I don't know how much longer I can keep going
I don't know what am I here for. And I guess I will never know.
My mother tells me things that make it very clear to me that she doesn't want me. I know she sees me as something that weighs her down and holds her back. She's always there to makes me feel ashamed of my body and about who I am. And so is my father.
Most of my teachers tell us things that make me feel guilty and as if I'm doing something wrong all the time. They make me scared to live because they tell us about how difficult life and things in it are. I doubt how many of my teachers would feel anything if one day they found out that I don't exist of earth anymore.
I don't have any friends, everyone's just a classmate. So how would any of them care if I didn't exist anymore.
What difference would I make to anyone if I just stopped existing? It would only make a difference to be because I would get some relief.
I very much know that I am NOT alone in my struggles. But ultimately, I also know that I will have to deal with my struggles all by myself. Nobody, and I mean nobody, will come to help me with that. Not my parents, not my teachers, not any friends. I have to deal with my struggles all alone.
Every day I think about that question: what am I here for? What difference would it make I I didn't exist anymore? I am tired of living. I need some rest. My heart needs some rest from beating every day. My brain needs some rest from worrying but at the same time feeling hopeless every day.
What's wrong if I decide to give my heart, brain and body a well-deserved break? What am I living for? I really do want to give my them a break. They deserve it. What on earth is there so that I need to keep letting my heart an brain work so much?
You are right about needing rest and a reset. But you need a very different rest and reset than you imagine.
No one knows how long we will be here. You are right. But we also don't get to decide. Life changes direction when we are least expecting it.
I know that doesn't help you survive right now. So here are some things that do: 1) Going to a teacher and saying that you are really struggling right now. They can put you in touch with resources that can help. If you can't imagine that, consider going to your doctor. 2) Start finding mini ways to rest right now and take care of yourself. Are you eating and drinking water? Are you getting outside much? Keep it really simple and action based. 3) Come on here often. Having some cheerleaders in your corner can really help. @exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 Hey! Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to me.
I wonder what kind of rest and reset I need if I don't need the kind I'm imagining? I agree that we don't know how long we're here. But honestly, I wish we knew so can decide what we want to do with our life. Life changes direction when we are least expecting it? That's never happened to me, so I don't know about that.
Going to a teacher and telling them that I'm struggling can put me in touch with helpful resources? I'm afraid you're mistaken. Most of my teachers are bullies and if I would tell them, it would make me even more of a target. Of course, I have two teachers who could possibly understand, but how on earth could I talk to them privately?
Talking to a doctor? I'm a teen, and I can't go to a doctor unless my parents take me. My parents won't take me to a doctor unless I am realllly sick. Even if they take me to one, I can't talk to the doctor alone. Also, the doctor makes me feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome that I absolutely hate her. Do you think I could open up about my struggles to someone I hate? Also, what good is it if I need to tell the doctor in front of my parents? To make things worse, it is strictly prohibited for me to tell anyone about my family situation, and that sadly plays a huge role in why I'm feeling this way.
Oh, yes. I surely do all the physical things to take care of myself. I eat, I drink enough water. Not sure if I get outside much, because my life is pretty much home, school, home, school, and so on. I don't get to go anywhere else. But yeah, I do go to school.
Of course, I do come on Cups often. Maybe not as often as I'd like to, because I have other things to do, but I do come here. I'm not sure about what you mean by "Having some cheerleaders in your corner can really help." though.
I am talking about a rest and reset where you at least imagine existing. You don't need a goal bigger than that right now..
You mentioned having one or two teachers that might be kind. All you have to do is write them a note and explain the situation. In fact, you could just copy and print what you wrote above. Put your name on it, drop it on their desk as you are leaving and let them make the next move. I bet that they will.
The doctor doesn't sound like a good fit in your case so ignore that for now. But there are ways to get your parents out of the room when you see doctors as a teenager.
Experiment with getting outside a little. It might help.
What I was saying about cheerleading is simply that brain dumping how your day was on 7 Cups allows it to not continue to act like a wrecking ball in your head. And sometimes people can offer a worthwhile tip or two. You deserve some peace and you can't find that in a vacuum. People here have been in your shoes.@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265 Thanks for your response. I'm not sure how something where I imagine existing could be a rest and reset.
Copy and print what I just wrote here? I'm sorry, but we don't have a printer at home. Drop it on their desk? You mean to tell me to go to the staff room in from of twenty other teachers and give them this note? And you think the matter's going to remain private in the staff room once the teacher reads it?
Honestly, I do not think there are any ways to get my parents out of the room when they take me to a doctor. And I'm sorry, but I am not experimenting with getting outside. I am done with experiments.
Yeah, maybe dumping about my day on Cups can stop it from bugging me, but where do I dump it?
Hey, I think you should consider seeing a therapist about this. School is super hard and stressful but always remember that life will get better. Talking it out with a medical professional Can really help get things off your chest.
@Katsuddon Hi there! Thank you for your suggestion. I really appreciate your effort to help. However, I am sadly not able to see a therapist or any medical professional, for that matter. And it's not because I am unwilling to see one, it's because I'm a teen and I can't see a doctor unless my parents take me. And they take me to a terrible doctor, that too, only if I'm really sick.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
You are strong. That sounds so so shallow and easy to say but the fact that you're here, still fighting for yourself even with everything you've been through, you're sharing and reaching out, you're incredible.
You can get through this. There's a reason everyone says it gets better. There is a reason that everyone says it gets better. That's never from passive dealing though- it's up to you to keep fighting, keep adventuring and exploring this crazy life, however you want it to be. Take beautiful risks like these: hold doors open for people and give them a compliment as they pass, introduce yourself to people with a simple 'hi, what's your name?' And then follow with yours, take charge of taking care of a houseplant, do that thing youve always wanted to do with your hair or clothing, learn to bake something and share it with others-
Do not let anyone tell you that your life doesn't matter just because you don't think your life isn't taking up space in other people's lives (which it can and should). You are worth every moment and every effort and every beautiful thing this world has to offer, you just have to listen for it and find it and it will be so easy to ignore being "beneficial" to others when all you are trying to do is live. Life, having a heartbeat, thinking for yourself, it's such an adventure. I wouldn't want you to miss it for anything.
I'm proud of you :) you don't need my or anyone's approval though, just yours. You are incredible.
Go forth and live.
@linvi Hey! Thank you so much for saying that, it means a lot to me.
But can I? Can I really get through this? I don't think so. Every day is harder than the previous day. It tires me like anything. Does it really get better? Not everybody says it does. I have seen my mother's life become worse every day.
I'm sorry, but I am not really a social person. I would not want to give someone whom I don't know, a compliment, because I know that they'd make some wrong sense out of that. Also, why'd I ask someone's name if I already know it? Nobody needs to know my name, I much prefer being a quiet person few people know, an those who know me know me well.
There's a lot I'd like to do with my hair. I want long shiny hair. But do I get to have it? NO way! My parents won't allow me to have long hair until I am "old enough to take care of it", whatever they mean by it. Also, I can't go much more than shoulder length if they won't let me use conditioner. I am not even allowed to choose my own shampoo.
Clothes? Well, while I ultimately do get to choose what clothes I want, do you know how limited my options are? Hm… why would I take care of a houseplant by the way? Oh, and I'm sorry but we can't bake at home because our microwave doesn't allow for that and we don't have any appropriate utensils to bake in a pressure cooker.
I never think nor have I ever thought that my life isn't taking up space in other people's lives. I think it's taking up too much space in other people's lives. And I do not like that. I get that you don't want me to miss the adventure of my life, but I do. It is indeed a very boring, and tiring adventure. It gets unbearable so many times and good things almost never happen.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
Additude is key. And look at the opposite perspective: do you think of any well-meaning person as taking up too much space in your life?
And that's entirely your perception of yourself, meaning it's something you can control, and I believe in you :) and who cares what people think anyway
I can't think of a single reason why some random classmate's opinion matters, least of all when your happiness is concerned
And life gets better: when you want it to. desire followed with action. Getting better isn't just waiting for it to happen, you do have to take some steps that feel so incredibly hard but look at what humans are accomplishing and have accomplished throughout history when they realized they could :) it's up to you to decide what you can control and improve (there's always something you can control) but I believe in you fully :)
@linvi That's a really good question. Well, no, I don't think of any well-meaning person as taking up too much space in my life.
I'm being honest here, I might pretend that I don't care about what people think of me, by the truth is, I do care about it.
Okay, but what steps could I possibly take to make my life better? I don't think there's much for me to do, my life is literally not in my hands. My mother has to interfere in everything.
@exuberantBlackberry9105 it wasn't your mistake. I hope you are better now!
@BismaKanwal Hello there! I wonder what isn't my mistake? I'm sorry, but I am not really feeling any better now.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
I know I've already replied but I figured why not just reply a different way, keeps it interesting.
It sounds like you need someone to vent to, and here is the perfect place. Every day you could give a summary of your day, what went well and what didn't. But one thing you have to remember is to find something good. Even one thing. Don't forget that even if you don't feel okay you're still allowed to find something beautiful, like the weather, or anything that stands out even a little.
Would that help? Vent here? But don't focus entirely on negative. I propose a challenge I think you're up for: find one good thing in each day. Just one, you can do it :) give yourself this
@linvi Thanks for your support again, Linvi!
Well, I sure would love to vent, but I'm not sure if this is the right place. I find it hard to summarise things but rather like to give a lot of details. Unfortunately the details are sometimes a bit too much, and I'm not sure if it would be okay to share so much publicly on the forums. That's why I usually prefer venting more privately, like with a listener. But that sadly means I have nowhere to vent when my listener's on a break...
It's never your fault. My mom told me to get hit by a car on a highway and my dad was only to abort me. Mom still tells me every single day how I'm just blocking her future and path. It's hard sometimes and it becomes too much but that's their problem. No one here begged to be born. You just be yourself and ignore them.
As someone who doesn't know how to deal with this s, I can't advice you anything good but things get better when you try to dismiss them.
@MIKItheAizawa Hey there! I am really sorry to hear that your parents treat you that way. You don't deserve it and it's really unfortunate when parents do this. I'm going through the same thing and I feel your pain. ❤
Sadly, it's just too much for me to ignore. Subtract the 7 hours of school, and I am around my parents pretty much 24 hours a day. Maybe 17 hours a day on weekdays but surely 24 hours on weekends. When I have to listen to all that so often, it really gets into my head, and it's too much to ignore. I really wish I could, but I can't. And it gets particularly hard to ignore when they contradict themselves so often. For instance, my mother will sometimes tell me that I am a blessing she has received. But she says that less and less often these days and instead says that I am stopping her progress every step of the way. It's confusing, and it's hard to ignore.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
Based of the conversation I already found some blessings
1.) A friend like @Cottonn to talk to.
2.) A device to get on a website like this.
3.) A voice, to speak your troubles.
4.) A mother, even if she seems to believe your a burden, I don't think she does, or at least not completely. Do people keep burdens or want to get rid of them as fast as they can? If she believed that you were a burden completely, do you think she would be cooking for you? Do you belive she would allow you to live with her?
5.) A mother.
6.) A roof over your head.
@Sully012251 I meant the conversation with like @cottonn. And the rest on here. I added to the blessings:
7.) support
8.) Care from others(I know our opinions don't man much but we CARE about you on here.)
@Sully012251 Wow, that's so sweet of you buddy! Thank you so much. 😊
As for my mother and me being a burden, i asked her about it the other day and she told me that she's taking care of me and letting me stay because she's my mother and she has no other option. I honestly think she does have other options, but those are incredibly unethical. I think she does see me as a burdern but cooks for me and lets me stay with her because she's my mother and it's supposed to be her duty to do at least that much for her child. No, people generally don't keep burderns, but sometime they have to if they can't find a way to get rid of them, is what i think.
Thank for you much for this by the way. Take care. ♥
@exuberantBlackberry9105
who said that someone else's negative opinion of you is all there is to you?
you are so much more than anyone can see, and no one else can convince anyone of that for you, if you want frustrating people in your to believe in you you have to do it first
I'm glad you're here
@linvi I agree. I have been thinking of ways to respond for a while and I could not say anything netter to you.
@Sully012251 sorry that was for @exuberantBlackberry9105 as well.
@linvi I think you're right, there's more to me than other people's negative opinions about me. Most people probably don't see the full version of me. Hmm... I don't think I got what you meant by "if you want frustrating people in your to believe in you you have to do it first" What do I have to do first?
I'm glad you too are here buddy. I know that things are hard right now, but know that I'm happy to see you here. Please remember that you aren't alone and we want you here. 💙
@exuberantBlackberry9105
if you want frustrating people in your life to stop being frustrating, one of the best things you can do is to begin believing in yourself and realizing how amazing you are
Because people who want to take you down can't hurt you if they don't think they can
youre strong, incredibly strong and I'm so proud of you :)
@exuberantBlackberry9105
thank you btw
that means a lot, you have no idea
I'm here for you too
@linvi Hey hey! My apologies for the late reply.
You're absolutely right, but honesty, it's hard to believe in myself especially when things are hard, i don't think i'm amazing, really.
Aww... thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. *hugs if okay*
@exuberantBlackberry9105
I know you feel alone and I know You know that ur not
but you can always come here and find a super supportive group.
@CookiesCoyote007 You're right, i know I'm not alone but i still feel alone because sometimes it feels like i have to go through it alone.
Right, 7 Cups is always here to provide a supportive place for me. I'm incredibly grateful for that.
