Feeling defeated..
Today is another day and I’m not sure what to do with myself anymore. I hate to keep venting on here, but this is the only place I can do it.
My husband is on my a.. again. Days will go by where we are perfectly fine, then the next day..BOOM! There he is yelling at me again. He is not appreciative of anything I do, at least that is the way I see it. I do 100% of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, making sure bills are paid on time, and making all of our appointments. Not sure why none of it is good enough.
I can tell I’ve changed. I am not myself anymore. I haven’t been for a long time. I’m pretty sure it is because what he has put me through during the years. I’ve been very emotional lately, and I am sure this is one of the reasons. I’ve stuck by him through a lot of b.s. that he has done as well. He has put me through ***. And I guess I am really stupid because I stayed when I should have left. I should have left long ago.
My husband acts like his toxic a.. parents. They are not the best people. His mom hates me… I’m almost 100% sure of that. I can’t get into full details, but there was an incident that happened a few years back that another person did, and his mom put the blame on me for it. I had nothing to do with it, but she automatically pointed fingers at me, because that is what she likes to do. She, nor his dad treats him right. It’s been like this since he was little. They don’t even rarely acknowledge our kids. My one asks me why and I just explain the grandparents are the ones who have the issues, not my child.
I feel so stupid. This marriage/relationship is all I have known for almost my full life. How do I just leave and forget all about it? How do I start over? That is one thing I would never be able to do because I don’t trust anyone any more. Any person that I get with will be judged based on my husband and my past relationships. I have never had a relationship where my partner didn’t cheat. Including my husband, because he cheated too. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do.
@ConcernedWife2017
If you want to stay for kids or some stay because the thought of starting over sounds overwhelming..... then you will need coping mechanisms
You can not change his behavior you can only change your response.....
frankly tell him you are done doing it all ...........he will need to make his own appointments and do his own things like laundry perhaps cooking etc. .....you will cook / clean for you and kids
Find other interests and go out without him ....
i find giving them a taste of their own really makes them rethink things.
There is no reason to be treated badly by in-laws either .....do not have them over it is your place too and no one should be mistreated in their own home.............. if spouse wants to go see them say "have fun....."
if confronted tell them exactly why .....people waste so much time pretending or taking c@@p from people to smooth things over ......... all that gets you is a load of BS
like a sailboat turning into the wind thinks work much better.
If you decide to leave ...... start any new thing upfront ... noting things you will NOT tolerate. you do not need to compare to ex just know moving forward ...... you deserve to be treated well
@toughTiger6481
I know I can’t change his behavior, he has to do that on his own. And sometimes, he is fine.
I’ve done that before. I left his laundry for him. I cooked only for kids. He changed his tune. For a little while.
Honestly, I don’t have time to go out and do much of anything. I am extremely busy all the time. And when I do have time, I try to plan something and get people to go out with me, but everyone else is always busy as well.
Oh, trust me, I would never let my in laws disrespect me in my own home. It never happened in my home. It was always in theirs, or over the phone. When it happened over the phone, I always hung up. They don’t even come over our house anymore. My husband doesn’t bother to see them either because it seems like they have no interest in seeing him or our kids. They don’t even ask me why because it is all their doing. They are the ones choosing to not be in our lives. And it’s sad, but at this point to me, it’s just whatever because I do not care anymore. I’m done with trying with them. M.I.L apologized once to me, and it was not even close to the acceptable apology I should have gotten because she didn’t even really apologize for what she did.
I was not meaning that I would compare them to my ex, but my few relationships before my husband were bad as well. They cheated. One was abusive. It just seems like a lot of men and women these days can’t be faithful. That is what I am saying I don’t want. I will always have that in the back of my mind that there is a possibility of the next one doing that as well.
Thank you for taking time to write back to me & the advice. And thank you for telling me I deserve to be treated well. I know I do. I just wish he knew that.
You are worthy.
You aren’t defeated! You just identified in this post so many things worth changing. The poster before me has some great tips there - you can also leave him. It’s hard to tell sometimes, but a lot of good people are out there, new friends to be made. No matter what you choose to do with your situation, maintain your awareness of the things you should not tolerate, because you deserve to be treated well. Stay strong!
@rationalCoconut2576
Thank you. I appreciate that.
It all makes me feel defeated. I’ve done so much for him. And he has done a lot for me throughout the years. It’s just I get tired of getting yelled at for things. I’m a good person. I don’t cheat. I always put my kids first. I take care of their needs and his. I put myself first too sometimes.
I’ve just been in bad relationships, so finding a good one doesn’t seem possible. I have a lot of people I know who have the same problem. It seems like the good ones are few and far between. My husband is a good guy in many ways, but yelling at me and tearing me down about certain things isn’t nice. He needs to quit. That’s all I ask.
This sounds a bit different than your other post. My response there is less than ideal based upon what you said here.
It might be easier to consider leaving if you don't look at it as one giant thing, but instead see it as little steps. You don't know exactly where it will go but it will be better than what you have now. And you definitely deserve better than doing all the work and being yelled at. Being alone is often better than being with anyone.
Blaming it on his parents is letting him off the hook. He is not his parents and needs to know that he cannot behave like them and keep you as his spouse.
So start figuring out some logistics. What would it look like financially to move out for a bit? @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
It is a lot different than my last post. Things were going ok, then he just started on me all day yesterday pretty much. From morning until night. There were times it stopped, but not for long.
It’s hard to not see it as a giant thing. We have children. We are a two income household. I would go down to one. I’ve been with him for most of my life, if I leave I would be alone without a partner. I know my kids are there. I just hate being alone. I have a lot going on and I need someone by my side. I lost one of my parents just recently, and I’m still not feeling the same from that.
I didn’t mean that I was blaming it on his parents, I know he can be his own person and not have that attitude, but he acts like they do because he was around it for 18 years of his life. He was used to it. He got raised that way. He needs to learn to break out of it.
We are two income household, and I could leave. I have it to do, but right now I am out work for a little bit due to health issues. So it probably wouldn’t be the best idea.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss and your health issues. I bet that it all feels like it is compounding now, doesn't it?
Remind yourself that you aren't the only one in need here. Your husband needs you too. You are doing so much for him that he isn't going to want you to leave.
What would it look like if the next time that he was really nasty for a longer period that you left for just a few days with the kids to visit someone else? It might help him to realize the damage that he is doing. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
Thank you. It’s been hard. I’m already stressed out about my health issues, and he makes it worse by stressing me out by getting on me about things.
I am pretty sure his biggest issue with me is because I was told to take time off of work and he doesn’t like it because he has to work when I don’t. He hates that I get to “sit home” when he doesn’t (his words). He thinks I should still be at work. Apparently no matter if I get hurt or whatever other bad things may happen. As I said before, he has had to take time off work multiple times due to injuries. I didn’t say anything to him about it, because I understand. I am an understanding person. He on the other hand seems to not be one.
We both bust our butts, but I bust mine more in my opinion because of the simple fact that when I get home from work, I put in another 4 or 5 hours and he can sit down and relax. I can’t. I have to make dinner, do laundry, clean, run errands, do dishes, make sure things are done for the kids, etc.. While he gets to sit and watch tv, or lay down and take a nap, or play a game on his handheld.
I don’t know. I’m my opinion, he probably wouldn’t care. That’s the way I see it. In my head, if someone can treat me this bad, how could they possibly love me?! Maybe I am wrong, but that’s the way I feel. I’m feeling so done.
You really are doing much more than he is to begin with. To not give you time to rest is something a child does, not an adult.
He would definitely miss you if you left for a few days (or even a few hours). Then he would see all the things that he has to do for himself. Leaving him with the kids would make things even more obvious.
Would he necessarily admit that he missed you? Probably not, but I bet he would act a little kinder for a while.
I think what is holding you back is that you don't believe you deserve it. But you don't deserve to be "done" with everything. We ALL deserve to be happy. So start thinking about ways to get away for just a brief time. Even if he doesn't realize anything, a little break will make things easier to manage. @ConcernedWife2017
I feel it too. I’m always exhausted. I just don’t get why he doesn’t see it.
I would hope that he would miss me, but don’t think he would admit it. He did admit it before when I left and came back, but he started again after me leaving, so I left again for a few more days. He stopped his crap for a little while after that.
I deserve to be happy, I know I do. I also deserve him to be kind to me. I deserve to not be yelled at because the doctor wants me to take a little time off work. I deserve to be treated good.
You absolutely do deserve the time off. The doctor told you to rest. Can you think of another mini trip that you can take? It will help you to heal in more ways than one.
@bestVase7265
I will be taking a family vacation soon, so maybe that will help. It’s been a little bit since we have because my husband is always stuck working. I know he needs it it too. Maybe it will help him unwind a little.
Vacations can really, really help. Be sure to tell us how it goes. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
I am hoping so. Will do once it happens. Thank you
I will be thinking about you. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
Thank you so much. I am going through so much right now and each thing just seems to be harder than the last. This is not to do with the hubby this time. It’s a whole new situation 😞
Well tell me more. Getting out whatever is running through your head is better than keeping it in there. It helps you find a way to move forward.
@bestVase7265
Thank you for wanting to listen. I appreciate it very much.
So yesterday, we had an incident with my eldest child’s beau. It’s a brand new relationship and we are still trying to get to know how her beau is as a person. I’ve been having extremely bad vibes about him & had a huge gut feeling that he’s not the right one for my child. I’m pretty good at reading people and I know a lot of people don’t believe me when I say that. They usually tell me I’m full of it.
That morning, I had a terrible feeling that something was going to happen. And sure enough , it did. Her beau got into it with me and it caused a big mess. Plus I’ve found out he’s controlling my child’s thoughts and what to do. I am so beyond frustrated right now, but how do I tell my child that I fell this way? I just can’t. I don’t want to push my child away.
There is more to the story, but I’m dozing off over here. I’ll get back to you more tomorrow.
That is definitely a rough spot to be in. I think how you react to it changes over time. I agree that letting your daughter know your concerns could lead her at this point to distance herself.
I think what you start out with is the love that you already have. Make sure that she knows you won't judge her or put her down and that you will be there no matter what happens. Offer a regular stream of outings for just the two of you (even if she doesn't always take you up on them). Keeping the lines of communication open is a good starting point.
You have mentioned your husband regularly putting you down. Is this what your daughter's boyfriend is doing to her? If so, she might think based upon what she has seen that such behavior is acceptable. Letting her eventually know how much you have been hurt by your husband's words might be helpful. Then she could see it happening to her more clearly and might get away from it a bit faster. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
I am having a hard time liking him because of what he doing with my daughter. He is manipulating her decisions. I found that out by overhearing things. He does make fun of her for one thing that I know of, but she is seeing it as a joke. I think it is b.s. I am not completely sure if he puts her down in any other way.
I have always been close with my daughter, and she always talks to me about stuff. She knows she can always come to me when she needs to or if she needs me, I am there. I have always told her that. And I always showed her that I am there. She used to want to do everything with me because I always offer for her to. She always took me up on it. Now it’s almost never because of her bf. He has changed that too. He is not giving her breathing room. A LOT of things he does is not normal.
My daughter has not seen my husband putting me down throughout her childhood or anything like that. Neither of my kids have. She has seen him raise his voice at me as she became older as a teenager. She walked in while he was yelling. After that of course, I told her to never think that is acceptable and when she gets in a relationship, don’t let a boy do that to her. And I have. I already talked to her telling her that when her dad yells at me, it’s hurtful. I explained to her that a boy putting her down in not acceptable, a boy hitting her is not acceptable, and a boy manipulating or controlling her is not acceptable.
The part that gets me is a family member of his took my daughter aside and told her that he is bad news and that she really shouldn’t be dating him. The family has said he is not a good person. That is a big red 🚩 to me.
I myself have been in a few bad relationships. I had 2 really bad ones before my husband. One was abusive, and the other the guy was a huge player that cheated on me all the time. I left the abusive one right away. With the cheater, it took me a few because I didn’t find out right away about his cheating. So I have seen red flags and I know what to look at and what to watch for. Her bf is giving multiple red flags and it’s been a small period of time. One HUGE red flag was within the first week of them dating. Then another huge red flag was the family member taking her aside and saying he’s not a good person. I’ve kind of seen it already myself with him. Him talking down to me was one. Him manipulating my daughter is another. Him not giving her breathing room is another.
I am trying so hard to let her figure this out for herself, but at the same time it is killing me because I can see him getting much worse than he already is towards her. I am not willing to let me daughter get hurt. As I said, I can’t really say to her I don’t like him and I don’t think you guys should be together. It will push her away. I already have had a few talks with her to watch out for certain things with him just in case. I told her about my bad past relationships so that she would know. And as of right now, she’s not seeing his red flags and I wish she would before she gets into it farther with him.
You are doing all of the right things, but that is unbelievably hard sometimes.
The red flags you are seeing are legitimate and it also correct that you can do little about them except continuing to offer to be there for her and inviting her to things without him. The continued invites give her an out that she will probably eventually take you up on. If she has heard it from one of his family members, then she might listen more quickly.
When they start to age up, it really is hard. My oldest has been in a relationship for about 5 years now. She is nice enough, but she doesn't come to much in the way of family events (including his grandmother's funeral). And my middle one is now playing college rugby which I hate because he will probably eventually break something or get a concussion. So I worry from a distance, but try to let them make their own decisions. They still talk to me and see me, so I haven't damaged our relationship too much yet. But you never stop worrying. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
I honestly can’t stand it. I HATE sitting here watching her get manipulated. It really sucks having to sit back and see these things.
Her bf wants to come to every family thing we do. It’s like he can’t let her have time alone with just our family. It’s crazy. It’s way too much. And she honestly don’t believe his family member that told her that. She thinks they are lying. And I was told he doesn’t lie about anything. I’ve already caught him in multiple lies.
I’m sorry. Sitting back and worrying is the worst. I hope and pray your son does not get injured while playing rugby. I know I will always worry. She’s my world. Both my kids are. It will never stop. I’m just stressed over the whole situation.
I agree that it is stressful and hard. You are doing a great job of trying to handle everything so far. Sending strength and peace. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
Thank you. I’m trying to hang in here, and it’s getting harder by the day. I’m hoping something gives, and soon.
You mentioned going on vacation soon. Is that still going to happen? A change of scenery might help.
@bestVase7265
As of right now, yes. We are still planning on going on one. I am hoping that her getting away from him for a few might help, but I’m not going to count on it. I just wish she could see his red flags like I do.
Focus on the vacation. It will help with the anxiety for now. Maybe she will open up to you a bit when you are gone. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
I am trying so hard not to focus on this, but with everything that is going on with her bf and the stuff I am seeing, it’s just really hard not to. I am just seeing so many flags and things that are not right. I happen to be walking by and I overhear part of their conversation (small part of it). He was sitting there putting people down (our family). It’s just getting ridiculous at this point.
I do wish that there was something more that you could do. The most that you could do is to tell your daughter that it bothered you to overhear him putting down family members as you walked by. Explain how that moment made you feel. Keep it really specific to single moments in time and how they make you feel. As soon as you go big picture that is when you risk losing her.
She is probably going to see the light soon. Trust that you raised her well. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
Thank you. I do appreciate it very much. I have already talked to her the day after I heard him doing that and I expressed my feelings towards it. She understands how I feel about it. She agreed that he shouldn’t be doing that sort of thing. Now I just have to hope that she will see the light and see his true self and that he isn’t really a good choice for her.
I definitely trust that her dad and I raised her very well. We just believe as of right now that she is just being manipulated by him and her judgement is clouded by him. I just hope it becomes clear to her soon.
It is already becoming clearer. Think of it as a wall that you have to really slowly chip away at. It will eventually fall, but you have to watch for infrequent (if you do it really often she will reject it) opportunities to point out immediate issues that you see. The wall will fall if you focus on the mini cracks rather than the wall itself.
When she does start to pull away, be there for her and watch more closely. It sounds like he could be a really angry one who might lash out.
@bestVase7265
I am trying to do it little by little. I’m just not convinced that she is seeing the “light” just yet.
I will definitely be there for her if anything happens. I am always here for her, when she needs me and even if she don’t. I will definitely watch out for him because I have heard he gets angry sometimes. That’s another reason I don’t care for him much.
She probably doesn't see the light yet. She sees slivers of it that she finds concerning. Be patient. She will see more and more as the days go by.
Focus on that vacation and spending time with her then. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
I’m trying to be patient. It’s a little rough. I’m trying to focus on anything but this situation. I’m just so worried about her with being with him. I’ve just seen relationships like this, and it worries me.
Thank you. I’m trying
I know that you are trying. Keep up the good work. @ConcernedWife2017
How are things now? @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
Honestly? Things with husband are better right now. Hopefully that will last. With my daughter’s boyfriend, they have gotten worse. That kid is showing more of his true colors every single day. It’s getting so ridiculous. I’m so stressed. 😞
Focus on the fact that things with your husband are smoother. I really do believe that your daughter will see the light soon, especially if the boyfriend's behavior is getting worse.
@bestVase7265
Thank you. I am thankful that things with him are good right now. The thing with my daughter and her bf is really bothering me. I just think she is blinded by having a relationship. I am honestly scared she is not seeing his red flags and his bad attitude and the way he is acting.
Keep pointing out very specific moments to her every so often. Ask her if it is okay in general to say the things that he is saying or doing. What would she think of her father if he did the same stuff? What kinds of people does her boyfriend seem willing to hurt? Have her do the analysis. @ConcernedWife2017
@bestVase7265
Thank you. I am trying to do just that. I asked her that the other day if she thought it was ok that he disrespected me the way he did. She told me she didn’t see it, which is true, but I also told her I wouldn’t lie to her. I keep pointing out things he is doing that I see and I tell her hey, this is how one of my ex’s used to act and it didn’t end well. I try to keep using different examples to show her. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed. It is just not looking bright as of right now.