I am getting worse.

All of my friends are currently or have talked about me behind my back. I don't know how to cope with it. I love my friends and I consider them all good friends but ever since ive found out i don't know how to feel. What's sadder is that most of the people that were talking behind my back were the same people I spent nights with comforting and telling them that they deserve much better than the treatment they're getting and that I am always here for them. I probably wouldn't have even known until my "friend" told me, and not in a nice way either they're calling me a larper which is another word for a poser but they don't even know what im doing, watching or reading they have a problem with me either way if I watch or don't watch something. He called me an "annoying *** ***" and that he agrees with them. That was the same guy who I considered my male me no matter how much things got bad. Ever since ive found out I have been getting suicidal thoughts I know im never going to actually do it but it still lingers in my mind. The words they called me their so-called reposts about wanting to be a kind person. Every night ive cried myself to sleep wishing that this would all be over and that I wish I never met any of them. I know that that's not true. My summer got better because of them but noe my winter is getting worse and I am getting worse. I am only 14 I don't know how to cope with any of this or be able to say that I am getting better because I am not. I also don't want to speak slash open up about anything because I know they will call me an attention seeker, they have before. So I just sit in my room that's not even mine and cry quietly so none of my family members hear me because they will make fun of me for doing so. I just wish I could move on. That I can laugh it off as if it never bothered me but it does every single day.