Becoming okay with yourself on holidays

Becoming okay with yourself on holidays

(This is kind of a bummer post with a question at the end) 

Preface: I am 19 years old, I am in community college, and I am neurodivergent.

Tonight is Halloween night, a very fun and festive holiday where you dress up and do the whole Halloween thing.

Tonight is also a sad night for me, as I am sitting alone in an apartment I cannot afford as my couple friends are all out partying with their other friends. Halloween is a big night for gen z, as it's always been a big deal to go do something with other people.

Obviously, that hurts. It hurts to be alone, especially on a holiday. Tonight my parents called me from a party they are at to tell me they love me. I was on the verge of crying the entire phone call. 

I knew Halloween was coming up. I knew this was the first year in a couple where I was going to be completely alone. I told myself and my friends that I am just not a big Halloween person, that this holiday doesn't really interest me. This was a lie, a lie I told myself and other people to make myself feel better for the incoming doom.

All I've done so far tonight is play video games, and make a feeble attempt to do some light homework (which I have plenty of) Being this non-productive only adds to my sadness. 

I didn't want to force my couple friends to invite me to their Halloween function, I didn't want to show them I was desperate. I also didn't want to risk weakening the ties I still have. I also didn't want to lean on my parents to make me feel better. I feel like I'm getting too old to run to them when I need my emotions fixed. 

To feel better, I decided to listen to some sad music in the shower with the lights turned off.

So I went into the bathroom to turn on the shower.

As the shower heated, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked tired, sad. My mouth slacking downward to display my discontent. I hate how I look.

I wondered how I could turn this night around. Maybe drive around and look for fun. Maybe go to bed. Maybe accept my loneliness.

The words of self help books, past therapists, and motivational posters danced in my head. 

"You can control your own world, you don't have to be sad!"

"You are lazy and alone, you did this to yourself."

"It doesn't do you any good to hold these negative feelings."

What does it mean to grow up in these types of situations?

That's the question I ended with.

It's something I want to hear from you all. I'm sure a lot of you adults have experienced being alone when it seems everyone else is together. How do you all fix, or don't fix the situation?

Thank you all for reading.