshield). Nothing I ever do is right or can be accepted. He will sit and make me do tiny tweaks and redos all day then yell at me for taking all day!!!!!!!
The issue is, there’s no HR for me to report this to since it’s a small company. There’s no supervisor or boss above him. I don’t know if I’m able to report his unprofessional behavior to something like the civil rights department because basic unprofessionalism doesn’t “count”. I do have an audio recording of him today saying that people who speak Spanish are *** and mocking them so making I can get him for discrimination??
Let me know what you think ☹️
@chuusupremacy
Hi chuu,
This sounds like an incredibly toxic and emotionally draining situation, and I am so sorry you are going through this. As a friend, I’m going to be direct:
Yes, your boss is being absolutely inappropriate and this is a hostile work environment.
No amount of previous kindness (paying for tires, Christmas gifts) justifies abuse, degradation, or making you feel unsafe. You are not his therapist, and you are not a punching bag.
I have some thoughts based on the legal realities of a tiny company with no HR. Even though this might read as advice or direction, please know it is ideas and of course you are the decision maker of what you will do with your life. However here are ideas --- a possible escape plan, if you will.
Please know that this is abuse. Screaming, cursing, and making you cry is verbal abuse, not "constructive criticism".
What your boss is doing is illegal. While simply being a jerk isn't illegal, a pattern of sexualized talk (OF, strip clubs) and misogynistic slurs (calling women b*tches) is illegal sexual harassment and discrimination.
Your recording is crucial. That recording of him mocking people based on race/national origin is a huge piece of evidence for a discrimination complaint.
Here are some ideas (a brainstorm, if you will) of an immediate action plan. The reality is that you are waking up crying and having nightmares. This is causing you severe mental harm. Your priority is to get out.
Please, stop being the therapist. When he starts texting or talking about his life, keep your answers strictly professional and short. Do not engage. Read about grey rock responses, neutral, flat.
Secure evidence. Keep those recordings safe (email them to a personal account, put them on a thumb or hard drive). Start a "diary" documenting the dates, times, and what he said during the 30-minute rants.
Here are some legal and reporting options since you don’t have HR. I am guessing you’re in the US. This information may also apply to some other countries, though the names of the agencies would vary.
Because he is making misogynistic comments and using discriminatory slurs, you can file a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). In many states, this covers companies with only one or two employees. This is relevant if you are in the USA.
Contact the Civil Rights Department. You mentioned this—do it. Your state’s Department of Fair Employment and Housing (or equivalent) can help.
Consult an Employment Lawyer. Many offer free, confidential consultations. They can tell you exactly how to handle this in your specific state.
I will share some possible ideas of what to say to him if and when you feel safe.
If you are comfortable doing so and if you feel it would be safe to do so, write a formal email so it is in writing (not just in person): "I want to do a good job, but I cannot be spoken to with profanity or yelled at. I need a professional, respectful environment to work." If he screams at you for saying this, that is more evidence.
Start Looking for a New Job.
Honestly? He has shown you who he is. People like this rarely change, especially when they have all the power in a small business. Your health is worth more than this job.
You deserve to work somewhere where you are respected.
Love and Courage,
Cal♡🌹
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply! Your reply was very helpful and I will be taking action ð«¶
@chuusupremacy
I wish you all the best! ♡
@chuusupremacy
Absolutely I agree with everything calm rosebud has says, he is one million percent wrong and you don't deserve any of this 🩷
Thank you Amanda!! I really needed validation that I wasn’t being sensitive 😣
@chuusupremacy
Absolutely not, you aren't 🩷