I can't do this anymore (TG mention of cutting, addictions, abusive parents, and heavy venting)

I can't do anything but to just destroy myself.

Why.

Why is it that they are allowed to hurt, humiliate, degrade me, but when I hurt myself on my own terms, everyone shames me for it, and tell me to "Recover" from it?

Why?

I wake up every day, and I wish I was never alive.

I will never be loved, because I'm unlovable.

Call it a fake voice, call it whatever it is, but it has been proven many times.

I was a mistake.

Imagine...

2 parents who were in a toxic, incompatible, abusive relationship, having 2 children which they already failed and abused.

Decide to have one more after a damn 9 years.. when they are getting close to 50+..

No thinking of responsibility, no brain functioning, pure primal animalistic behavior.

And they're not even from this generation, they're *** millennials, but they still acted like these recent *** up incompatible disney *** kinds of relationships, where they find out too late about their toxicity, and end up in a horrible breakup, but even worse, they kept the relationship.

And in fact.

They weren't even thinking about it, I wasn't planned.

Surely, it was just one of their pathetic "making up for each other" moments, and how do they do it? they *** it out.

Literally.

Because animals like them do not know of human communication, they communicate the way animals *** do.

And they are too ignorant and cheap to even think about getting a condom, and way too selfish to think about the responsibility.

I was a mistake.

And I wish I didn't exist.

They made my life ***.

I don't throw the word "Narcissism" on anyone, but them? they are why that word has been created.

"We are doing this for you, we are keeping the marriage just for you and your siblings, we feed you, you wouldn't be here without us"

Just... wow... as if feeding me is such a huge blessing that I should be grateful for, as they destroy me everyday, and despise my existence.

My mother said it to me too, that she wishes that I've never been born.

She forgot that she said it to me, but I remember it well.

I can't stay safe for one day.. I can't just breathe... every day I get humiliated, shamed, hurt, from my entire family, and oohh... there's life too.. which haven't even started for me..

I feel guilty to wake up, and wish to fall asleep forever.

I can't do anything but cut and slice my arm with the knife, indulge in p0rn, rot in my bed and play video games.

And even these, they make me feel hurt too.

Everything in my life is filled with overwhelming pain.

I get insulted and threatened by my parents, come back to my room, my brother looks at me as if I'm below his status, insults me, makes fun of me, I get in bed, and I can't do *** about it.

I'm physically weak

Mentally ***, I have extreme thoughts and interests, reached bad levels of p0rn.

Seeing cutting as an art, my scars and the blood coming out of them as beauty, as a mere fraction of my pain expressed.

And I feel strongly that God hates me.

Despises my bloodline.

I know that he can bless.

I know that he's capable of making it at least a bit easier.

But no, he chooses not to.

So I don't pray anymore.

Doesn't matter.

Tests... have limits...

This...

My existence...

It's a punishment.

Waking up is a pure punishment.

And I still didn't even get to the hardest part yet...

I haven't tasted real poverty.

Nor have I gotten disabled, nor have I lost any organs.

Funny enough, I'm still 18, berely got out of my teen years.

And I've been like this since childhood.

I thought it was a phase... some teenage edginess that passes with age.

But no.

The worst part have barely started.

I lived in this foreign country for 9 years, a country that's filled with rich egoistic *** who have it easy, looked down at me.

And in a few months, I'll come back to my original country, for the first time ever in q whole 9 years.

And... it's 20 times worse..

Stories of assaults.. all kinds..

A place with a much higher crime rate than where I'm currently living.

They call it the "Land of sin".

Popular name to people who lived in it.

And the country is much worse in other aspects too, horrible whether, more corruption everywhere, I just heard a story from my cousin that he got stopped by thieves.

Basically America 2.0

A place where I don't belong, totally.

And I'm gonna be back to it, in such a terrible state, physically, mentally, without money.

Even God is not with me.

Unloved, despised, unwanted, miserable, worthless.

There is just no point to keep going anymore.

As much as I despise my religion, I still believe in one part, the "If you take out your life, you'll go to *** part".

All this, and my real adult life hasn't started yet.

All of this because I chose to take out all the hatred on my self, instead of hurting other people.

A long time ago, I used to talk to listeners here, spoke to some good souls, but I just realized that it's not what I needed.

I don't wanna waste another person's time when they could genuinely help someone else instead, and I don't even think therapy would help me.

I didn't want to accept it.

I thought it was stupid, that it's not a real need.

But it's true.

All of this would never happen if I was loved.

No mother's love, no fatherly love, no sibling love, not even someone that I, love.

Nothing.

Just.. void...

I've had 2 exes, but long story short, they've hurted me.

One disappeared, one hurted me, cheated, then disposed of me like I was just a toy.

I still haven't gotten over them.

And how can I? when my toxic environment doesn't give me a chance to breathe?

To recover from the endless pain that overlaps on each other?

And I don't even want to find a way to get money nor be rich nor any of that ***.

I hate it.

I hate all of it.

Politics.. human nature.. greed.. ignorance..

I wished my father just left to get the milk, perhaps it would have been better than the past 18 years I lived.

I don't deserve anything.

And I even feel guilty from writing this here.

I tried taking small steps, I can't.

Tried going all out on healing, I can't.

Even tried not using the phone for a few days.

And tried the "No using the phone in the first hour after waking up".

No consistency.

This toxic environment nets my existence.

I've always felt such freedom the moment everyone left the house.

I'm in a state which is worse than being alone and being lonely.

I'm in a prison.

This cursed family, the cursed bloodline.

No matter how much I hope, I'm the type that never gets a good ending.

I know for sure.

And this adult life that's ahead of me..

I have no chance against it.

Work? pfff.

I'd get burnt out on the first day.

Whether it's cleaning the bathrooms, or even analyzing the patient file as a doctor.

Nothing matters.

Education? future?

It doesn't matter.

If I will suffer.

Then it must be a special kind of suffering.

I don't wanna suffer like most people, I wanna feel unique in it too.

Cigarettes? ew.

Drugs? expensive.

Nothing tops the art I create on my arm, with my own blood.

I will never feel special due to success, so I want to be special in my fail.

Even if I convinced my brain with logic, the pain hits my heart, always.

I can't escape it.

I can't.

Feeling like this feels like losing the game on its tutorial mission, before the real game starts.

I cannot feel gratitude.

And despite believing that I don't deserve anything, I still feel jealous seeing those who are loved.

I'm not a hopeless romantic who just wishes to have a romantic partner, and in fact, I don't deserve one anyways.

I just wished to have a family.

Not... a rich family.

Not a family who goes out for shopping in California, not a family who travels to spain, not a family that is made of fit people, nor any of those happy families on tv shows.

I just wish that I had a family that stands together, and hugs each other when it's too much.

To rest in a mother's lap, whenever everything got too heavy.

To ask my father for advice, and guidance.

Not to be spoiled, not to get everything I want.

But just to be.... safe... at least partially.. at least temporarily..

A very long time ago, I've read the first few chapters of this site's book.

It explained how people in poor countries can be less infected by the disease called "Depression", due to only having each other, and how they aren't able to even afford the temporary methods that numbs the pain.

Unlike the people in rich countries, who distanced themselves from each other, bought expensive stuff to numb down the infection, but they made it worse, and became more depressed.

It was very interesting.

But yeah, I talked long enough.

I was about to cut my arm, but I chose to write this here, talking to Ai didn't feel enough either.

I don't know what to say anymore, so peace, and I thank whoever who wrote this deeply, even if you didn't reply.

Just know, that whatever you're going through, you are not alone.

I don't like hearing this word, but it's true.

7 cups is made for a reason more noble than most empty social medias.

And I hope it stays the same.