plumDrum6386 Member Profile

What Can I Say?

Family & Caregivers / by plumDrum6386

June 17th, 2024

...See more Hi everyone. Quick background: I went no contact with my parents and brother in January, after about a year of low contact, and 30 years of emotional abuse and manipulation. Since January, I have only "heard" from my parents once in the form of an invitation to my sister in laws baby shower. This invite triggered a complete breakdown. I cried, threw the invite away, and moved on with my life. Anyway, the reason I'm posting now is because in about a month, I'll be attending my cousin's wedding. It's a long flight away, and since my brother and his wife are expecting a baby soon, they won't be attending (which is great for me). My mother also won't be attending (woohoo!) because of the impending grandchild, however, another cousin whom I'm very close with said my father is planning to go. My father is an enabler who allowed my mother to treat me like crap all my life. He can and has admitted to me that I was treated differently from my older brother since the very beginning, but ultimately expected me to just accept it. He's basically terrified of my narcisstic mother and would never say anything negative or even remotely critical to her. I've basically decided that I'll just ignore him at the wedding. My main concern is everyone else... I grew up pretty close to my cousins and a lot of them will be attending this wedding as well. Since it's basically a destination wedding, there will be numerous opportunities for down-time, and they are all well-aware of the rift between me and my parents, though they don't know all the details. I worry that since I wasn't at my own SIL's baby shower, for my brother's first child no less, their questions will be fresh on their minds. What can I say to them?? I definitely don't want to talk about my abusive parents, but I also don't want to come across as super defensive when I know they dont understand... I'm ready to move past it - that's what going no contact is all about. I don't want every encounter with my extended family to be a reminder of abuse. Any advice would be appreciated. I'd love to hear from anyone who can relate or even someone who is maybe not I'm position at all. What could I say to you if you were my family? I want to show them I'm doing better than ever without having to explain why or making everyone uncomfortable.

Going No Contact (The Golden Child)

Family & Caregivers / by plumDrum6386

March 14th, 2024

...See more Hi everyone. A little over a month ago I posted here about "Going No Contact with My Parents." I wanted to do a little follow up and discuss my situation in a little more detail. Firstly, I didn't just go NC with my parents. I also went NC with my only sibling, my older brother. I had known my entire life that he was the "golden child" in our family dynamic, and I spent most of my life trying to be him in an attempt to receive the same love and pride and acknowledgement from our parents. He joined a club, I joined the club. He played an instrument, I played an instrument. He liked a show, I liked the show. It wasn't until recently that I realized that the golden child is not much different from the scapegoat in situations like this. The parents are the ones who put unnecessary pressure on their children, and it isn't the child's fault how the parent reacts. And the parent's reaction in this case is only negative, even if, from my perspective, it looked like my golden child brother received all the positive attention. I now realize that my GC brother was as manipulated as I was. He still is, unfortunately. He was brainwashed to believe he was the "heir" of the family. Held to a standard of unreachable proportions. He was basically given the life he is currently living from the moment of his birth. He was named after my father who was named after his father, and he was told he would work for the same family business that was started by my grandfather and taken over by my father. They made it seem like this was the greatest achievement anyone could be offered, and I always thought "but what about me?" But in high school, my brother was a leader in multiple groups. He had dreams and goals. He received a scholarship to a great university close to home where he earned a degree in business which he never needed because he would have landed in the same place he is today regardless of education. My parents kept us confined in a small world. If they allowed us to discover new things, or seek opportunities outside of their strict guidelines, we would have been made to feel guilty, or, in my case, grounded/punished/had things taken away for extended periods of time. I know this feeling well. By my sophomore year in high school I was fully depressed for reasons I couldn't understand at the time. By senior year, I had given up on every extra-curricular activity. Having spent 17 years trying to be my brother, I didn't know who I was. Even after high school, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I worked for the family business because it was all I knew. Depression lingered. I moved away to go to school, thinking I needed to just get away, but ultimately became more depressed because I had never known a life outside of my family and I moved back home and back to the business. I even tried to put all my effort into it, but nothing I did was acknowledged, certainly not monetarily. Often, I would have to go to my brother and tell him my ideas just to get my father to hear them through him. Eventually, I became so depressed and frustrated still living in my brother's shadow, at the business he was bequeathed from birth, I quit in a rage and never looked back. Frankly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. It enabled me to find a new job and learn what it was like to work in a corporate setting. I made almost double the money I was making for my family. I met new people who had jobs I didn't know existed, who lived lives that felt so much bigger than mine. It was such an eye-opening experience. Today, my brother has one of the most inflated egos of anyone I have ever met. He is as narcissistic as my mother and is enabled by my father. He puts everyone down as a means of bringing himself up. The best people we know, close friends, family members, no one is safe from his scrutiny, as though he is the image of perfection. It took a while before I realized, I was not safe from it either. I hope one day he frees himself from his misery... maybe after our parents have passed, and he is alone, but I will not be holding my breath. He has not attempted to reach out to me in some time and I know that is because he's already manifested his own story in his mind, one that fits his narrative and helps him sleep at night. Since making the decision to go no contact, I feel I have grown daily. I find myself giving more attention to my husband, to our home, to our future plans. I think about my parents and my brother every single day, but I have no regrets. My extended family has not abandoned me, though I haven't been open about my decision with them. When the time is right, I will tell them with honesty and confidence because I know now that how I felt was the product of emotional abuse and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. To compare it to torture feels a bit extreme, but imagine being brainwashed and manipulated for years, being forced to live in a small world and told you don't need anything more, that you shouldn't want anything more... and finally breaking free (in your 30's no less). You feel this immense wave wash over you. It's like my eyes have been opened for the first time. I am learning about who I am and loving myself for the first time. If you've made it this far, I just want to say thank you for reading. I think it's important to note that every person on this site, and beyond, is dealing with their own, very nuanced situation. My situation is my own experience, and while you may be experiencing something similar, it is far different from mine. I hope to offer a glimpse of those differences by sharing these small details. And while I share my story, know that it's only a small percentage of the full picture. I hope this finds the people who need it most. You're not alone 💗

Going No Contact with My Parents

Family & Caregivers / by plumDrum6386

June 17th, 2024

...See more Hi everyone. Despite the title implying some pretty heavy decisions, I am happier than I have been in FIFTEEN YEARS. I am 31 yo and have had some crazy familial drama in the past 3 years that opened up a ton of old wounds regarding emotional and physical abuse as a child. One year ago, I told my parents I needed time away from them, but in hindsight, I realize this was time I was allowing them to reflect on the situation. Come late October, they reached out to me and asked to speak and I naively thought "maybe this is their apology." I was wrong. Instead, they wanted to know what was wrong, as though I hadn't explained it a million times before. The conversation ended poorly and I told them "I want an apology or I want you out of my life." The next week, my mom called and cheerfully asked me to come to Thanksgiving. This is her thing: she acts like nothing is wrong (like I'll just get over 30 years of abuse) and then acts all offended when I tell her no... I'm not spending Thanksgiving with you. Then my dad texts me asking me to watch their dog while they go on vacation. I almost just gave in because the dog is the only empathetic creature in their home, but I said no. He reached out to me two more times to ask me to watch the dog, telling me if I don't do it, they'll have to cancel their trip and they can't get their money back... like it's my fault. (They love to guilt me into things) I stood my ground. NO. I asked for an apology explicitly and they not only blatantly ignored it, they had the audacity to ask me to do them a favor!! Then my dad starts sending me photos of him and I when I was a child, smiling as I sat in his lap. He took a picture of a card I gave him where I had written "I'll always love you." Clear and obvious manipulation. I've been in the habit of googling these situations and found that this isn't so rare. One person explained that manipulators do this because they are reminded of a time when I couldn't fight back and that made a lot of sense to me. At 31, I'm done fighting back. They don't deserve it. I'm learning to love myself for the first time ever. I'm done worrying about what they think of me. I'm done trying to make them change when they are incapable of understanding. I feel freer and happier than I have since I was a teenager. I'm only writing this because I hope it helps anyone else who might be in a similar situation. Know that letting go is the first step to being a happier, more whole YOU.

Depressed forever

Depression Support / by plumDrum6386

July 15th, 2023

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