Depressed forever
I've been experiencing depression of varying severities for 15 years now. Therapy never works out for me. I'm a people-pleaser due to emotional and physical abuse as a child/teen, so I only ever want to portray myself as a stable, happy human. Unfortunately, this is true in therapy as well and by the 3rd or 4th visit, I'm just asking myself why I'm wasting my time and money.
When I'm medicated, life is tolerable, but I recently moved about 2 hours away and my doctor immediately withdrew my prescription when I cancelled my check up. I just got new insurance so hopefully I'll be medicated again soon.
I'm just feeling doomed to feel this miserable forever. Everything good in my life just feels wrong.. I feel undeserving of happiness, love, friendships. My husband is my best friend and my biggest supporter, but I feel like I'm just a stain on his beautiful character. He's such a good person and all I do is burden him with my unrelenting depression.
I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like this is just how life is meant to be forever. My mind never shuts up for a single second.
@plumDrum6386 I'm so sorry this has been such an ongoing struggle. It must feel very overwhelming at times. How do you keep moving forward each day with these difficult feelings? I hear your strength in sharing this and trusting that opening up is the first step towards feeling seen and supported.
Frankly, I feel like I barely get by most days... I have breakdowns often. Sometimes the sheer thought of something will snap me into hysterics.
I work from home, while my husband commutes over an hour each way. He's gone from 8:30am until 8pm every weekday. I feel alone most days. I have my dog with me though - he definitely helps.
I'm not suicidal, but I do have thoughts like 'everyone would be much happier if I weren't here.' I really wish I had just never been born so I wouldn't have to experience life like this. The only thing really keeping me going, is knowing the pain my husband would feel if I weren't here.
Hi Plum. I have been dealing with depression for over 20 years. My last battle was about 5 months ago and it hit me pretty hard so I decided to see a psychologist for the first time in about 7 years. It helped me a lot. He discussed how anxiety and depression actually work and he also suggested for me to read 2 books. The 10 Best Ever Anxiety Management Techniques and Feeling Good. They discuss not only coping skills but talk about how the brain works in regards to anxiety and depression. I really liked the books and I am still reading them. I am not a huge fitness guy but for the last 5 months or so I take a walk in my hilly neighborhood and I also jog a little bit to get my heart rate up. This helps me tremendously. I usually do it on my lunch break because I work close to home. I am also on an anti depressant which is 20 mg of Lexapro and when I go through my anxiety/depression episodes I will take Klonopin. There is hope and you will be ok. Trust me.
Hi @CDK1972
Thanks for taking the time to read and reach out. I have been spending a lot of time reading various forums and articles about depression and anxiety, but never thought to delve into books... as silly as that sounds. I am currently looking into your recommendations.
Something that's genuinely helped, especially in the last few days where it's been really bad, is just knowing there are other people navigating similar feelings. Sometimes, it feels like the whole world is moving forward without you, but, what people show outwardly isn't always a clear view of the inside. I should know that, being the people-pleaser I am.
Hoping to be back on the meds soon. I was also on Lexapro and it was working well. I have set up an appointment with a new doctor, but it's a few weeks away. Thanks again for the support and wishing you the best.
@plumDrum6386 Anytime. I love sharing my story. Just to let everyone know they aren’t alone. Keep me posted on the books and you can chat with me anytime
Sending strength and peace. It can be really hard when you don't have meds especially. Hopefully they will bring things back into balance for you soon.
Take it a step at a time and come back here often for support. There is no need to please anyone here. We all understand what you are going through. @plumDrum6386
