Happy? Birthday
I’m struggling to find the words for this, so I’m just going to write it as it is.
I’m sitting in my car. Alone. On my birthday. At 1am.
I’ve been clean for the better part of four years, but tonight, for the first time in a very long time, I just want a joint. I want that warm, numb, safe feeling it used to give me. The crying isn’t helping. Screaming into the car isn’t helping. I just want to feel okay for a little while.
My partner is struggling with his own mental health at the moment, and I’ve been trying to be the person who can put my own feelings aside and be there for him. But if I’m being completely honest, I’m not doing very well either.
His moods can be incredibly unpredictable. Sometimes it feels like he wants to talk to absolutely anyone except me, or be around anyone except me. When he’s struggling, his words can be brutal. I know he doesn’t necessarily mean them, and I know he is struggling, but knowing that doesn’t stop them from hurting.
Today was my birthday.
He wasn’t in a good mood, so I got a kiss, a “happy birthday”, and then he went straight back to his phone. He locked me out of the living room and started calling his friends. His intention was apparently to get himself into a better headspace so that when I came home from work tomorrow, he could actually be in a good mood for me.
I understand the intention. I really do.
But tonight I went into the bedroom, sat on the floor and read the birthday card my parents sent me.
And somehow, sitting there alone on my bedroom floor on my birthday made me feel more alone than I have felt in a very long time.
My phone is completely dry. No messages. No notifications. Nothing.
And somehow everything still feels unbearably loud.
I think I’ve become really good at letting everyone believe I have my *** together.
At work, with friends, with family, wherever I am, I can put the mask on. I can be the person who listens. The person who helps. The person who keeps going. The person who has an answer.
But lately it feels like I’m standing in a circus trying to keep a hundred plates spinning, and one by one they’re all crashing to the floor no matter how hard I try.
And I’m starting to crumble with them.
My relationship with food is getting bad again. I’m exhausted. I’m lonely. I’m carrying things I haven’t told anyone because I’m embarrassed. Because I feel like I should be able to handle it. Because I’m supposed to be the person who can handle things.
I’ve spent so much time worrying about everyone else and trying to take care of everyone else that somewhere along the way I completely lost sight of myself.
And I think the saddest part is that I let myself believe, just for once, that my birthday would be the day I got to feel special.
Instead, I’m sitting in my car at 1am, crying, wanting to escape my own head, and wondering when I stopped feeling like I mattered too.
I don’t really know what I’m asking for by posting this.
Maybe I just needed somewhere to say it out loud. So thanks for listening
@tiredbunny1
😔
I hear you.
You are not alone.
You are carrying an incredible load.
You matter too.
Your feelings are just as important.
Breathe.
Process.
Cry.
Release.
You are not alone in this moment 💙
Happy birthday 💛
Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️
@tiredbunny1
A pleasure 💜
Hi @tiredbunny1, thank you for sharing this. It can be difficult to put your feelings into words like this, especially if you feel like you should be able to handle them. No person is an island, however. People who are well put together or successful or stable can still struggle and still ask for support. Your family and friends are there to support you, and you deserve to feel supported.
I'm sorry you are made to feel lonely on your birthday (happy birthday, by the way!) you are someone entirely deserving of feeling special on this day.
It can be incredibly hurtful when someone you care about is going through a difficult situation. As you said: even if you know they don't mean what they say, their words can still hurt. Even when struggling, they are responsible for the way they make you feel. I truly hope these coming days are brighter for you.
Thank you again for sharing, congratulations on your sobriety and happy birthday once again. You are a beautiful and strong person.
thank you- it means a lot to have my words and feelings be so affirmed like this. I appreciate the time and thought you put into this message a lot ❤️
@tiredbunny1 happy birthday, we share a birthday , I hope it gets better for you
happy birthday to you, wishing you a day full of love and joy :)
@iamcuddles
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, especially on your birthday. It sounds like you’ve been carrying so much for everyone else that you haven’t had much space to look after yourself. Your feelings matter just as much as your partner’s, and you deserve care, support and kindness too.
Four years of staying clean is a huge achievement, and having cravings during a difficult time doesn’t take that away from you. Please don’t feel you have to deal with everything alone. If you can, reach out to someone you trust tonight, even if it’s just to say you’re struggling and need someone to listen. You deserve to feel supported, not just to be the person supporting everyone else.
And please be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to have everything together all the time, and you don’t need to wait until things get worse to ask for help. I hope you can find a little comfort and kindness for yourself tonight. Happy birthday. 💛
@tiredbunny1
@tiredbunny1
Happy Birthday, you have a big group here to celebrate with! Do something special to celebrate how special you are.
@tiredbunny1
You matter. You are valuable. You are valuable to have you around. You deserve to respect your own needs at least as much as you respect others. At least as much cause there is no one else responsible for your needs the way you are. Only you can know what you need like you do.
Note: You can stop here if you are not looking for advice
I will go even one step further than @funnyMaple6583. I think it’s not that you don’t have to deal with everything alone. I think we actually need to expect others to be there for us. They might need this too. To both not get lazy and to feel they make a difference.
Especially with your partner. Supporting each other gets real when it’s not only when it’s convenient, when it’s not only when we have a good enough mood.
I have a feeling that it would be beneficial for both of you if you stop excusing him. You stop shrinking your needs. He starts to feel he is needed. It’s might be not good for him to only focus on his needs. It might feed selfishness, lack of responsibility etc. because it takes away from him the practicing of empathy, responsibility and other good character traits. What if you consider expressing your needs for his and others good?
Also for his and others good. Cause yours matters in it too 😉