Alone
My parents were very dry with me, never connected with them emotionally, they betrayed my trust many times. I’ve been in 9 different schools, so I never really had anyone to talk to about anything, I always took matters into my own hands, it feels so lonely, I feel so alone . I crave emotional connection but I fear being hurt like my parents hurt me. I’ve been in relationships before and it hurt a lot when it ended. I ALWAYS act like I don’t care about anything because I’ve numbed how I feel, but deep deep down it’s a black dark deep heavy void of pure loneliness, I can’t reach my feelings and express them anymore, I feel them deep down but I can’t grasp them, I know it’s a silly analogy but if feels like an ingrown hair, you can’t reach its but you know it’s there. Anyways, I need someone to be there for me, but I can’t find anyone. And it’s crazy because the only reason I can’t find anyone is because I tend to end a talking stages in fear of getting hurt, I’m stuck on a loophole. Everyone I know has a partner, or someone close to them to open up, I have nothing. Idk what to do, you’d think that I’d me used to being lonely since I’ve been alone my whole life, (even in my relationship I never opened up) but I haven’t, loneliness is something I’ll never get used to. this is the most I’ve ever opened up. Sometimes o ask myself, what am I fighting for, I have no one to fight for.
It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time, trying to reconcile your past with current challenges processing feelings. It's totally valid to struggle with this given your past. I saw your other post, as well, and I understand that you are feeling caught between being overwhelmed by emotions and the habit of responding to emotions with numbness.
Since loneliness is something especially on your mind right now (or when you posted this a few days ago), I am sharing a link to the loneliness guide here on 7 Cups. It might provide some tangibile steps for you to work with.
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