Can’t Pull Myself Out

I have been depressed for most of my life. It’s something that I have dealt with since I was I a teenager (now 28). It’s something I manage with meds, self awareness and coping skills. But currently I am falling deeper into a depression that is causing passive but serious thoughts. I don’t actively want these thoughts but I can’t control them. Usually I am able to pull myself out of this state, but I right now I feel like I can’t.

Ive had some major changes in my life recently, and though they aren’t bad changes, it’s been a lot of stress on me. I am married to my wife B and she got into grad school. We recently moved from Nebraska to Illinois for this. It started out as a great change. I’m comfortable where we’re at as it’s not much different from where we were in Nebraska but it’s still the first time I’ve ever lived outside of Nebraska. So stressor one.

Stressor two. I am not the sole provider of our household while she goes through school and I don’t make a whole lot for one person, let alone for two. So financially, we are managing based off loans and about $2000 of paycheck a month.

Stressor three. Moving here, socially has been a lot. The only person I talk to in person is my wife for the most part. We’re in a grad school town, so everyone is a student and no one has time for extra curricular activities. I’ve met some of B’s classmates and I find myself in much brighter spirits when I am around other people and can hold an in person conversation. I’ve tried the bumble friends app but it hasn’t really panned out well.

Stressor four. My job. I recently got a promotion that I start next week. This will help a bit with the money issues but even though good, this change is still new and uncertain. On top of that, where I work has been in the news a lot lately and it’s been very stressful for me to like my job and answer the question “where do you work?” I do like my job and the people I work with but with outside factors it’s really hard to like it, especially when I am experiencing the same issues as to why this place has been in the news.

I just really needed to get all these out and ask what can I do to help reduce the stress, to get my depression back under control and to quiet these thoughts I really don’t want to have or do.