Struggling with my relationship and emotions
Hey, so this is my first time doing a thread and one of the people I spoke to on this app told me to do a post about my situation. I’m really struggling with stuff right now. I think I might have BPD or something like that. my emotions get crazy intense and I get scared people will leave me. Like with my boyfriend, I get so upset when he cancels plans or when he does stuff that makes me feel ignored.
The other day, he said he didn’t want to see me because he was too tired and it was hot, but then I found out he was out at the pub with his mates. That really hurt because he knows I hate the pub. It made me feel like he doesn’t care, and I ended up getting really distant and mad at him.
I know I push him away sometimes because I’m scared, but I don’t want to keep doing that. I’m trying to be honest with him and explain that sometimes when I ‘split’ or get overwhelmed, it’s not about him. it’s about how my brain reacts. I called him earlier to talk about it and explain to him how I feel but he kinda just shut down on me and went silent. I have other problems going on in the background, like family problems, college and I’ve lost contact with all of my friends as I’ve been homeschooled for 2 years and I’ve been dealing with a lot of things.
It’s just so hard to deal with and I don’t really know how to make it better. Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you manage it?
He called me last night and said that dating me is difficult, and that over time he’s just gotten used to me splitting or being emotional like it became normal to him. I even tried to break up with him on the call but I ended up crying and he told me it’s okay, that we’ll work through it. He said he still loves me. But before that, he also said he doesn’t know if he’s losing interest. like he said “I don’t think I am” and “I don’t know.” And that’s been stuck in my head all night.
He also told me that sometimes I get upset for no reason and I don’t let him talk or explain, like I just shut him down. And with the pub. he says he doesn’t drink or do anything bad, that it’s just where he meets his older mates and that he can’t exactly say “my girlfriend said I’m not allowed.” I get that, but at the same time it still hurts when he chooses it over seeing me.
I don’t think it’s fair for him to deal with all of this, but at the same time I can’t let go. I want it to be him, even if it’s breaking me a bit.