Dissociation
Dissociation is slowly ruining me
I'm finding it increasingly harder to stay focused and get tasks done. I have no desire to do anything that is on my plate. This has also caused my plate to just get fuller and fuller and now I have so much stuff to do. I still have zero desire to do it. I try to start something and my lose focus almost instantly. My attention span is so bad lately. I can't even enjoy a TV show anymore. I just dissociate and watch my cat play or stare at the wall instead. I end up rewinding more than I watch. Sometimes it feels like my mind's just broken. My vision is dark and blurry a lot of the time. I go through the motions of cleaning the house to make it "look good" but that's about all I get done.
Caffeine does nothing but make me tired. Eating protein has helped me gain energy but some days I feel like I can't eat/drink so that doesn't always help me. I have timers on my apps so I don't doom scroll all day but once the time runs out I just want to stare at the wall and do nothing anyways. So I don't know what I can change to stop the constant dissociation. I can't afford therapy right now, I know most people will suggest it though.
I feel like it's just infiltrating further into my life. I can't even have conversations without spacing out in the middle. And these are people I care about immensely. I have to ask them to repeat themselves over and over. I end up just feeling like an idiot or rude. I feel isolated by myself most of the time since I work from home and have an opposite schedule from my fiance and I have no close friends. Most the time. I just wish I could sleep all day to escape but my body doesn't let me sleep more than 6 hours. I feel like I'm trapped in my own personal ***, even though I'm very happy with the life I have right now. It's very conflicting and I don't understand why I can't shake this blurry fuzzy dissociating feeling.
Thank you. If you've read this far, I hope you are well. <3
@StarryGirl2238 You can't afford therapy, but have you gone for a medical check up just to make sure nothing is physically wrong with you? And you don't sound like you're having the best life right now- you sound very lonely and isolated. Have you talked about this with your fiance? You don't have close friends, but what about family? You have a cat. You seem to be able to focus on the cat. Maybe you could spend time at a shelter? Volunteer to help cats? It might help, even though I know it might be too much for you right now. Try to think about your values and what you find meaningful in life- if you can't think of any now, what about in the past? My suggestion is to at least try FEELING to ground yourself- sniff perfumes, rub on lotion, take an icy or hot shower, scrub yourself, lay in the sun, step out into the cold just to feel it, eat spicy food, eat mints, snap a band around your wrist, try breathing at different rates, make noises with your mouth, just reach out and touch things for the sensation. You are here and you are alive- once you dig back into that sensation, you'll be able to take more steps, but one step at a time.