Even the school therapist is a coward
At work, no one wants to talk about mental health. Mental illness doesn't exist in professional settings- it's always about being physically ill and that's all that's understood. So, I speak their language. When I'm too exhausted to go to work after an evening of intense suicidal turmoil, I have the stomach bug. When I was crying because of traumatic memories and pulling my coat over my head, I was just taking a nap because I was 'tired'. The school therapist saw all this, saw all the signs, and just accepted what I said because it made her life easier. *** everyone.
And on the days I'm late because I had motivation to get out of bed, I had car trouble. On the days I stayed at work until insane hours hecause I knew I would harm myself if I went home, I was just very motivated.
I smile and smile while I am exhausted and there are self harm scars under my sleeves and everyone is also smiling and it is killing me.
I hate all this ***. I don't know if anyone else is dealing with this at their work place?
@determinedSea4370 I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, and it sounds like you’re carrying so much weight that no one seems to notice. It’s exhausting to pretend like everything’s fine when you're struggling, and it's even harder when you feel like the people around you aren't acknowledging what you're going through. It’s incredibly painful to feel isolated in your experience, especially when you're just trying to survive. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to navigate this while dealing with work and the expectations others have for you. You deserve to be seen and heard for who you really are. If you feel like talking more about it, I’m here to listen.
@313ali Thank you for the reply, I do appreciate it. Work is just the weirdest realm of a good dream when I'm actively teaching with kids in the room and a nightmare when the kids leave and I have nothing to distract myself from myself again. It's good to know at least I can be honest on this site and that people like you can listen a little. It's nice to get this off my chest. It's just weird at work too because I feel like I'm the only one with severe mental problems and even if I did open up, my coworkers wouldn't understand just like my parents and friends don't understand.
@determinedSea4370 I hear you, and I’m really glad you feel like you can be honest here. That means a lot. It sounds like teaching gives you a sense of purpose and distraction, but once the room is empty, everything just floods back in. That’s such a heavy thing to carry on your own, especially when you feel like no one around you would truly understand. I can’t imagine how frustrating and isolating that must feel. But you’re not alone in this, there are people who do get it, even if they aren’t in your immediate space. And even if your coworkers or others in your life don’t understand, that doesn’t mean your experiences aren’t real or valid. You deserve support just as much as anyone else.
@313ali That's exactly it, thank you.
I have bipolar. When I feel like my condition and I are in a MMA rung and it's mopping the floor with me, I have a mental mantra that I use. Maybe It can help to make what you are going through at least one marginally speck less shifty. It's "wait for the wheel". There is a parable. Life is a giant wheel and everyone is tied to it. Sometimes it lifts you up so high it's like you can see heaven. Other times it slams your face in the mud and you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. So when my face is in the mud and the weight of the world is on my shoulders I remind myself to wait for the wheel. Hope this helps. I have another similar thing I use to help give me strength in dealing with my *** if you ever want to hear it.
@hardworkingAvocado7065 Thank you for the reply, I appreciate the advice. I just feel like my wheel is rolling in a ditch and the best I can hope for is to reach ground-level again rather than heaven lol but that's just me being melodramatic. I'm only now crawling out of a 4 day slump of taking not care of myself, but like your mantra, the worst of it feels like it could be over and maybe today can be a better day. I would love to hear that other thing you mentioned at the end of your reply.
So my other is when if thinking about or feeling like a want to kick my air addiction. I happen to be a curious personality. I joke tend to "Curiosity is a maddening thing, is it not?" Loke I'm talking to someone else but in reality I'm talking to myself. So the mental mantra I use is "I can't promise that there will be better days, but if you're not there, you'll never find out".
Could also try making a list on whatever media that works for you. Topic of the list "Reasons to live" and to help inspire that practice daily gratitude exercise and during these exercises find some to add to the Reasons to live list.
If you look at what I'm telling another way I am learning the way my 🧠 works and building tools to use as coping mechanisms. They don't all need to be built from scratch. are Are there apps that you could use differently than there stated purpose? For example the list of reason to live. Could I find an app that does list? I know there are grocery list apps. Could there be one that can to multiple lists? Why ask myself this question? So I can think outside the box to set up tools not being build from scratch. (Showing you my thought process to try and help you build your own) Anyway. Where was I. Oh right grocery list with multiple lists function. And make list for multiple thing you think would or could help as survival tool or coping mechanisms. For example this encyclopedia length of how my 🧠 works, it may help you. (And I sincerely hope it does) it also helps me to look at my thought process and ask myself what other things could it be used for? (Thinking outside of the box) . If I remember correctly, you are a teacher so I may be telling nothing you didn't already know. Most of this is I'm in a hypomanic state right now as I'm writing this and I'm kind of stuck with this way of thinking. And I'm writing stuff down so I can look at it later when I'm in a "normal state" to combat the side effect that is common in both depression and bipolar. It's called state dependent memory. Learn something in one state can't remember it in the next. Please let me know if you find any of this helpful. Maybe I could copy and paste some of it to help write an ebook "Building survival tools to combat you mental illness condition" Sorry for the rambling. Anyways hope this helps and thank you for coming to my TED talk.
@determinedSea4370
I'm so sorry that you aren't able to find a sense of community at work. I wish that there were resources for you when you are dealing with traumatic thoughts. I hope that there are better days for you and that you can find some form of relief.
